This carried on for years, until I once saw a rental movie with the title of Bliss. It was a fictional account of a man and a woman who separately visited the same sex therapist. The story is told from the perspective of the young man, who is then introduced by the therapist to some of the principles of tantric sex. One of the exercises given to him was to masturbate for as long as he could without ejaculating. He was taught that the purpose of the exercise was simply to enjoy the activity of masturbation, rather than reaching orgasm as fast as possible.
I then decided that I was going to follow the advice of that therapist, and started experimenting with tantric masturbation. Later on – at a different stage of development – I also bought a course from the internet and followed its detailed instructions on a similar style of sex.
Let me say first of all that the initial two periods in my life that I engaged in masturbation which to the best of my ability followed the precepts of the tantric teachings that I had encountered in the movie and read in my internet course, produced some of the most exciting sexual experiences of my life. The theory of tantric sex is that by practicing it, a man’s sexual energy is not released through ejaculation, but is preserved in the body. This leads to a heightened sense of energy and excitement, which continues well into the rest of the day. Because one does not ejaculate, you are ready for sex during any time of the day or night. And of course, if you master the techniques that enable you not to ejaculate, the level of pleasure builds up over time, leading to increased levels of ecstasy all the time.
The problem is that because I did not orgasm, I had huge buildup of sexual energy, but no release. I soon found that, after about two or three days of masturbating this way, I became irritable. I battled to sleep, as my body was always in a heightened state of sexual arousal. That it turn led to increased blood pressure and headaches.
I sensed that the fact that I responded in this way, meant that I was probably doing something wrong. The theory is that one eventually enjoys orgasms without ejaculation. Now whereas occasionally I did enjoy rather enjoyable contractions of my penis and pelvic area, accompanied by copious releases of lubricant (“pre-cum”), I would hesitate to say that I achieved the type of orgasm described in the literature, namely where a man has orgasmic sensations that engulf his whole body, even though he does not ejaculate. I invariably stopped before I had an orgasm, mostly because I feared I would ejaculate.
I eventually concluded that I was not going to master the type of orgasm described in the literature, and would not achieve the kind of equilibrium of mind and body that I craved, through such a process. After a few days I would either ejaculate inadvertently, or I would do so deliberately, purely in order to release the building tension.
I must say that this was not all in vain. Once I realized that I felt much better if I ejaculated, I decided to incorporate some of the ideas of tantric sex into my daily masturbation – but with ejaculation. What I did, instead of increasing the pace of movement of my hand as I progressed through heightened levels of sensation towards orgasm, was to maintain the same slow, and rhythmic pace – or sometimes even to slow down while approaching orgasm.
Now this is easier said than done, because most of us instinctively increase the pace of masturbation when we approach orgasm.
I somehow realized that the opposite was true – namely that pace-controlled masturbation would be more enjoyable. I had to change my mindset.
During those times that I studied tantric sex I also read about meditation and some oriental philosophies that incorporate it in their rituals. What I came to understand was that meditation was a process whereby active thought, such as we experience in daily life, quietens down, and we start focusing on a smaller and more immediate part of reality. Some people achieve this by focusing on some picture in their minds, or a sound or a letter of the alphabet, or their breathing or heartbeat.
The notion of meditation, together with another thought acted to form a new idea in my mind. That resulted from the realization that I, like most men and women, fantasized during masturbation. The purpose of this for most people is to stimulate themselves sexually through thought. I had been taught by conventional sex literature that this was something to be encouraged as a help in achieving orgasm.
I decided to turn this idea on its head. Through the process of tantric practice that I had followed, I had learnt that one of the ways to postpone ejaculation was deliberately not to think about fantasies. Instead I focused on my penis, and in a manner of speaking “observed” the pleasure that I was experiencing there, for its own sake. Because I had learnt to enjoy the sheer act of masturbation itself – without climaxing or ejaculating – I had no need to fantasize. In fact, I discovered that I was a sexy subject on which to focus. I am not gay – and I am not sexually stimulated by observing men or fantasizing about them. But I am stimulated by my own body, my own penis and my own pleasure. So I found that if I focused as exclusively as I could discipline my mind to, on my own penis and the feelings of pleasure that it provided at any moment in time, I could stimulate myself maximally. I also found that because I was focusing on real pleasure – however slight it was in the beginning stages of masturbation – I felt no need to fantasize. There simply was no rush to reach orgasm. In fact, I had already discovered the enormous pleasure of masturbation without orgasm. The difference was that now I did not mind reaching orgasm, but I did not actively pursue it.
This also made me realize another thing: Previously when I had fantasized, I had pictured a girl or a sex scene in my mind, which represented something that I desired. The problem was, being a fantasy, this thing remained forever elusive. It remained something that I could not have. The involuntary result was that, also as such a fantasy was often very stimulating, one masturbated faster and faster in order to reach orgasm – almost as if chasing the illusive image in your mind. Such a process is fundamentally unfulfilling.
In my view the most important – if not the sole – reason for unhappiness, is craving that which you cannot have, or that which you hope to have tomorrow, and not enjoying what you have now.
It is however possible to masturbate slowly, gently and for a long period of time, while focusing on nothing but the delightful sensations of your penis. This in itself then becomes a ritual of meditation. Like all meditation it is a spiritual exercise that regenerates mind and body.
The point is however that such a method of masturbation – for me – produced the most unbelievable orgasms I had ever had in my life. I ejaculated, but often not as violently and profusely as I used to while practicing the more traditional way of masturbation. But I found that the orgasms that I enjoyed in this fashion were more deeply satisfying than any I had enjoyed masturbating the traditional way.
The best way I can describe such an orgasm is to compare it with a wet dream. Many of us have sweet memories of wet dreams as young boys (which is a bit of a misnomer, as young boys do not ejaculate, and thus do not have “wet” dreams – but you know what I mean).
Because most of us discovered masturbation somewhere in our childhood, as adults we probably no longer need sexual release through dreams. So we have lost the gift of a wet dream. The magic of a wet dream is that it produces orgasm through the sheer buildup of sexual desire and tension, and without any physical manipulation. Now although my way of masturbation does require physical manipulation, it has this in common with a wet dream: One reaches orgasm because the physical manipulation of your penis, combined with your mental focus, means that your sexual tension rises to a point that you ejaculate in the same way as in a wet dream – almost spontaneously.