You know what you are, Jerome?
Because the answer is you are your own worst enemy!
All right, no pictures is a fact of life your father is learning to live with. So forget pictures! You don't want to have a picture, then don't have a picture! So maybe a genius does not like a normal person have to have a picture. Only yesterday itself your father says to Murray Mailer, I says, "Murray, believe me, when you are a genius in your own right, then you will know you do not have to stand on ceremony with a picture." I says to the man, "Listen, Murray, I myself am not questioning if your Norman is or is not a genius. I am just saying if you are one, then you know what you know, and number one is you could live without a picture!"
Jerome, I wouldn't even begin to tell you what the man stood there and said to me. But at the Seavue, do they ever give you the least little consideration? Animals, animals — the whole high and mighty mob of them — these individuals are every last one of them uncivilized animals! So anyway, Jerome, are you listening, Jerome? Jerome, the man stands there and says to me, "Sol, this fella Einstein, like with the hair and the sweater and the pop-eyes? The man wasn't a genius? So tell me, Sol, so how come you know what I'm talking about, Einstein? You met him? You sat down to a meal with the man and broke bread with him? You saw a picture, Sol — wherever you looked, you saw a picture! But pardon me, my friend, I forgot — your child with the initials, this one is a bigger than Einstein genius!"
So please God Murray Mailer should live and be well, Jerome, but from him, I guarantee you, your father does not need a lesson in history. Meanwhile, I still say to you you cannot discount the man entirely. Believe me, darling, in this world, whatever the source, a person tells you something you never heard before, then you got to sit down and think it over and give this person credit. So it's the truth, darling, Einstein, it's the truth — and in my own mind you know what? I never stopped to think about it before! But listen, am I ashamed to admit it? So all right, so Einstein was a big genius — but even him, the biggest genius, the man had a picture here, a picture there, he didn't stand on ceremony! But believe me, sonny boy, I as your father am not holding Murray Mailer up to you. Not even would I even hold up an Einstein! But let's face the music, darling — does this individual know whereof he speaks?
Sweetheart, I want to talk to you as your own father, a human being who does not play favorites. Jerome, you know what? You got on you a face like an angel! Do you hear me, Jerome? An angel! But if a picture is for you such a trial and tribulation, then your father says forget it, darling, you don't have to knock yourself out for no Murray Mailer's benefit, plus no Einstein neither, not to mention for the millions and millions of fans who would get down on their hands and knees to you to thank you for one single solitary exception if you only had it in your heart of hearts to let them go get a Kodak and make an exception.
MY WORD TO GOD, JEROME, I am washing my hands of the whole subject. You don't want a picture? Then don't have a picture! On the one hand no picture, and on the other hand a name like J.D. when it is not a name which makes any sense to anybody down here, these are things which are killing your father, these are things which are killing the man, but he never said to you he could not learn to live with them. Whereas the question of no Merv Griffin, Jerome, this, for your information, this, now this, Jerrychik, this is a whole different question altogether!
Jerome darling, answer me this. Do I have to tell you what goes on down here when it is four o'clock of an afternoon at the Seavue Spa Oceanfront Garden Arms and Apartments? Answer me, Jerome, I did not tell you enough times already what goes on here at the aforementioned hour? Jerome, it is four o'clock here, and where is everybody here in the building suddenly running? From the card room and from the pool and from everywhere in sight, where are all these hot shots and these big shots and the shtarkers and the k-nockers suddenly in such a hurry to run to?
Because the answer, Jerome, is to the television, Jerome, to, excuse me, to Merv Griffin!
You don't believe me, you could look for yourself if you wouldn't take your father's own word for it, darling — four o'clock, where are they! Because they are running looking to see who is the lucky family which got a child on with Merv today and which are the morons which doesn't! But so stop to think, Jerome — did I your father ever once have the pleasure? But far be it from me to utter one word to you when it comes to your own father's peace of mind and happiness. Believe me, Jerome, first and foremost, your father is not an individual who asks for himself! But so think, Jerome, think—if not for myself, then for who, darling, for who is your father asking for? Darling, please, do me a favor — go into conference with your heart of hearts and ask yourself how you could ask your father such a question when you already know the answer! I promise you, boychik, when you know, you know, and you do not require a father to sit down with you and draw you a diagram. Like the woman who hears the telephone and she goes to pick it up. Did I tell you about this, Jerome? This woman, Jerome, the woman goes to pick it up and she says, "Hello?" Just like any normal civilized person, Jerome, the woman says into the telephone, "So hello?" So there is a man there on the other end, Jerome, and I want you to hear what this man says to this woman — because, as God is my judge, the man says to her, "I know what your name is and I know where you live and I know you can't wait for me to come over there and tear off every stitch you got on you and throw you down on the floor and do to you every filthy dirty thing I can think of."
You heard this man, Jerome?
You heard what this man said to this woman?
But now I want you to hear how this woman answers him. Because this is what the woman says to the man, darling — she says to him, "So you know all this from just hello?" Jerome, did you hear every word that woman said to that man? She said, "So you know all this from just hello?" So do me a favor, Jerome, and do not sit there and ask your father any questions when the answer to them is something you already in your own mind know!
SWEETHEART, I am going to give you some quotes that will interest you — word-for-word verbatim. Gus Krantz: "So, Mr. Ess, you tell me your little one is too sensitive for Merv Griffin, he couldn't go on there and make a little intelligent conversation? Tsk, tsk, Mr. Ess, we all understand, believe me. When a child is too sensitive, who is it it's always a tragedy for? Believe me, Mr. Ess, my heart goes out to you, because for the father it's really a tragedy. A mother, she could maybe live with it, but a father?" Burt Bellow: "With my own eyes I noticed, Mr. Ess, maybe J.D. stands for a girl and she wants to keep it a secret? Listen, you will tell your daughter to talk to Merv, the man will figure out an angle. Meanwhile, God love her, ask her if she heard about my Saul, a medal and thousands and thousands of dollars." Okay, cutie guy, don't excite yourself. So there are worse quotes than the ones I just told you. But does your father even listen to these animals? I promise you, whatever it is, it goes in one ear and out the other. Please, will you please? Tell me why I as your father should give the time of day to these people with their Merv Griffins and their Merv Griffins! But meanwhile it is the principle of the thing which to I as your father is interesting. And, Jerome, in case you didn't already figure it out for yourself, the principle of it is it is either Merv Griffin, pussycat, or you could go ahead and forget it!