Jerome darling, would you like to listen with your own two ears to what this tailor says to this man? Because this is what this tailor says to the man. He says to him, "You need it, you'll get it."
So do I make myself clear, Jerome? Why stand on ceremony? You will wiggle your eyelid a little teensy wiggle and in two seconds your father will take myself right out of the picture for you, no questions asked, all bets are off, good-bye and good luck and forget it!
MEANWHILE, who knows, maybe I am jumping to too many conclusions. Maybe 603 wasn't working right because of the High Holy Days, such a strain all of a sudden on the electricity. Let's face it, they probably got sons and daughters galore calling all day down here from all of the different area codes, and meanwhile your father is the only person who is calling in the opposite direction, so maybe I got some kind of funny hookup and it wasn't even 603 in the first place. But be this as it may, you still do not say go get lost to a person when he is asking you a perfectly civilized question. Listen, darling, please God they don't get fired up there in 603 and come down here to 305 looking. Because I am entirely at liberty to tell you that with a mouth on them like the one your father heard, they don't hire you so fast in this area code down here. Not even if you got in your pocket the personal recommendation of a genius!
Jerrychik sweetie, it's forgotten and forgiven, so let's forgive and forget. Meanwhile, it's the High Holidays again, so is this the right time for bitterness and recrimination? Sweetie boy, it's water under the bridge. So let's do ourselves a favor and change the conversation. It's a fresh start, boychik. So what if it is another whole year down the drain and everything is still under par at your end of the bargain? You think your father is keeping score with regard to the question of who sends who cards and letters, never mind who doesn't even place a simple phone call? So big deal if everybody else in 305 is getting. You think I don't know I don't have the right to expect a little decency and consideration from you when it could always happen you might get a rupture from lifting the wrong pencil? Listen, perish the thought that your father should even look twice at a mailman. Why kid ourselves? Who remembers what one of these individuals even looks like anymore, it has been so many years since a person had the pleasure.
Listen, darling, before you forget, with your own two hands you better check around for the nearest blunt instrument. Because I hear myself talk to you and what is it I hear but criticism after criticism? Promise me, Jerome, you won't go out and spend too much money on what's the top of the line in blunt. So long as it's under twenty dollars, go ahead and make the investment and then give it to me right between the eyes or over here on the back of the head over here, whichever you decide in your mind, darling, is from your standpoint more convenient. Because here I am, writing to bring you High Holiday greetings, and what am I bringing my cutie guy but recrimination after recrimination in spite of my honest wholesome intentions. And even if it is all for your own benefit, Jerome, I still say shame on me, shame on me! Look, when you get through with the blunt instrument, you should leave instructions for them to put your father in the gas chamber and keep him on bread and water. No leniency, Jerome — your father didn't earn in his lifetime not one iota of leniency or clemency or for good behavior time off! The gas chamber and then the rubber hose, Jerome, even measures in the big leagues like this is still too good for a human being of my caliber.
Sonny boy, can you find it in your heart of hearts to wipe the slate clean? Because so far as your father is concerned, from this very instant it is a whole new ball game. It's like we are starting out from the outset, okay? Whatever I your father said to you and didn't remember to bite my tongue first, promise me, darling, you erased it. I mean, it just occurred to me, who knows, you maybe sent a little something but you forgot it about the zip code. Please, a genius like my precious with so much on his brain, so who's got room in a thing like a brain like that for so many unimportant numbers? But ask yourself, you leave off the zip code, do the morons deliver? Believe me, an individual should sit there and count their lucky stars if they do not also come after you to your own personal address and then tear you limb from limb.
It's the truth, Jerrychik — nothing is these days what it used to be, not in any shape or manner or form. It's nothing like it was in the old days. Tell me, darling, you remember how it was in the old days back when you were at the top of the heap and your father was down here up there in the penthouse? So guess who is in the penthouse now. So can you guess? Because the Bellow people is the answer! And after them, it's the Krantzes which is second on the list to get in there. But in the good old days, it was all different. These days, maybe you got the right idea, a hermit. Believe me, don't think your father has not considered from this perspective. I look at it the way it is these days, Jerrychik, and I have to say to myself, "Sol, maybe we should all go live where the operator hears they are looking for you and she tells them, whoever they are, beat it, forget it, take a hike, you dumb cluck."
These days, sweetness, it is things of every description, and you know what? Can I tell you what? Because my hand to God, just a fraction of it is enough to make your father vomit. Go look if you don't believe me, darling. Like even in the kindergarten you hear the teacher say to the children it's milk time, take out your milk, drink please your milk. But, lo and behold, nowadays there is always the child which would not for love nor money touch the milk. So the child your father has in mind, his name is the Goldbaum boy and the teacher says to him, she says, "Goldbaum, drink your milk." But how does Goldbaum answer this woman? Because you would not believe this, Jerome, but the child says to the woman, "I wouldn't drink the goddamn milk."
This, Jerome, this is how in this day and age a child answers! So I do not have to tell you, the teacher goes right that instant to the telephone and she telephones the child's mother and she says to this woman to come over. So when Mrs. Goldbaum gets there, the teacher says to the woman, "Please, I want you to hear this," and then the teacher stands there and she says to the boy, "Goldbaum, drink your milk."
Jerome darling, as I live and breathe, this is how the child answers her back the second time. Are you paying attention, Jerome? Because the child, he says to the teacher, "Not only I wouldn't drink the goddamn milk for you, but you could also shove it up your tookis."
Did you hear this, Jerome? Sweetheart, can you in all your born days believe this, Jerome?
So you know what happens next? Darling, that teacher turns to that mother and she says to the woman, "Did you hear what your child just said?" Whereas, Jerome, I am ashamed to say it, it makes your father's blood run cold for him to say it, but that mother turns to that teacher and says to the woman, "Sure, I heard him — fuck him!"
Sonny boy, this is what today's world is. Did you hear me, pussycat? Because this — this! — is what your world of today is. And don't worry, boychik, believe me, even in 305 your father took the time and noticed. But speaking of the subject of mothers, Jerome, I just remembered something. Because maybe you called to say hello and your father was not here to answer. So even if you called at night, Jerome, it could have happened, darling, the reason I your father was not here for me to pick it up was because of a certain Mrs. Pinkowitz. And you know what? Can I tell you what? Because I am not for one instant ashamed to admit it!