The great occasion finally came; I proclaimed a ten-days public holiday. The weather was fine and the number of spectators was more like 500,000 than 200,000. They came from all over Italy, - and I must say that it was a wonderfully well-behaved and well dressed gathering. To prevent overcrowding, I divided up the lake shore into what I called colonies and put each colony under a magistrate; the magistrates had to make arrangements for communal cooking and sanitation' and so on. I built a large canvas field-hospital for the wounded survivors of the battle and for accidents on shore. Fifteen babies were born in that hospital and I made them all take the additional name of Fucinus or Fucina.
Everything was in position by ten o'clock on the morning of the fight. The fleets were manned and came rowing up in parallel lines towards the President, namely, myself, who was sitting on a high throne dressed in a suit of golden armour with a purple cloak over it. My throne was at a point where the shore curved out into-the lake' and gave the widest view. Agrippinilla sat beside me on an other throne, wearing a long mantle of cloth of gold. The two flagships came close up to us. The crew shouted: `Greetings, Caesar. We salute you in Death's shadow.'
I was supposed to nod gravely, but I was feeling in a gay humour that morning. I answered: `And the same to you, my friends.'
The rascals pretended to understand this as a general pardon. 'Long live Caesar,' they shouted joyfully. I did not at the moment realize what they meant. The combined fleets sailed past me cheering and then the Sicilians formed up on the west and the Rhodians on the east. The signal for battle was given by a mechanical silver Triton that suddenly appeared from the lake-bottom, when I pressed a lever and blew a golden trumpet. That caused huge excitement among the audience. The fleets met, and expectation ran high. And then - what do you think happened then? They simply sailed through each other, cheering me and congratulating each other! I was angry. I jumped down from my throne and rushed along the shore shouting and cursing. `What do you think that I got you all here for, you scoundrels, you scum, you rebels, you bastards? To kiss each other and shout loyal shouts? You could have done that just as well in the prison-yard. Why don't you fight? Afraid, eh? Do you want to be given to the wild beasts instead? Listen, if you don't fight now, by God, I'll make the Guards put up a show. I'll make them sink every one of your ships with their siege-engines and kill every man Jack who swims ashore.'
As I have told you, my legs have always been weak, and one is shorter than the other, and I am not accustomed to use them much, and I am old and' rather stout now, and besides all this I was wearing an extremely heavy corselet, and the ground was uneven, so you can imagine what sort of a figure I cut - stumbling top-heavily along, with frequent falls, shouting at the top of my, not very melodious voice, red and stuttering with anger! However, I succeeded in making them fight, and the spectators cheered me with, 'Well done, Caesar! Well run, Caesar!'
I recovered my good humour and joined in the laugh against myself. You should have seen the murderous look on Agrippinilla's face. `You boor,' she muttered as I climbed back on my throne. `You idiotic boor. Have you no dignity? How do you expect the people to respect you?'
I answered politely : `Why, of course, as your husband, my dear, and as Nero's father-in-law.'
The fleets met. I shall not describe the battle in. much detail, but both sides fought splendidly. The Sicilians rammed and sank nine of the big Rhodian vessels, losing three of their own, and then cornered the remainder close to where we were sitting and boarded them one by one. The Rhodians repelled them time and time again, and the decks were slippery with blood, but finally they were beaten and by three o'clock the Sicilian flag was run up on the last vessel. My field hospital was full. Nearly 5,000 wounded were carried ashore. I pardoned the remainder, except the survivors of three big Rhodian vessels who had not put up a proper fight before being rammed, and six of the Sicilian lighter craft who had consistently avoided combat. Three thousand men had been killed or drowned. When I was a lad I couldn't bear the sight of bloodshed. I don't mind it at all now: I get so interested in the fighting.
Before letting the water out of the lake I thought that I had better satisfy myself that the channel was deep, enough to carry it off. I sent out someone to take careful soundings in the middle of the lake. He reported that the channel would have to be dug at least a yard deeper if we were not to be left with a lake a quarter of its present size! So the whole spectacle had been wasted. Agrippinilla blamed Narcissus and accused him of fraud. Narcissus blamed the engineers who, he said, must have been bribed by the contractors to send in a false report as to the depth of the lake, and protested that Agrippinilla was being most unjust to him.
I laughed. It didn't matter. We had witnessed a most enjoyable show and the channel could be dug to the proper' depth within a few months. Nobody was to blame, I said probably there had been a natural subsidence of the lake-bottom. So we all went home again and in four months' time back we came. On this occasion I did not have enough criminals available for a big sea-battle, and did not wish to repeat the spectacle on a smaller scale, so I had another idea. I built a long, wide pontoon-bridge across the end of the lake and arranged for two forces of two battalions apiece, called Etruscans and Samnians, appropriately dressed and armed, to fight on it. They marched towards each other along the bridge, to the accompaniment of martial music, and engaged in the centre, where the bridge widened out to 100 yards or so, and there fought a vigorous battle. The Samnians twice took possession of this battle-field, but Etruscan counter-attacks forced them back and eventually the Samnians were on the run, losing heavily, some run through by bronze-headed Etruscan' lances or chopped down by two-headed Etruscan battle-axes, some thrown off the bridge into the water. My orders were that no combatant must be permitted to swim ashore. If he was thrown into the water he must either drown or climb back on the bridge. The Etruscans were victorious and erected a trophy. I gave all the victors their freedom, and a few of the Samnians, too, who had fought particularly well.