She closed her eyes. Oh God, she couldn’t do this after all. Before the sob choking her could escape, she turned, ready to flee. Catherine’s plea stopped her.
“Lily, please don’t go. I know this must be hard, but please talk to Charles. Hear what he has to say.
He’s looked for you for so long.”
Lily froze and carefully turned around until she faced Catherine again.
Catherine held out her hand. “Please, just come with me. Charles will be so glad to see you.” Feeling like she had been plunked down in some bizarre alternate reality, Lily took a step forward and then another until she stood in the doorway just behind Catherine.
“Charles,” Catherine called softly. “There’s someone here to see you.” As he looked up, the toddler still firm in his grasp, Catherine stepped aside so that he got a full view of Lily.
He paled and slowly let the child slide down his body until she found her own footing. He let her go, and she ran pell-mell across the room to where Catherine stood, shouting “Mama” the entire way.
“Lily?” he croaked. “My God, is it you?”
“Charles,” she said by way of acknowledgement.
“Dear God.”
Catherine tugged at the toddler and then looked to Charles. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” With that, she walked out of the family room, leaving Lily and Charles staring at each other across several feet of distance.
“I came because there’s something I need to say,” Lily said evenly. She was proud that she hadn’t broken down even if her heart was breaking on the inside. How long had he waited to remarry and have other children? Had she and Rose meant so little? Had he grieved at all?
It hurt her to look at those children, images of Charles, when her own baby had been taken from her.
A child she’d never get back. It wasn’t fair. He’d gone on as if nothing had happened. As if he’d lost nothing. He’d gained a new family. New kids. While she’d spent the last three years living in the agony of the fiercest pain a mother can ever know.
She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to call him a bastard. She wanted to slap him as hard as she could across the face. But she did none of those things.
“Okay,” he said. “I’m listening.”
“You were wrong. It wasn’t my fault what happened to Rose. You were wrong to say it. You were wrong to throw me out of our house when I was so destroyed by grief that I couldn’t even function. You turned your back on me at a time I needed you the most. You turned your back on your daughter when you refused any responsibility in her care.
“I was your wife. That should have meant something. I needed you desperately. Needed your help. I was so close to utterly breaking. I couldn’t hold it together for another minute. I went to sleep because I’d gone without for night after night.”
Her voice trembled, and it took every ounce of control she could muster not to allow the tears knotting her throat free.
“And she died.”
She sucked in breaths through her nose. Charles’ eyes glistened with tears, and his own face was ravaged with grief, and oddly, regret.
“But it wasn’t my fault,” she said fiercely. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault. A terrible, terrible thing happened to us, and you should have been there when I needed you the most. You should have held me when I cried, not screamed at me that I’d killed our child.
“You were wrong.”
She turned, having said what was in her heart. She had no desire to stay and look at him a moment longer. She wanted out of this house before she completely lost her composure.
“Lily, wait. Please don’t go.”
Tears were thick in his voice. She hesitated, drawn by the heaviness and despair that was so evident in his tone.
She turned, surprised to see that tears were flowing openly down his cheeks. He took a step forward and then another.
“Please, stay. For just a moment. I have something I want to say too.” She blinked in confusion. This she hadn’t expected, and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. He reached for her arm, his fingers curling gently as he guided her toward one of the couches.
“Sit here before you fall.”
Had she been unable to cover up the fact that she was utterly shattered?
He took a seat in the chair catty corner to the couch. He rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair, his eyes filled with raw, terrible pain.
“You have every right to hate me. Everything you said is true. Absolutely, one hundred percent true. I have no excuse. I didn’t support you like I should have. I worked too long. I made my job a priority. I left you at a time you needed me the most.
“When Rose died, I knew. I knew that I’d made terrible mistakes that I could never take back. I knew how tired you were. I could see your exhaustion. I knew you were running on empty. I knew all of this and I did nothing to help.
“I was so angry. Furious. I lashed out at you. I said terrible things, because God, the alternative was admitting the truth. That I killed our daughter. Not you. Me. And I couldn’t accept it. I denied it. I couldn’t bear to face you. I couldn’t look you in the eye, so I drove you away. I thought if I could just have you out of the picture that I could forget. That I could live in denial and pretend you and Rose never existed.” Lily stared at his grief-ravaged face in shock. She’d never imagined. Never once.
“I wronged you, Lily,” he said raggedly. “After you walked out of the house after signing those papers, I kept expecting you to come back. Maybe a part of me wanted you to come back. But then months passed and I knew you were gone, that I’d driven you away.
“And then I began to worry. Guilt was eating me alive. Not only that I’d placed the blame for our daughter’s death on your shoulders when it was my blame to bear, but also guilt over the fact that I’d sent you away with nothing. You didn’t contest the divorce. You didn’t show up at the court date. You never asked for anything. Not a dime.”
“I wanted nothing,” she said quietly.
“Where did you go?” he asked. “I looked. I wanted to at least provide for you. I thought you deserved a settlement, at least. You gave up everything for me and Rose. Your art. I thought you could at least finish school if you wanted. But you’d disappeared.”
“I didn’t have a place to go, Charles,” she said honestly. Not to hurt him, but she wouldn’t lie either.
“Then where were you?”
She lifted her shoulder in a shrug. “Where is any homeless person? Sometimes they’re on one street.
Others they’re in an alley.”
“Oh dear God.” Charles buried his face in his hands and his shoulders shook as quiet sobs spilled out, muffled by his palms.
“I was fine,” she said in low tones. “I survived. I didn’t come here to give you a guilt trip, Charles. I came because I needed to tell you that you were wrong so that I could move on and forgive myself. For three years I’ve lived with the knowledge that I killed my child and that my husband thought the worst of me. It was only recently that I was shown just how wrong I was. And how wrong you were.”
“Yes, I was wrong,” he said. “Not a day has gone by that I don’t think about you. The look on your face the day I told you to get out. I’ll go to my grave with that sin on my conscience, Lily.” They sat in bewildered silence, before Lily once again started to edge to her feet.
Charles held out his hand. “No, not yet, Lily. Tell me, please. Are you still living on the streets? You have to let me help you. It’s what I owe you. You should have gotten half of everything in the divorce settlement.”
Some of her anger eased, replaced by deep sadness. They’d both spent the last three years torturing themselves. Fraught with guilt and anger. And grief.
“I don’t anymore,” she said quietly. “I don’t live here in Denver. I merely came because in order for me to move on and to have a life, I had to confront my past. If it helps you, I forgive you. But I’ve learned in recent weeks that seeking forgiveness from others is meaningless unless you can forgive yourself.” He stared bleakly at her, his eyes filled with so much regret that it hurt her to look at him. “I want you to be happy, Lily. You deserve better than I ever gave you. I like to think I’m a better man now. I don’t work as much. I’m here for Catherine and the kids. But I’ll never be able to change the past, and I can’t bring our daughter back.”