Just because I didn't think.
Just because I did not stop and say to myself look, dummie, are you stopping and first taking every little thing into an account of everything first?
Of course, there's always the solution of I could turn myself around. I'm not kidding. Why couldn't I solve the whole thing by just developing in myself the knack of turning myself the other way around? Or is it your opinion I should just kill myself and throw it all away and go out and get a whole new different one? But isn't that interesting, isn't it? Because if it could be different, if it could be different, then why couldn't I be different, especially because of the fact I am a human being and what the fuck is it but just a fucking thing that's now all turned around?
Is it even a teacup?
It's not even a teacup!
Oh God, I am so upset. I really cannot begin to tell you, I am really pretty goddamn fucking upset. And listen to me, just listen to me — breaking with fucking tradition, going ahead and fucking breaking with my own whole tradition and actually saying pissed off to people and worse.
You probably are thinking to yourself okay, he's just horsing around, all the guy is doing is just sitting there just horsing around with people, but I'm telling you, ending it all, just turning around and ending it all, maybe it's really for the first time the right idea.
Unless it's actually the left one.
LOUCHE WITH YOU
YOU GOT SOME TIME? Because there's some stuff I'm getting off my chest. That's how come I'm doing this. It's this stuff. Stuff starts getting accumulated and if you don't get it cleared out from time to time and get it off your chest, there could be trouble from the build-up in your mind, no telling what. It's like jism. You get too much of your jism backed up on you, your prostate goes haywire and so do your nuts, is what the latest medical theory just so happens to say. So it goes right down there on my calendar every fifteen weeks: beat off. In case I forget. Ah, forget it. I'm lying. I'm not being straight with you. I am being, you guessed it, louche with you. There isn't any stuff that's built up. It's just the opposite. Nothing is. Nothing's building up in me anymore. It's just all just this drift and loss thing, drift and loss. I lost this great scarf of mine yesterday. It was more of a muffler than a scarf, if you really want to know what it really was. Anyway, I lost it. Was drifting along looking for a new kitchen sink. The kitchen sink I've got is getting all dingy-looking on me to my way of thinking and so I go out looking for a new one and I didn't find anything because there wasn't anything in the size of my old one and they told me my old one is so old they don't even make anything in the same size of it anymore and so I either get a new kitchen counter to handle the new kitchen sink or I have to learn to adjust myself to the old dingy-looking kitchen sink, which is what I am prepared to do, which is what I could not in my mind be that minute more prepared to do, but does this mean I have to lose this great muffler of mine just to come to this new-found conclusion of mine? So I was saying — so nothing's building up — jism included. It's like everything's getting away from me all of a sudden. It's like even when I say all of a sudden I suddenly this instant think people aren't saying all of a sudden anymore, are they? You think this is age or is it me? Like there should be a comma in there is the way Miss McEvoy taught me how to do it but I am all of a sudden scared that if I go back and put the comma in, it will mean to people fuck, this guy is really a fucking aged-type guy. And now look, shouldn't there be another one before but? I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I keep on doing things the way I have always done things, it'll be, we'll say, let's call it that it'll be this X amount of drift and loss, but if I don't, if I go ahead and, you know, change my ways, then the amount of drift and loss will instead be this Y amount, and so okay, this is the problem, which amount is the worse amount? That's what I'm afraid of — X or Y. I mean, listen — I don't want to keep hanging on to what's outmoded any more than anybody else does, but what's going to happen to me if I let go of the outmoded stuff and — okay, this is perfect, this is perfect! — and "get a whole new kitchen sink," allegorically speaking? You know what worries me the most actually? Let me tell you what actually, now that I think about it, worries me the most. Okay, so I go ahead and I adjust my way of thinking and learn to live with the dingy-looking sink and then somebody comes in here of another generation and they look and they say to themselves Jesus Christ, this old guy's a pretty sad fucking case, now isn't he? I mean, didn't I do it in my time myself? Didn't I, when I went to where my mother and father were keeping themselves when they in their time got to be pretty sad fucking cases of agedness themselves, didn't I in my time look at their things and say to myself Jesus, how do these people, how do my own fucking mother and father, how can anybody ever let their X and their Y get into such a dingy-looking situation like this?
Like just, in their case, the toilet seat.
God, I am already getting sick from just seeing it with the eye in my mind. So, fine, so we won't speak of it. Better if we do not speak of it. I am not permitting us to proceed as promised and, you know, and speak of it. But you get what I am getting at, don't you? Whereas my own personal toilet seat, it's okay, I am keeping close tabs on it, I do not let it out of my sight for one instant, but the kitchen sink, but what about the kitchen sink? You think they can't come in and give your toilet seat a satisfactory rating but then right in the same breath one lousy look at your kitchen sink sends the dirty stinking rats mincing right back out the door again with their stinking vicious filthy tongues wagging? And could you run after them and call out to them wait a sec, hang on a sec, it's just this thing which just so happens to right now be going on with me as per my period of me adjusting?
