‘Lulu,’ I shout. ‘Lulu.’
‘I take care of you,’ he says. ‘Sorry for touching.’
He takes me back to the car. Fat, black buffalo snort and shift in the mud. I don’t like these animals being everywhere, chickens and dogs and stuff, with sores and bleeding and threats and fear.
‘You know?’ I say. ‘I’m lonely. There’s no one I can talk to. No one to laugh with here, Lulu. And I think they hate me, my family. Does your family hate you?’
*
I stretch and bend and twist in the front garden in T-shirt and shorts. I pull sheets of air into my lungs. I open my eyes a moment and the world amazes me, its brightness. A servant is watching me, peeping round a tree.
‘Hey, peeper!’ I call, and carry on. When I look again, I notice the cook and the sweeper have joined him and they shake and trill.
‘What am I doing?’ I say. ‘Giving a concert?’
In the morning papers I notice that potential wives are advertised as being ‘virtuous and fair-skinned’. Why would I want to be unvirtuous and brown? But I do, I do!
I take a shower in my room and stroll across to the house. I stand outside your room, Dad, where the men always meet in the early evenings. I look through the wire mesh of the screen door and there you are, my father for all these years. And this is what you were doing while I sat in the back of the class at my school in Shepherd’s Bush, pregnant, wondering why you didn’t love me.
In the morning when I’m having my breakfast we meet in the living room by the bar and you ride on your exercise bicycle. You pant and look at me now and again, your stringy body sways and tightens, but you say fuck all. If I speak, you don’t hear. You’re one of those old-fashioned romantic men for whom women aren’t really there unless you decide we are.
Now you lie on your bed and pluck up food with one hand and read an American comic with the other. A servant, a young boy, presses one of those fat vibrating electric instruments you see advertised in the Observer Magazine on to your short legs. You look up and see me. The sight of me angers you. You wave furiously for me to come in. No. Not yet. I walk on.
*
In the women’s area of the house, where visitors rarely visit, Dad’s wife sits sewing.
‘Hello,’ I say. ‘I think I’ll have a piece of sugar cane.’
I want to ask the names of the other pieces of fruit on the table, but Wifey is crabby inside and out, doesn’t speak English and disapproves of me in all languages. She has two servants with her, squatting there watching Indian movies on the video. An old woman who was once, I can see, a screen goddess, now sweeps the floor on her knees with a handful of twigs. Accidentally, sitting there swinging my leg, I touch her back with my foot, leaving a dusty mark on her clothes.
‘Imagine,’ I say to Wifey.
I slip the sugar cane into my mouth. The squirting juice bounces off my taste buds. I gob out the sucked detritus and chuck it in front of the screen goddess’s twigs. You can really enjoy talking to someone who doesn’t understand you.
‘Imagine my dad leaving my ma for you! And you don’t ever leave that seat there. Except once a month you go to the bank to check up on your jewellery.’
Wifey keeps all her possessions on the floor around her. She is definitely mad. But I like the mad here: they just wander around the place with everyone else and no one bothers you and people give you food.
‘You look like a bag lady. D’you know what a bag lady is?’
Moonie comes into the room. She’s obviously heard every word I’ve said. She starts to yell at me. Wifey’s beaky nozzle turns to me with interest now. Something’s happening that’s even more interesting than TV. They want to crush me. I think they like me here for that reason. If you could see, Ma, what they’re doing to me just because you met a man at a dance in the Old Kent Road and his French letter burst as you lay in front of a gas fire with your legs up!
‘You took the car when we had to go out to work!’ yells Moonie. ‘You forced the driver to take you! We had to sack him!’
‘Why sack him?’
‘He’s naughty! Naughty! You said he drives you badly! Nearly killed! You’re always causing trouble, Nina, doing some stupid thing, some very stupid thing!’
Gloomie and Moonie are older than Nadia and me. Both have been married, kicked around by husbands arranged by Dad, and separated. That was their small chance in life. Now they’ve come back to Daddy. Now they’re secretaries. Now they’re blaming me for everything.
‘By the way. Here.’ I reach into my pocket. ‘Take this.’
Moonie’s eyes bulge at my open palm. Her eyes quieten her mouth. She starts fatly towards me. She sways. She comes on. Her hand snatches at the lipstick.
‘Now you’ll be able to come out with me. We’ll go to the Holiday Inn.’
‘Yes, but you’ve been naughty.’ She is distracted by the lipstick. ‘What colour is it?’
‘Can’t you leave her alone for God’s sake? Always picking on her!’ This is Nadia coming into the room after work. She throws herself into a chair. ‘I’m so tired.’ To the servant she says: ‘Bring me some tea.’ At me she smiles. ‘Hello, Nina. Good day? You were doing some exercises, I hear. They rang me at work to tell me.’
‘Yes, Nadia.’
‘Oh, sister, they have such priorities.’
For the others I am ‘cousin’. From the start there’s been embarrassment about how I am to be described. Usually, if it’s Moonie or Gloomie they say: ‘This is our distant cousin from England.’ It amuses me to see my father deal with this. He can’t bring himself to say either ‘cousin’ or ‘daughter’ so he just says Nina and leaves it. But of course everyone knows I am his illegitimate daughter. But Nadia is the real ‘daughter’ here. ‘Nadia is an impressive person,’ my father says, on my first day here, making it clear that I am diminished, the sort with dirt under her nails. Yes, she is clever, soon to be doctor, life-saver. Looking at her now she seems less small than she did in London. I’d say she has enough dignity for the entire government.
‘They tear-gassed the hospital.’
‘Who?’
‘The clever police. Some people were demonstrating outside. The police broke it up. When they chased the demonstrators inside they tear-gassed them! What a day! What a country! I must wash my face.’ She goes out.
‘See, see!’ Moonie trills. ‘She is better than you! Yes, yes, yes!’
‘I expect so. It’s not difficult.’
‘We know she is better than you for certain!’
*
I walk out of all this and into my father’s room. It’s like moving from one play to another. What is happening on this set? The room is perfumed with incense from a green coiled creation which burns outside the doors, causing mosquitoes to drop dead. Advanced telephones connect him to Paris, Dubai, London. On the video is an American movie. Five youths rape a woman. Father — what do I call him, Dad? — sits on the edge of the bed with his little legs sticking out. The servant teases father’s feet into his socks.
‘You’ll get sunstroke,’ he says, as if he’s known me all my life and has the right to be high-handed. ‘Cavorting naked in the garden.’
‘Naked is it now?’
‘We had to sack the driver, too. Sit down.’
I sit in the row of chairs beside him. It’s like visiting someone in hospital. He lies on his side in his favourite mocking-me-for-sport position.
‘Now —’
The lights go out. The TV goes off. I shut my eyes and laugh. Power cut. Father bounces up and down on the bed. ‘Fuck this motherfucking country!’ The servant rushes for candles and lights them. As it’s Friday I sit here and think of Ma and Howard meeting today for food, talk and sex. I think Howard’s not so bad after all, and even slightly good-looking. He’s never deliberately hurt Ma. He has other women — but that’s only vanity, a weakness, not a crime — and he sees her only on Friday, but he hasn’t undermined her. What more can you expect from men? Ma loves him a lot — from the first moment, she says; she couldn’t help herself. She’s still trusting and open, despite everything.