'Look, Mum, I just want to help you, that's all. I don't give a fuck who the father is…'
'Well you should and you should also have enough respect for me to ask me straight out and not fucking insinuate. That you could even contemplate that.'
Patrick watched his mother's anger and hurt and knew that he could not do anything to stem the flow of her unhappiness. So he said what was on his mind and hoped that she would understand his worry about her and his annoyance at her silence over her predicament. He was shouting at her and that was something he had not planned on doing. He just wanted answers and he was going to get them from her. No matter what it took.
'Well, who is the culprit then, Mum? You tell me because I can't fucking put the finger on anyone. I just want to know the score, that's all. You are me mother and I feel a certain responsibility towards you, to all of you. I feel the need to take care of you because whoever the fucking bloke is, he ain't beating a path to your front door, is he? No one has seen you out with a geezer and there ain't even any gossip in this dump. So unless you enlighten us, how the fuck are we supposed to know anything? Were you going to wait until it was born or what?'
Lil didn't answer him. She just stared at him with those big eyes of hers and the guilt he felt was once more in the forefront of Pat's mind.
'Look. I didn't mean any of that. You can do what the fuck you like, you're me mum. But you have to let me know what's going on. I want to help, that's all. I want to make it easier for you. If the bloke needs a fucking talking-to then that is what he will get, believe me, Mother.'
Lil's anger was gone and she could understand what was wrong with him. But how could she explain that she had been too embarrassed to tell them what had happened to her, that she was pregnant again at her age. Why was she always the one who was caught out? Even with them all grown up she was still stupid enough to get caught and, once more, it was by a man who had no interest in her really. Though in fairness to Jambo, he was willing to do as she asked. But that was only because of her sons; she assumed that was why, anyway. But they didn't need to know any of that, of course. Lance, whatever she thought of him, was always her biggest champion. Not that it made her feel anything towards him but she knew that anyone who said a word against her was dicing with death. Patrick, however, was more like her than he realised. He understood on some level that she was still a relatively young woman and she needed not just the sex, but the holding part. The aftermath, when she lay beside someone and pretended, just for a few minutes, that someone cared for her and was looking after her for once and not vice versa.
'I was sixteen when you were born, Patrick. Can you imagine that? I had five kids so fast I didn't even have time to realise how hard it was.'
She laughed gently. 'Then the other two, who I love more than anything. They were once more given to me, by a man who didn't really care about the consequences of his actions. He gave me two kids and it meant nothing to him. And now you have killed him.' She laughed huskily at the incongruousness of her conversation, of the whole situation.
'All my children are fatherless and both fathers were murdered. Can't you see the irony in that? One day the youngsters are going to want to know what happened and they still won't give a fucking toss. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you? All my life people have taken from me, taken whatever they wanted, you included. All you kids did and that's because that is what kids do. Kids just take.'
Lil lit a cigarette and tried to relax herself enough to give this son of hers at least a modicum of peace of mind. To make what had happened to them at least mean something to him and to her as well, if she was honest.
'Now this baby wasn't planned, Pat. Its father was someone I wanted, someone who wanted me. No love story or big drama to report, just two people finding a little bit of happiness together. And now I am pregnant again and, being a Catholic, having the child and doing the best I can, once more, is the only solution for me. Just like I did with all of you and, be fair, I never had it easy, did I? I'm not saying this so that you will pity me. I am just stating facts, that's all. But I did the best I could.'
Patrick shook his head, this time with exasperation. Lil could see the way he cared for her and she knew how lucky she was with them all, except Lance, but she didn't count him as hers. She saw him as her mother's.
'Oh, Mum. I have been so worried about you, that's all. I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy.'
'I don't want any trouble when the time comes. I will tell you everything, well almost everything, but don't hurt him or threaten him, none of you. I was just me when I was with him. Just Lil Diamond, not Patrick Brodie's wife or Lenny Brewster's bird or someone's mum. I was just me for once.'
She smiled gently then. Her relief that the secret was out made her look almost girlish once more, wiping the lines of fear and worry away with each word she spoke.
'One last thing, son.'
'What, Mum?'
Lil stared at him for long moments and he knew she was worried that he was going to lose any respect for her that he had. He waited for her to speak in case he said the wrong thing again. He knew that once he found out the culprit, he would sort the fucker out big time. In private and with a weapon, if needs be.
'What are you trying to tell me, Mum?'
'It's black, Patrick.'
Lance was collecting a debt that had been owed for many years. It was a big debt, fifteen grand. Patrick had bought it for two thousand but only because the person who had borrowed the money in the first place had exhausted every avenue trying to get it repaid. It was now a debt for seventeen thousand as it was not just the original debt that needed to be paid in full but also the money weighed out to purchase the debt in the first place. This was a good debt in more ways than one. It was a cheap debt to buy and so guaranteed a good return and it was also owed by a north London Face who needed to be brought down a peg or two.
Lance wanted to prove himself. He felt the need to show his brother that he could do things on his own and use his initiative and, more importantly, he didn't want Patrick having any dealings with Donny Barker unless he was present.
Lance knew his absence when Lenny was being outed was being whispered about; the gossip even said that he had been severely reprimanded. His absence had raised more than a few eyebrows, he knew. Kathleen and her problems were not really common knowledge; he knew that because he had made sure of it.
But there was still some talk about her though Lance always made sure the talkers realised their mistake. But Lance knew that he was not seen in the same light as his brother. He was determined to change that, he was determined to give his image a boost. He was going to make people respect him as they respected Patrick.