Sonny boy, Jerome darling, do me a favor and listen to me — because I your father am here to tell you that in certain departments not even the patience of a saint would do the trick, let alone Job and the whole Jewish religion. So call the G-men, Jerome. And if the G-men would not give you total satisfaction, then maybe you could get somewhere with the House of Representatives and the Food and Drug people. Darling, go get whatever court of law you have to get, just so long as you know I your father couldn't help himself, I'm sorry to have to sit here and tell you, Jerrychik, but enough is more than enough!
So first you will take your time and decide in your mind which one you want to go call for them to come get me, the district attorney in 603 or the district attorney in 305. And in the meanwhile, your father gives you his promise, he would not budge from this very spot and put up a fight when they break down the door and come in here with their handcuffs and their bludgeons. Jerome, don't give it a second thought, I am giving you every assurance, darling, your father will go quietly, he wouldn't even begin to make a fuss and beg for mercy nohow! But, cutie guy, if you are asking me to keep my mouth shut when it comes to the question of the envelope, from the bottom of my heart of hearts, I am sorry, Jerome — but this I could not promise you, not even if the sentence was life with hard labor!
CUTIE FELLOW, pussycat, stop to ask yourself — your father gets to the end of this letter, what comes next? Because I hope I don't have to tell you the answer is the envelope. So just like it was first the tragedy of the cat and next the tragedy of the mother, here is another one where it is a question of fate and you couldn't in all your life avoid it. Sonny boy, darling Jerome, you leave off the zip code and they don't deliver, do they? So now ask yourself, Jerrychik, how much leeway do you think your father gets, could he leave off, do you think, two-thirds maybe of a human being's whole name?
No, he couldn't.
But also could your father write it any different from how your father has been writing it lo these many years and years?
Darling, this is a question which you do not need your father for him to answer for you in words of one syllable. Because in so many words of one syllable, pussycat, I hope and pray you heard the answer your father just gave you, because the answer is forget it, he couldn't!
Precious person, just so you know in advance that I your father tried to give this question every last ounce of consideration. But meanwhile, Jerome, the answer is please, as God is my witness, forget it with this J.D.! Because even if they made a law, not on a bet could your father ever do it! You hear me, darling? Not even if the Secret Service took the case and came in here with all of their badges and machine guns, the answer is still N-O!
Jerrychik, your father, it's no news to you, is an old man. But whatever the future should hold, he could not be more thrilled than for him to spend every last minute of it in chains and no visiting days than for him to go along with you on what you did up there in 603 to the wonderful name your mother and father gave you, please God the woman should rest in peace and never know from this scandal!
Listen, kiddo, you could go to Woolworth's and you could buy thumbtacks. Darling, you could even go buy carpet tacks instead if this happens to be your particular private preference. So go ahead and buy whichever variety that it pleases you to and come stick every single one of them in me in my elbows. Okay, so if the elbows do not interest you, sweetheart, I will give you a choice, you can come choose the kneecaps instead. So choose the kneecaps, Jerome, if this is what you have to choose! Believe me, if this is what you decide in your mind, then this is what you decide in your mind — then kneecaps. Because your father would not for two seconds stand in your way even if you begged him to deprive you! Tell me, boychik, are you getting the picture? Because the picture is that this is the picture, Jerome — in every last department I your father am only too happy and glad to go along with you, but this J.D. thing which you did to your name, this your father so long as he lives could never get used to! This thing here, cutie fella, is where your father has to draw the line!
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but J.D. I couldn't go along with, even if they came in here with their badges and handcuffs and shot me down like a dog. Because by me, darling, because by your father, darling, the name you were born with, the name God gave you, you could go ahead and ask anyone, they will tell you it is like a symphony by Shakespeare to the most discriminating of ears. I promise you, sonny boy, you could go to the ends of the earth and you could still not improve upon it even if you went and begged on bended knee!
Just to listen to it!
So are you listening?
Jerome David.
Jerome David.
Now tell me, I ask you, is this not the last word when it comes to the name of a human being?
But a thing like J.D., Jerome, since when is a thing like J.D. even a figment of a name?
Cutie guy, you want to kill your father with this thing of J.D., then go ahead and kill me with it. But meanwhile do not ask me to write it on the envelope. Because if this is what you are asking of me, darling, then let me be the first one to tell you, sweetheart, you are asking your father for what your father will not give!
STOP TO THINK, pussycat. Promise me you will not excite yourself and that you will stop to think for all of two seconds. So first of all, answer me the following question. There is or there isn't a thoroughfare in the Bronx called Jerome? As thoroughfares go, tell me, babydoll, it is not one which down through the ages is a thoroughfare which is famous throughout the world and respected? So is this a simple question or is this a simple question? And does a person have to be a genius for them to think of a simple answer? Sonny boy, please take my word for it, when the city fathers sat themselves down to pick a name, they did not sit there and say to themselves, "So let's pick a shtunky name for this famous and respected throughfare." Okay, so I admit it to you, so maybe it was the borough fathers which sat themselves down. It's still the same principle! Believe me, darling, right here in the Sunshine State, where I your father bring you High Holy Day greetings from, on Lincoln Avenue they got right here, I promise you, a Jerome Florists. On Lincoln Avenue, darling. So am I talking about a first-class thoroughfare? Come look for yourself, as big as life, a top throughfare and a corner location, Jerome Florists, as I live and breathe!
But listen, cutie creature, a father does not know a son? I need all of a sudden a mind reader for them to tell me what is in my sonny boy's thoughts? So drag me out into the streets because I as your father happen to know the thinking of my own child. Tell them to come put your father on bread and water on death row because he happens to be an expert on the question of his sonny boy's brain. Meanwhile, you still cannot change the rule which says it takes a father to know a son. Jerome, darling, they could come cut off both my arms. They could come chop me up in little pieces. But I as your father am here to tell you, cutie guy, a father knows a son!
Guess what, darling.
Are you listening to me, Jerome?
Because to the fathers of this world, a son is what is eating your heart out! But don't think I don't know I should learn to keep my mouth shut. Believe me, boychik, they should come cut your father's throat from ear to ear until the man learns to bite his tongue. So tell your father if he could not quote you the exact phraseology of his sonny boy's thinking word for bitter word. Boychik, tell the truth, would it be verbatim or would it be verbatim? Listen, cutie guy, don't tell me the answer because I know the answer. And you know why, Jerome? Because a father knows a son, Jerome! And you know what else, darling? Let your father tell you what else, darling. The more brilliant the brain of the child, the more you cannot please this child — this is what your father knows!