Okay, so tell me, so who is in the penthouse here when it used to be your father who was up there in it? And you know the answer why? Because they got a child which listens! And you know what, Jerome? The boy's name is not as a professional person no S. Bellow neither! Oh, but far be it for me your father to pass comment. After all, your father is only your father, Jerome. He is only the person which has to live here with these animals and has to answer to them. Your father is only the person which has to face these big shots day in and day out because in his particular area code you don't get away with saying to the whole wide world, "Do me a favor and go take a hike." Jerrychik, sweetie boy, is it asking too much of you for you to look into your heart of hearts and try to see what is going on down here from your father's side of the standpoint? I am asking for you to tell me, sweetie boy, does your father live in the Seavue Spa Oceanfront Garden Arms and Apartments or do I live in the woods in a cave? And as to this particular residential, Jerome, we are talking from one floor to the next what? Are we talking ordinary people which got kids in cloaks and suits, or are we talking big shots, animals, k-nockers, shtarkers — namely your individuals which got kids in books? The works, Jerome — the cream of the crop of the literature industry, you got their families right here in residence here right here in this very building, Jerome, and I want to remind you that it is I your father and not you the brilliant hermit genius which is the human being which has to live with them! So did you never stop to think, "For my father, considering that he is a person of his years and age, I, Jerome David, his son which he would lay down his life for, am going to ask myself what is it like to live in a setup where everybody has got somebody who happens to be active in, you know, in the literature industry"? Darling, your father will put two and two together for you and will answer you with one word for you. So do you want to hear what this one word is? Because it is C-O-M-P-A-R-I-S-O-N-S. Comparisons, Jerome! So you heard of comparisons, Jerome? Darling, you heard of when you live with animals which like k-nockers and like shtarkers got nothing better for them to do all day long but to D-R-A-W comparisons until your father could sit down and vomit from them? So you are not a genius in your own right and I got to draw for you a diagram when it comes to human beings drawing comparisons? You need me to draw for you Saul this and Saul that, Phillie this and Phillie that, not to mention Leon, Leon, Leon until your father's got it coming out of both ears and the man could not yet take it no more? Because you could live to be a thousand, Jerome, you still would not see no letup! And meanwhile does your father ever get to get even a word in? Does the man ever once — once! — ever hear Jerome this and Jerome that the way he used to hear it in the old days when guess who lived up there like a big shot himself in the penthouse? But God forbid the facts of life should be brought to your attention, darling. God forbid your father's darling boy should have to hear one peep regarding the tragic situation which his own flesh and blood happens to have to live here with. So stick a spear in me and break it off in my ribs because your father has the nerve to plead with you for your attention when it is the facts of life which is the topic that is on the table. Boychik, you know what it means where it says the facts of life? It means somebody has to live with them! So just for argument's sake, darling, between the two of us, when it comes to living with them guess which one of us between us got elected! Cutie boy, could you guess?
Listen, in 603, let's not kid ourselves, so it is probably no big deal for an individual to walk around with initials. Even with three initials, maybe up there in your area code they still would not look at you cock-eyed if this was your preference. But in 305, Jerome, your father hopes he does not have to tell you, they find out you got a child which refers to himself as J.D., you couldn't live long enough, you will never hear the end of it, these barbarians make your life a living hell! Meanwhile, who's complaining? On the other hand, believe me, your father would be the first to say I got plenty to be grateful for. Because when you hear what Gert Pinkowitz has got as a parent with her brilliant hermit genius, you will notice why your father is only too happy and glad to sit himself down and count every one of his blessings.
But so you'll promise me, boychik, you'll take time to reconsider? Because this is all your father asks of you, two whole seconds of heartfelt reconsideration. Darling, I am down to you on bended knee to you asking. God forbid in all my life I should ever have to come to you to ask you again. Please, darling, if you hear me even thinking of to ask, you'll run out and go get railroad spikes and with a couple of stevedores to help you, you will hammer them into your father's shins. But meanwhile, for all of two seconds, Jerome, I am begging you to sit down with yourself — and like a civilized person you will go into conference with your heart of hearts and you will speak to yourself as follows—"For my father's sake, who would let them come hammer even rusty railroad spikes into his shins for me, I, Jerome David, am going to think this question over from all sides and all directions and change my spiteful ways."
Sonny cutie, what your father is asking of you, you can ask anybody and they will tell you it is not too much for a father to ask. Look, boychik, you will let your better judgment be your guide — and then whatever you decide in your mind, just remember that your father knows what a wonderful sweet boy you are and that he has every confidence you will in due course come to your senses and act your age! And if your father ever once utters one more word in this particular department, may I inherit the whole Waldorf-Astoria Hotel and drop dead in all the rooms.
BY THE BY, sweetheart, you will never guess what the Roth woman said to me last week. Because when she said it to me, right away your father said to himself, "I can't wait to tell the sonny boy what this woman is saying to me, please God my sweetheart will go along with his father's thinking and will realize you never know where wisdom and intelligence and where, you know, where guidance is going to come from next." So here is the quote, Jerrychik. You'll listen closely and you'll tell me what is your personal opinion as a human being with regard to this quotation. Because the woman says to your father, she says, "Mr. Ess, tell me, did you never stop to realize that when he stood up and had to swear on a stack of Bibles, they said to him, ‘Do you, Dwight David Eisenhower,' and so on and so forth? Because pay attention, Mr. Ess, they didn't say to the man no D.D." Darling, you can't argue with what the woman said. Believe me, I myself as your father stood there and said to myself, "You know, Sol, this woman is speaking the unvarnished truth — it's right there in black and white in the history books." Believe me, Jerome, this is wisdom! What you just heard from her, what you just heard with your own two ears from Mrs. Roth right here in the building, I am telling you, it is intelligence and guidance and wisdom! So whatever the source, I as your father am telling you that you have got to hand it to this woman. Jerome, you hear brilliance like this, it is a gift, don't kid yourself. And you know what, Jerome? You don't go look a gift horse like this in the mouth! But if you couldn't bear to hear it, Jerome, if even history is not good enough for you, then tell them to come in here and take your father's shoes off and make the man jump up and down on broken glass. All right, I grant you, you didn't decide yet in your own mind that you want them to swear you in as the President of the United States. This your father grants you, this much your father acknowledges. But the principle is still the same, Jerome! Did you hear me? I got this virus in my voice, but I guarantee you, it is still the same principle!