It's no good.
People don't give you any credit for you adjusting.
This is the whole thing of it with people — they sneer at you behind your back even though all you are doing is you're just coming around to another period of you adjusting. I'm telling you, as far as people, all adjusting is maladjusting or else forget it.
But losing things like mufflers, this is where we have to draw the line. This muffler in particular. Because this was honestly some muffler I had. You couldn't go out and buy a muffler like this muffler no matter what generation the people are saying you're a member of. It was one of a kind, this muffler of mine. People used to stop me on the street and get up close to me and take a good sharp look at me and say to me, "Mister, this muffler you got, no kidding, it is definitely a honey."
But days like those days, hey, they're gone for good now, days like such as those days.
Never mind.
What's not gone for good except the nights?
And the awful algebra.
Nor need it be added — the nocturnal build-up of untold rue until — fuck! — I'm dead from it and didn't even go with my neck nice and warm at the time.
PHYSIS VERSUS NOMOS
SO I SAYS TO THE WINDOW-SHADE MAN, I says to him you see this window shade, this window shade's no good, this window shade is beat to shit, this window shade has been in my window since who knows when, I need a new window shade, how about a new window shade, you got another window shade for me just like this one, and so the window-shade man takes the window shade from me and the window-shade man, he says to me just like this one, just like this one, there can be no window shade just like this one, even this one cannot be just like this one when you said to me just like this one since this one is now not a window shade in your hands, this one is now a window shade in my hands, whereupon I says to the window-shade man yeah but barring all that, but barring all that, let's get down to cases, cases, says the window-shade man, you want cases, says the window-shade man, here's cases for you just to begin with, says the window-shade man, as in see this grommet you got here in this window shade, what we do here is we don't do a thing like this grommet you got here, you want a grommet, you don't come here, you want a grommet in it as far as a window shade, you go down the block you get a grommet in it as far as a window shade, down the block they do it for you with a grommet in it for you as far as a window shade for you, here we do it with you screw in this thing here like a button here and then the pull itself, you take the loop like this and it goes around and winds around it like it's like a button you're winding the loop of the pull around, but grommet forget about it, grommet you're spinning your wheels, you have to have a grommet in it, then we are not the window-shade people for you and your people, you have to have a grommet in it, the window-shade people for you, these are the window-shade people down the block or up the block depending on which direction, that's where they do a grommet, that's where you get a grommet, this place we don't do a grommet, this place you can't get a grommet, us what we do here is you get home and you screw in this screw-in thing which is like a button we give you at the bottom in the stick on this side, on that side, whichever side you want and then the pull, all you do is you take the loop and go wind it any way you want to wind, the wind is up to you the way you decide you want to wind it, but a grommet, not a grommet, you want a grommet, you go to the other people, they can do a grommet for you if a grommet is what you want, but so are we doing business with you or are we facing an impasse with you as far as the stipulation with the grommet with you, and so I says to the window-shade man, I says to him the only thing different if I go ahead and get the window shade with you people and not with the other people is with you people the grommet, it's just the grommet, or is what you're telling me is there are other things which you are going to tell me which are also in the nature of things which are going to be different as far as the window shade we're getting rid of, whereupon the man says to me, whereupon the window-shade man says to me brackets, let's talk brackets, let's review what at your residence the situation is as far as brackets, which way are you set up in your residence as far as your brackets, and so I says to the window-shade man brackets, you mean when you say brackets you mean these like bracket things which they go up there where you screw them into the wall with like these anchors or something, plugs, up into the insides up at the top of the window and you get up and you hang the window shade from them, like these two little things which one of them goes on one side and the other one goes on the other side, those things like brackets are what you mean when you say to me brackets, and so the window-shade man says to me sided, they're sided, they're like one side is for one side and the other side is for the other side on the other side, so the question which I am asking you is which way do you want for us to set you up with the window shade we're making for you as far as replacing the old window shade with regard to the question of conforming to the old brackets, or is it in your thinking at this stage of the game what you want for your agenda to look like is you take out the old ones which went with this window shade here and get us to give you new ones so you can start over fresh from the beginning with new ones, in which case don't forget we also have to charge you for new plugs as far as anchoring it, and so I says to the window-shade man, I say to him look, it should only all I know is roll up so it's rolling up on the outside and not up on the inside and so it's facing out on the side facing into the window, this cuff down here at the bottom where it turns around and makes the opening where the stick is, or goes through, okay?