‘Here we are.’ Danielle ruffled his hair back into peaks.
Leaving the stairwell at the third floor they walked along the landing until they came to a pink door. Number 372. It would be easy for Tracy to remember. She was good with numbers. She could always remember exactly how much stock was left of every product on the counter. She knew the serial numbers of each product. She knew the lipstick colours by their codes.
‘What’s happened here?’ she asked, looking at the dents in the metal plate that was put on to reinforce the door.
‘Someone tried to break in,’ Danielle said. Tracy opened her mouth to say something but then shut it and didn’t say anything. She waited while Danielle found her key and unlocked locks top and bottom, then pushed the door back until it jammed on the wood laminate flooring. Jackson ran in, excited. Scruffy followed.
Danielle folded and rested the buggy against the wall in the hallway and walked through to the kitchen on the right.
‘What a lovely place. You’ve done a good job with the decoration,’ said Tracy. Danielle’s place looked like it had come out of a back issue of the Ikea catalogue.
‘Thanks. Tea or coffee?’
‘Tea will be fine.’
Tracy took off her coat and put it over the buggy – she couldn’t see where else she should put it – then she stood in the kitchen doorway. Jackson’s drawings were everywhere. Danielle saw Tracy looking at them.
‘It’s hard to throw any of them away.’ She smiled, embarrassed but proud as well.
‘They’re lovely colours. Can you tell what they are?’
‘Of course!’
‘Can you really?’ Tracy peered at the pictures.
Danielle pointed to a long shape with four sticks coming from it. ‘Look, there’s Scruffy. That’s me, you can see by the hair,’ she added, pointing to a blob with brown on top. Tracy peered in to get a closer look at the picture.
‘Oh yes, I see it now.’
‘I know.’ Danielle laughed. ‘It’s an acquired skill. He’s very good for his age actually. He’s able to go to an ordinary school… for now anyway. Does anyone else in the family have Down’s syndrome?’
Tracy was taken aback. She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘What family have I got anyway?’
Tracy couldn’t hide it as a look of panic took hold. She hadn’t thought of that – the implications of meeting up with her daughter and the fact that it affected more than just her. What if Danielle made a nuisance of herself?
‘It’s all right – I don’t intend to contact people.’ Danielle turned away and finished making the tea. Tracy instantly regretted her reaction. It was as if Danielle had read her mind.
‘No. I mean I am sure that, given time, everyone will want to meet you.’ She could see by Danielle’s demeanour that she was brittle and trying not to show how much Tracy’s negative reactions mattered as she poured away a little of the hot tea from each cup and topped up with cold water. Tracy watched her, mesmerized. She wanted to say: ‘I always do that. I always top up the tea with cold.’
‘Um – you have an aunt. My sister Julie and her husband Nigel. They live in Manchester. They have three children all older than you. They have five kids between them. So Jackson has a few cousins.’ Tracy smiled broadly, trying to make things better.
‘My first cousins. They are his second cousins,’ Danielle corrected.
‘Yes.’ Tracy stood corrected.
‘Do they look like me?’
Tracy thought about it and shrugged ‘Maybe… I’m not sure. Oh, I forgot.’ She went out to her bag by her coat and came back into the kitchen with an envelope. ‘I brought you a photo of me to show you.’
She took out a small handful of different-sized photos and came to stand next to Danielle. With the photos was a small box.
‘Before I show you the photos I want to give you this.’ She opened the box to show Danielle. ‘This is for you. I got it when I was ten.’ She took out a silver charm bracelet from the box. ‘I added to it every year. I would like you to have it.’ She held it out for Danielle to take it. ‘Charm bracelets have come back in, haven’t they? Each one of those charms means something to me.’ Danielle held the tiny charms between finger and thumb as she examined each one. ‘That London bus I got when I passed my driving licence so I wouldn’t need to take a bus again – that’s when I was seventeen. The ballet shoe I got when I passed my exams at eleven. This Mickey Mouse my parents got me when I was twelve. Oh, my whole life is here.’ She smiled, delighted to see Danielle’s reaction. ‘You are here too. I bought this silver heart when I became pregnant with you.’ Danielle couldn’t look at Tracy. ‘I don’t have much else to pass on to you.’
‘Tracy. I’m so… well, I’m touched. Thank you. I’ll wear it now.’ Danielle put it round her wrist. Tracy did it up for her.
‘Don’t lose it, mind.’ Tracy smiled. She wanted to kiss Danielle’s cheek but she didn’t. Instead she passed her the first photo. ‘I’ve just got a few I thought you might like to see. I don’t want to bore you. This was the year I fell pregnant with you.’
Danielle held the photo closely. ‘Oh my God – you were a child.’
‘Yes – I suppose I was.’
‘You look so young.’ She looked at the photo of Tracy in her school uniform.
‘I was fifteen – I guess that’s young. I didn’t feel it at the time.’ Danielle didn’t look at Tracy and she took out the next photo. ‘Here’s a photo of me and my parents, your grandparents and there’s Julie.’
Danielle laughed. ‘You can see you’re the rebel. Look at Julie. Her socks are pulled up, her skirt is under her knee and look at you!’
Tracy laughed too. ‘I was always in trouble for hitching my skirt up, rolling it up at the waist. Those were the days.’
‘You’re not old, Tracy. You could still wear a miniskirt if you wanted.’
‘I suppose not but I could do with getting back into shape.’ She passed another photo over. It was of a school football team. ‘Which one do you think he is?’ Tracy beamed as she watched Danielle’s face light up.
‘What do you mean? Is my dad in this photo?’
Tracy nodded; she could hear the excitement in Danielle’s voice as she held it close.
‘Him.’
She pointed to a boy on the left of centre. Tracy nodded again. ‘That’s who you look like, isn’t it?’
She could see Danielle’s eyes welling up. Danielle turned away and wiped her eyes with her sleeve as she took a sip of her tea.
‘Where is he now?’
Tracy shook her head. ‘I haven’t seen him since I was about your age. He married someone and they moved away. You could probably find him as well if you wanted.’
Danielle thought about it.
‘Maybe. But I think you’re enough for now.’
She stared blankly at Tracy, who was frowning and obviously trying to understand what she meant by that; Danielle grinned. Tracy laughed then smiled.
‘It’s funny how you remind me of him. It’s the way you smile.’ She picked up the football team photo and her eyes focused in and melted as her mind spiralled back to that summer of love.
‘So I ruined your life.’ Danielle watched Tracy.
Tracy looked up from her memories and shook her head. ‘No. You could have been the making of me. Of him, maybe. I should have kept you. I should have followed my heart. I nursed you for a few days before I gave you up. I was so tired and there was so much pressure, but when you’d gone, my whole body yearned for you. I couldn’t hear a baby cry in the street without my milk rushing into my breasts. I couldn’t pass a little girl in the street without wondering if it was you. On your birthday, March the twenty-seventh, I always have a little cry. So many regrets, Danielle. Now, to find out that my sacrifice wasn’t worth it, that the couple who I gave you to didn’t deserve you – it breaks my heart.’ Tracy turned away as she felt herself crumble. ‘Oh God,’ she said, ‘how pathetic I am. Sorry I didn’t mean to get upset.’