I was thinking all this when Carl leaned over and kissed the side of my neck. It gave me a shock, and my arms flew out as if I was falling, or defending myself. I was embarrassed about that. He laughed softly and I felt his teeth against my skin. I hunched my shoulders and moved my head back and the triangle shapes of the whites of his eyes were grinning at me and then he did it again.
I wasn’t prepared for the feel of his tongue to come out and start poking at my teeth, up along my gum line and swirling around like I was a room he was trying to break into – my mouth the lock. While all this was going on, he’d started pressing his hands under my coat and against my jumper. He was tugging the material upwards and I felt how rough his hands were when the jumper gave way suddenly and he put his hands against my stomach and started to slide them upwards.
This is not something I like doing, I thought, and was pushed back into the seat. He was still kissing me. I could smell his saliva on the side of my neck and feel it drying on my face. I thought of the tiny bruises on Chloe’s neck and shot out my arm behind me for the car door handle.
When it clunked open the river-smelling wind forced it closed again right away but the noise was enough to get Carl to stop. He took his hands out of the front of my jumper and leaned back.
I was worried he might have been offended or embarrassed.
‘I’m – I should…’ I said, sounding even to myself like a tenyear-old.
‘Not into it then,’ he said, and laughed. His mouth was shiny. ‘You’re more interested in Chloe?’
I could feel how hot my face was and I was glad it was dark.
‘I’m going,’ I said, but didn’t sound as outraged as I felt. Carl didn’t try to stop me and he didn’t start the car engine and follow as I ran away under the bridge and through the park towards home.
Chapter 17
The next day, I turned up at Chloe’s house after school. Nathan let me in and I was glad it was him answering the door and not her mother. Amanda would have made me hot chocolate and asked me to tell her more about Carl. She’d have hung around with me and Chloe, reading our magazines and sniffing our perfume samples and trying to join in with what we were talking about. Nathan only nodded and pointed with his thumb to the conservatory.
‘Heartbreak Hotel’s that way,’ he said. ‘Tell her to turn it down, will you?’
I could hear the tinny noise of TOTP on the colour portable and I walked towards it. The mantelpiece in the front room was decked with get well soon cards from the other girls and before I had the chance to wonder who had brought them round, I heard Emma’s voice.
‘Shanks’ll get you out of PE for a bit when you come back, you lucky bitch,’ she said, and they were laughing as I went through.
‘Who let you in?’ Chloe said venomously.
She and Emma were sitting on the small wicker love-seat, with their feet in matching pink slipper socks up on the wicker coffee table. She’d opened up her Christmas selection boxes and the floor around them was scattered with screwed-up funsize Crunchie wrappers.
I smiled and sat down on the leather pouffe.
‘You’re in the way of the telly.’
‘Don’t be like that,’ I said meekly. ‘I just wanted to see if you were all right. They let you out of hospital?’
‘Obviously.’
Emma was keeping quiet. To show willing, I caught her eye and smiled at her, feeling vile and small and creeping. So the plan to get Chloe and Carl apart had backfired. Fine. But I needed friends now more than ever, and if that meant learning to like Emma, well then, so be it.
‘What are you watching?’
‘Oh for God’s sake,’ Chloe said lightly, and leaned back into the love-seat. ‘Pass me that jug, will you?’
I handed her the jug of juice from the coffee table and Emma held up her beaker while she poured herself a glass of it.
‘I can’t believe what you did to me. I can’t believe it. You shouldn’t even be here.’
Her teeth were brown with chocolate.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ I said. ‘I was upset. I was stressed.’ I glanced at Emma. Did she know about Wilson and what had happened on Boxing Day? Did she know the whole thing was my fault? It was so hard to know what to say, what not to say.
‘Shut up,’ Chloe said. ‘We’re in here trying to work out how I can get in touch with Carl when I can’t leave the house and they’ve put a block on the house phone and you’re fucking me off whining about how stressed you are. What have you got to be stressed about?’ I opened my mouth but she went on, ‘Nothing, that’s what. It’s my life that’s been ruined, not yours.’
‘The house phone is blocked off. You need a pin number to make outgoing calls. Her dad set it up,’ Emma explained. ‘And they’ve not told her what else – how long she’s grounded for. They’re waiting until she feels better and they’ve discussed it,’ she added darkly.
It was obvious she had been helping Chloe with her plan of action when it came to evading whatever punishment Chloe’s parents decided on. And that wasn’t fair. It had always been me who’d had to cover for her, stand guard and take messages to Carl when she couldn’t get out. It was me and not Emma who understood the intricacies of the way they were with each other – the games, the ignored phone calls, the crocodile tears and the romantic moments they shared in the back of his car. As someone outside the situation looking in, I probably understood more about what was going on between them than they did themselves. Emma didn’t know anything.
‘There’s always your mobile,’ I said.
Chloe screwed up her face and mimicked me. ‘There’s always your mobile! As if I didn’t think of that. No credit on it, and I can’t get credit if I can’t get out of the house, can’t get any money, can’t get hold of Carl to tell him to get some for me. Genius.’
‘I said I’d get some for you,’ Emma said, ‘or I’ll ring him from my house, tell him what’s happened.’ Chloe put her head on Emma’s shoulder and squeezed her arm.
‘I want to talk to him myself,’ she said and she didn’t sound angry anymore. It was the same tone of voice she used with Shanks when he was going to mark her up for being late or not turning up for registration at all. (It’s private women’s problems, sir – not my fault I was late.)
‘You shouldn’t be spending your money on me. You didn’t do anything wrong,’ Chloe said, and tucked a strand of Emma’s dark hair behind her ear affectionately. I gritted my teeth – the two of them pawing at each other like that. It was disgusting. Chloe looked at me, her plucked bald eyebrows raised, and finally I caught on.
‘I’ve got a bit of money on me,’ I said. The change from the tenner Donald had given me the night before. ‘It isn’t much, but it’d go towards. I can give you that, if you want?’
Chloe blinked slowly, her mouth screwed up. She was marking a tally in her head. How much would I need to do to make it up to her?
‘How much?’
I counted out the coins from my pocket onto the table in front of them. Six pounds.
‘Is that all?’ Chloe scowled at me. ‘You know they’re probably going to ground me for months?’
‘Listen,’ I said, ‘my Christmas money is at home. I can go and get it for you. Or give you my phone, if you want.’
‘Never mind,’ she said, and slid the money off the table into her cupped palm. She tucked it away into the pocket of her jeans. ‘Have you got any fags?’