You know something?
Can I tell you something?
It made no sense for me to pay her any mind.
Anyway, like I says to you, the woman needs a, you know, a type of lawyer on the house.
By no later than this Tuesday at the latest.
She says it's 531-0051, her number.
Or you can call me at 348-6443 if you spot anybody with light-looking hair like that.
She probably always has it, you know, always on her head on her all piled up.
So are you a lawyer?
So now you know what to do if you are a lawyer.
And the walk, the walk, it's like it's like a limp.
Anyway, that's that.
Like the fella says — easy come, easy go.
And did I even get up close enough to her for me to tell you which book?
But I bet it was about doing it.
How much you want to bet me it was probably all about all of these terrific new ways all of these young people nowadays have for them to really, you know, for them to really get you in the mood for getting down in the filth with them and doing it?
Never mind.
I got the Easter cards all mailed to all of the ingrates everywhere on time, didn't I?
From sea to shining sea?
Right now, I'm sorry — but I have to tell you I am right now probably feeling pretty emotionally depressed as far as the emotions of my feelings, okay?
That's right — crouch.
So sue me.
I'm sitting here waiting for you to sue me.
Oh, for crying out loud!
PEOPLE REALLY TAKE THE CAKE AS FAR AS HER
BEEN TO BED WITH HER. Been around town with her. Been into some pretty steamy talks with her. Been most of all, most of all, been doped up with her. Which is what I am telling you only insofar as telling you you think you know a person, you think you have been down there down into the darkest depths of this person, you think man oh man is there any knowing anybody any better than knowing them when they are stoned out of their mind with you and they are fucking out their gourd with you and they are letting you scoot around down there down inside them down there in the darkest depths of them? Which is what I am telling you only insofar as setting the stage for you for me to tell you people really take the cake as far as her. In fact, tell you what — I just decided this is exactly what I am going to call the title of this story — I am calling it "People Really Take the Cake As Far As Her." Like remember when in school they'd give you these paragraphs where you were supposed to read the paragraph and then they would give you after it a bunch of these various different titles for you to pick from for you to pick the title which you would decide goes best with the paragraph itself? Well, fine — this is the title I am picking for this one even though it is not any multiple choice I am getting or anything. I am picking "People Really Take the Cake As Far As Her" — because this is what it turned out tonight as far as her. Hey, it really bowled me over. I am not kidding, you could have come along and bowled me over with a feather when this happened, which was just tonight — I'm serious — which was just this very night tonight, you know? I mean she says to me what say we go get us some dogs and some frozen custard after. So I says to her swell, I says to her sounds swell as far as me, dogs with kraut on them and get some frozen custard after. Dipped she says. I says yeah, yeah, dipped — maybe even double-dip, what do you say? So she says yeah, great, great. So off we go, but wait, wait — because all of the way there we are going along along the street, it was like this one amazing crazy thing right after another — like it's a sideshow or something. Freaks. This whole life-sized selection of freaks. You know, your homeless and your hopeless and your average city savage — they are all of them out there, these people, in the doorways and up against the storefronts and falling over all across the curbs. It's like there is this exhibition they all got together to go put on of crimes against the human race. I remember — because I am the kind of an individual that is really pretty incredibly sensitive — I remember I am saying to her don't look, don't look, especially when, Jesus, there is this terrible-looking rabbi-looking guy leaning out this window with like no forehead in his head and just this rag in it with like this colored seepage in it. Because, you know, people are going to go eat, right? So, you know, so I am doing my human best with her for me to keep her from looking at anything which is going to turn out to be too stomach-turning for her — but where can't you not see it? Go tell me where is there not this whole horrible like showcase of all of these, you know, like these horrible-nesses not all showing you how much misery loves company? It's like it's just a night in August and it is all of it all crawling all out of the woodwork at you to let you get a good look at it and make you heartsick from seeing it and have to feel lousy. But wait, wait, this is nothing, this is nothing! — because we get to the place on the corner and we get us the dogs and we are lolling around there with them because they give them to you too blazy hot for you, and so I says to her, I says so okay, so what say we like take us a stroll around the corner on over to the Mister Softee truck and we'll take us a gander at the possibilities as far as flavors and we will get us a bead on what the possibilities are as far as flavors and meanwhile the dogs will cool down enough to eating temp and then when we get there we can start on the dogs and we can meanwhile be making up our decisions as far as which flavors of frozen custard we want — in other words, we take our time and take ourselves a good look at what the various different possibilities as far as flavors which Mister Softee is featuring are while we are meanwhile scarfing down the dogs — and so she says to me jake, she says sounds jake, she says to me I would say it sounds pretty jake to me, and so okay, so off we go, we're, you know, we are cutting around the corner and the dogs are meanwhile getting themselves all cooled off and so okay, so I am starting to get going on mine and like I can see out of the corner of my eye she is like, okay, doing ditto, she is starting to get going on hers, and so then before you know it the next thing you know there we are, we are standing there looking at the various different Mister Softee possibilities on the side of the Mister Softee truck, and so she says to me, she says I am sticking with vanilla and double-dipped, and so I says to her, I says it's dip, and so she says to me yeah yeah yeah yeah, aren't you the one, which is when I figure time to look at her for me to see how far she has made it so far as far as her dog so far so I can figure how much leeway we have got for ourselves before I have to, you know, before I have to go step up to the hole in the truck and explain to the Mister Softee man up inside of the truck please, two vanillas, please, make them both two double-dip ones, please, and I see shit, shit! — you know what the bitch is doing? You want for me to tell you what I see this bitch is standing there in the street with me doing? Because this bitch, she is eating the dog like people would eat a row of corn or something! You know what I am saying to you like a row of corn or something? I cannot the fuck believe it. I went and gave myself to this bitch. I did, I really did! I mean, I did it with her, I did it with her — I mixed my soul all in there in together with hers — whereas meanwhile no shit, no shit! — the creep, the weirdo, the bitch is standing there big as life on the street with me scarfing down her dog with me like a person sits down and eats a corn on the, you know, on the cob or something — whereas meanwhile the Mister Softee man, the man is meanwhile screaming at me from the hole at me you want something, you want something, or all you out there for is for getting good at being in my frame of reference?
My God, I'm sitting here shivering.
You hear me?