"helping"; if any of them did anything physical like that with me, then there wasn't any denying that our activity was "sexual". It may have been a relatively small point, but it was still a line that I was extremely reluctant to cross.
Looking over at her, I told Donna "That's something that I think is a lot more serious and important that anything else we've done, honey. I'm going to have to think about it first, okay?"
She didn't seem overly concerned by my response, and told me "I know, Uncle Ted. Karen and me, we've noticed that you do stuff with us, but we never do anything with you; so I figured that this was something where you wouldn't be able to give me an answer right away. But I really am sure I want to try it, and with you, 'cause I know it'd be okay."
With that, she simply turned her attention back to where the host was reaching into the revolving drum to pull out the name and phone number of some lucky viewer.
After the movie ended, all three of them went back to their rooms to take care of whatever homework and studying they had. I stayed in the living room, my thoughts on what to do about Donna's request.
I was still sitting there when Teresa got home without my noticing; it wasn't until she sat down in
"her" chair that I noticed her. When I turned to look at her, she'd apparently noticed that I'd been a little (!) preoccupied and simply asked "One of the girls?"
I nodded, and had barely gotten my mouth open to say something when she interrupted to tell me
"Ted, I don't need to know what it is. I don't care what it is that whichever one of them wants from you. I've already told you — I trust you not to let things go too far with any of them, and I know that you'd never do anything to hurt them. The way you looked when I got home, I have to figure that it's something serious; but I still believe that you'll do the right thing. All I'm really going to say to you is this — that whatever it is she wants, it's a pretty safe bet that it's something that she'll need or want sooner or later, anyway. If she gets whatever it is from you, then you've got some control over the how and when and why of it, and can make sure everything is okay. I don't doubt that you don't like it, whatever it is; but that's part of raising kids — setting aside your worries and fears and all that, so that you can take care of their needs."
Hearing that from her, my first thought was that I wasn't raising them… then had to admit to myself that I was. Not as much as the full-time job it was for Teresa, but that I was having an impact on them was undeniable. Shortly after that, I had to face the fact that I hadn't been particularly serious or responsible about it, either; I was fine with dealing with the fun and easy things that came up, but not so good at it the rest of the time — the infrequent need to discipline one of them I'd always pushed off onto Teresa, instead of taking care of it when and where it was appropriate. She'd even told me that she'd rather have me punish them, since she didn't believe in wait-til-your-father-gets-home. Remembering that got me started on recalling a lot of the other things she'd said to me — not just since I'd moved in, but before; and that started me really thinking about what Donna had asked of me.
My reverie was interrupted by Wendy coming in and kissing me on the cheek to get my attention, then telling me supper was ready. When I sat down at the table, all three of the girls looked at me oddly — and continued to watch me as we ate. I wasn't a big part of the conversations that went on, and Teresa just nodded when I said that I'd be downstairs, after we finished.
It was later than I would have liked when I finally got things settled in my mind, and figured out what I was going to do… not just about Donna, but Karen, and even Wendy — and Teresa.
It was a couple of days before I got the opportunity to be alone with Donna long enough to tell her "If you want to know about that stuff that you asked me to help you with, I can do that. But I think there are some things that we need to talk about, so that we ALL understand what's going on with all of us. I'm not going to embarrass anyone by doing anything like calling some kind of family meeting, or sitting all of you down and lecturing at you, or anything like that. You're the oldest, and you're the one that has been asking me to do new stuff with you more than the others, so you and I are going to talk — and when we're done, I know that I can trust you to let your sisters know what's going on, too, when they have a problem or question. Okay?"
Donna solemnly nodded her head, and I started out by saying "You said that you and Karen know that you haven't done anything with me, and there are a couple of reasons for that. One of them is the big one that was most of it, and the other is something else that I had to worry about, but not as much."
Donna asked me what they were, and I explained "The second thing, the little one, is that I could get into a lot of trouble if anyone ever found out that I've been touching you and your sisters, and doing the things we have with you and Karen; and I mean trouble like police and maybe going to jail or prison and things like that."
In response to the horrified expression on her face, I quickly told her "I know that you and your sisters would never say anything to anyone about it, and your mom has already told me that if it's one of you that comes to me, she doesn't mind. That's part of why I wasn't AS worried about the second thing — because I know that I can trust you as much as you trust me. But I think I had to tell you what might happen so that you would know how much trouble I could be in if anyone ever did find out what we've been doing. I'm not trying to scare you, or make you feel guilty, or anything like that; I just need to make sure that you understand that what happens with me and any one of you three is something that could mean that I'd never get to see any of you ever again if anyone found out. You're fifteen, now, and I know that you want to be grown up; well, this is something that being grown up means you have to know about. I think you know that I couldn't explain this to Karen and Wendy without scaring them, or making them feel bad; and I think you know that you could tell them so that they don't feel the same way you do right now."
It took only a moment for Donna to consider the matter before seriously telling me "Yeah, I could. And I know that's why you're telling me, instead of them — so that I can do it, and you won't scare them." She was silent for a few seconds, then said "Being grown up isn't as nice or easy as I thought it would be; you have to think and worry about more stuff, and do a lot more things that you don't want to, than I thought."
"That's the other reason that you weren't doing things with me.", I told her. "As long as it was you girls coming to me and asking me to do things with you, then I could tell myself that I was just 'helping' you; but if you had done anything with me, then I would have had to think that there was something like sex happening between us — even if it was only a little bit. Except that I finally had to admit to myself that even the other stuff we were doing was still 'sex', even if you weren't doing anything with me. Sweetheart, you and your sisters are more important to me than anything else in the world — I couldn't love any of you any more than if you were my own daughters; and that was something I had to think about, too. It wasn't easy, and I had to think about it really hard and for a long time before I had an answer to all the questions and things that were on my mind. I know you're fifteen, and you feel like you're all grown up and everything; but I was still worried that I might do something to you, or with you, that you weren't actually ready for. I was also worried that if you did anything with ME, that what happened might hurt you or scare you in a way that might even last your whole life. So I had to really think about all of you, and me, and what we were doing, and what might or could happen if we did even more things together — like what you asked me to help you with."