Epilogue
'You all right, Mum?'
Lil sighed heavily and her laughter had a painful edge. 'No, actually, I'm not, but you knew that, right?'
She was so jolly, so full of life, it was hard to believe she was dying. 'Oh, Mum, what will we all do without you?'
Lil yawned. It was a deliberate ploy to annoy her sons.
'You'll all survive, shit floats, remember, just look after your sisters for me, OK? Especially Kathleen. She will always need to be cared for, and no matter how much she annoys you, or gets on your nerves, you remember me now, as I am, on me death-bed, asking you for this one favour, right?'
Christy laughed, and Patrick saw how much he looked like their mother, whereas he, on the other hand, was like his father, the spit of him apparently, as everyone seemed intent on reminding him at every available opportunity.
'Guilt is a great tool when you need something done.'
Patrick grinned. 'Death-bed promises are like pie crusts, meant to be broken.'
Lil laughed feebly. 'I mean it, boys, this isn't a joke. Eileen's got Paulie, but Kathleen has no one, remember that. Remember what she's been through.'
'Mum, I'll take care of them all, don't worry.'
Lil knew he would, but it didn't help her. She wasn't really happy about knowing her life was almost over, even though she was ready to go. But she knew she had to convince them; even though she was desperate to let it all go, was ready for the big sleep, she was still not sure that they were.
'I am ready, you know, ready to go. The pain is taking over now, and I need to know you are settled, happy in your own ways.' They sighed together, and she could feel their pain as they were all feeling hers. She lay back on the pillows and watched them. She loved to see them together; they were close, all of them. Really close.
'Mum, we are as sweet as a nut, so stop worrying about us.' Her Christy, her boy. Shawn, Shamus and Eileen. They all loved each other, in their own ways.
'Patrick, are you there, mate?'
'Course I am, Mum. What do you want?'
She sighed heavily, then she took his hand in hers, and he felt the weakness and the fragility of her. She was so ill, and so tiny it made him want to cry. She was as small as a child, the weight had dropped from her, not that she had ever been that big in the first place.
'Patrick, tell me the truth, yeah?'
'Oh, Mum, course I'll tell you the truth. What do you want to know?'
'What happened to Lance in the end? Did me mother claim him?' She looked at Ivana who she knew would tell her the truth even if Pat wouldn't. And she nodded almost imperceptibly.
'She took him, Mum, as far as we all know.'
Eileen blew her lips out noisily in disgust. 'Fucking old cow! She's only been asking if she can see you.'
Everyone rolled their eyes in annoyance. Trust Eileen to open her big trap.
Lil smiled then, knowing what they were all thinking, and grateful to Eileen for being so honest. Lil looked like her old self, as she had looked years before, when they were small and she was still strong enough to care for them all.
'I'd like to see her one last time, on me own. I need to talk to her, make my peace before I go.' She looked around the room at her children. Her hearts.
Jambo was there too, and she pulled him towards her, grabbing his hand and letting him know how pleased she was that he was there for her. 'You made me so happy, you gave me my youngest child, and for that I will always be grateful. Me and you understood each other, didn't we?'
He nodded and she kissed his hand.
'Make them bring me mum, will you? I won't rest otherwise.'
No one said a word, and she knew they wouldn't, had no intention of discussing it, so she changed the subject. 'Have you heard any more about the court case, Pat?'
He shrugged. 'They can't prove I done it; the evidence mysteriously got burned in that fire they had a while ago. Apparently, me and three drug dealers are all in the clear, no evidence, no fucking court case.' Pat laughed heartily.
'Here, Mum, I also heard through the grapevine that the cocaine that was supposedly burnt in the aforementioned fire had actually been removed beforehand. The British judicial system, eh, Mum? Best in the world, or so they say.'
She laughed with him, knowing the score, as they all did. She knew that he was bluffing her; he was bailed out, whether or not he had a pass, a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, was another matter entirely.
But he would go away for Lance without a second's thought, and so he should. He was pretending that he was not worried, that Lance's murder had not been noticed. He had been on remand for a long time. It was only her imminent death that had got him out now. She knew that her illness had made the judge more lenient, that and his sister's murder. She supposed that, to outsiders, their lives must seem outrageous. The newspapers certainly seemed to think so. Rehashing her husband's death, and now making the most of poor Colleen's death, and of course Lance's. It was as if Patrick had already been found guilty of Lance's murder; the papers had already convicted him. Poor Pat, he had been on remand for so long, and now he was waiting for a court date, a court date that, thanks to the papers, would find him guilty.
His brother's death had been a cause for relief for everyone, if the truth was only known. Lance was the nightmare all mothers dreaded; he had been the terror that you couldn't see. In fact, Lance had been the evil you couldn't have foreseen. He was every mother's worst nightmare, and his granny's little soldier. To think her poor Kathy, her Kathleen, had been in fear of him all those years, when she had thought that his love of Kathy had been his saving grace, the one thing he had going for him, as far as she was concerned. His care of her had made them all believe that, somewhere inside him, a nice person was fighting to get out. Yet, her mother had made it easy for him, made it look normal.
Lily was still coming to terms with that, how someone who was so unstable was her own son; her own flesh and blood. That he could have been capable of something like that.
Pat's daughter came to sit beside her and Ivana stood behind her, with her hand on her shoulder. It was a lovely sight and Lil enjoyed seeing them. 'You're a good girl, Ivana. If he had half a brain…'
They were all laughing then. Lil never let a moment go by without mentioning the two of them getting married.
The boys were all near her, and she waved them away from the bed, knowing she had a good while until she was actually on her way out. They didn't need to see that, they were still young enough not to understand that this would be them one day. They still believed life was long, that they had ages to go before they would need to make any arrangements for their own burials or their deaths.
She was actually looking forward to her death. Was ready, more than ready. But this constant pretence that she was not bothered about it was tiring. It was for her kids' benefit of course, it was them who weren't ready. She knew that they would be all right though. They were close, they would look out for one another, and she had to be content with that.
'Bring me mum to see me. I want to see her tomorrow.'
'Are you sure?'
'Course I'm sure. I've got cancer, not fucking Alzheimer's. Do what I ask, will you?'
They all nodded in agreement and she wanted to cry for them. They left her a little while later, and she could finally let herself relax; the pain was so bad that she couldn't even breathe in peace. She took her morphine with a greediness that made her understand the junkies she had always hated, seen as weak. Their pain she knew was mental, hers was physical, and she just prayed for a good death, even though she was hanging on until she finally saw a priest. She knew that whatever had happened in the past, she would only pass properly with the Last Rites.