‘Ask him if he wants to go.’ The flash of annoyance came quickly again to Danielle’s face.
Tracy closed her eyes with a sigh. Then she leant down in front of Jackson’s face – eyes wide and smile in place.
‘Jackson? How would you like Tracy – Nanny – to push you on the swings?’
Jackson nodded.
‘Okay then, let’s go.’ Tracy took his hand and they started to walk along beside the lake. Danielle followed, pushing the empty buggy.
Jackson laughed as he skipped and hung on to Tracy’s arm.
‘You’re a heavy little thing.’ She laughed as she did her best to lift him from the floor by his arm.
There were a handful of kids in the playground. Jackson ran excitedly from one apparatus to the other, unable to make up his mind which to go on first. He was followed hotly by Tracy. Finally he settled on his first choice, the swing, and Tracy pushed him while Danielle sat on a bench nearby.
Tracy looked across at Danielle between making woo, woo noises for Jackson to accompany every push of the swing. Danielle was texting. She’d been texting for the last ten minutes.
‘Who’s that? A sweetheart?’ Tracy called over to her.
Danielle looked up from her phone, shook her head and smiled.
‘Just someone on my course.’
‘What course is that?’
‘I’m taking an Access to primary education course so that I can go into teaching. I’m learning about computers as well at the moment. I want to become a special needs teacher. I want to be there for Jackson. I want to give him everything he needs.’
Tracy turned back to push Jackson, who had grown quietly content as he swung back and forth in the air.
‘What about you, Tracy? Any ambitions? Any things you really want to achieve?’
‘Oh, you know… the usual – see the world, first class of course: I’m a bit old to go backpacking now.’
‘No you’re not. I read about it – it’s all the rage, Tracy. Women going off in their forties and fifties to find themselves. Going to Thailand on treks or taking a year to work their way around Asia.’
‘Well I’ll have to wait a few more years then,’ Tracy said.
Danielle laughed. ‘Yeah, I forget you’re just fifteen years older than me. We could be sisters.’
Tracy smiled as she continued pushing Jackson, pleased with the compliment. She had expected a snipe about her ageing looks but was pleasantly surprised when one didn’t materialize.
‘I’d love to go on a cruise,’ she said. ‘That’s more me really than backpacking.’
‘I would love to take Jackson on holiday, anywhere – I don’t mind,’ said Danielle, her face softening, and Tracy thought how pretty she looked today. If only she would make more of herself.
‘Plenty of time yet for that, isn’t there?’ Tracy smiled at her. Danielle nodded, her eyes still focused on some distant dream.
‘Yeah. I suppose he’s young. I’d like to take him places when he’s older. I haven’t done much travelling. The last time I went on holiday was with Mum and Dad; that was the time we began falling out. That’s when the rot set in. Gerald was jealous of the time Mum and I spent just talking; he always wanted to know what we were talking about – as if we were keeping secrets from him – just bollocks really – paranoid, controlling. That holiday marked the beginning of the end for us. What about you?’
‘Oh – I always seem to be busy working and we haven’t really had the money in the last few years. Before that we went to Spain usually, Majorca sometimes.
‘What about work-wise? What about your career?’
‘I pootle along. I’ve always been in the beauty industry one way or another. I used to have my own beauty salon; saw several clients a day – always had my regulars for a wax, for a facial. I like that, looking after people – but, well, it didn’t work out.’ Tracy finished off her sentence with a tight smile. Danielle didn’t ask why. Tracy went back to pushing Jackson. ‘Do you get help from Jackson’s father financially?’
‘Ha! I wouldn’t take it. We’re better off without him.’
‘Still… it’s a lot to manage on your own.’
Danielle didn’t reply to this. She came over and lifted Jackson down from the swing. ‘We have to go now. I’m going to be late for my class otherwise. Jackson’s booked in at the crèche there. He likes it. But I need to give him lunch first.’
‘Oh. Okay. Is it far to go?’
‘No, we’ll go home first. We live just over there.’ Danielle pointed to tower blocks on the edge of the park.
‘Oh… that’s handy. I live in Hornsey.’
‘Yes I know. I looked you up in the phone book. You can come and have a cup of tea with us, Tracy, if you want.’
‘Yes. I’d like that.’ Tracy smiled. ‘Maybe I could look after Jackson for you sometime if you’d like to go out?’ Danielle looked at Tracy. ‘I could do your make-up for you. Style you. I’d like that.’ Danielle didn’t answer. She rolled her eyes and looked away. ‘I don’t mean you’re not a pretty girl,’ Tracy said hurriedly. ‘It’s just something I could do; it’s what I do every day. I make people up. I expect you don’t get out much? I bet you don’t have much chance to find yourself a boyfriend.’
‘So the women you make up – they all look like Barbie dolls?’
‘No, no. Of course I wouldn’t make you look like that.’
‘Like you?’ Danielle smiled at Tracy but she meant to be hurtful.
‘No. As I said—’ Tracy’s tone turned frosty – ‘this look is not for everyone.’ Tracy stared at Danielle as she watched her strap Jackson back into his buggy. She didn’t know her daughter well enough yet to know what to make of her swings between liking and loathing Tracy. She seemed to be still so young, so unforgiving. They would have an uphill battle on their hands if Danielle was determined to harbour so many grudges.
‘Maybe not then. It was just a thought.’ Tracy said sighing.
Danielle glanced up at Tracy apologetically. ‘Sorry – I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired. I would appreciate it if you could babysit for me though, just once in a while. I wouldn’t take the piss.’
‘Of course.’ Tracy recovered her composure. She was used to people talking about her looks when she was behind the counter – especially the young girls that came in. One of them had said she looked like an ageing porn star. Tracy looked on it as her job to wear make-up. They could criticize it all they liked. ‘I’d love to babysit. You’ll have to show me what to do. I’ve never had children.’
‘No. You gave yours away.’ Tracy just looked at Danielle; she didn’t know what to say. Danielle turned away. ‘Come on, Jackson. Let’s show Nanny where we live.’
Tracy was too flustered to know what to reply.
‘What, now?’
She stayed where she was as Danielle started walking away.
‘Yes. You coming, Nanny?’ Danielle pushed Jackson towards the crossing at the traffic lights on Seven Sisters Road.
Tracy looked at her watch as she caught them up.
‘Just for ten minutes then. A quick cup of tea. That will be lovely.’
It was short walk to the block of flats with a parade of shabby shops with reinforced shutters on their windows that made them look shut when they weren’t. Tracy had never been inside a tower block before. She’s been to high-rise hotels in Spain. This was nothing like that.
The lift was out of order, so Tracy helped Danielle with the buggy up the flights of stairs. Jackson got out and walked, holding Tracy’s hand.
‘I must be so unfit.’ Despite the cold Tracy felt herself beginning to perspire beneath her coat. ‘I need to get to the gym. I can’t remember the last time I did any exercise. We used to go regularly, me and Steve. We couldn’t keep up with the membership in the end. Still, no excuse. Back to the gym for me. I’ll have to get fit if I’m going to chase after Jackson. Hey, scallywag?’ Tracy smoothed Jackson’s hair to one side.