Now I know the sex gurus all advise their clients and readers that they must fantasize while having sex or masturbating. What those gurus do, is to condition their clients and readers to try and become happy by reminding themselves of what they do not have.
That is insane. It is insane because those who fantasize never get what they fantasize about. They may have a quick orgasm that lasts a few seconds, but they will not be happy. First of all, the orgasm is not the elusive fantasy that they were chasing while masturbating. It will at best be a second prize. And, here is the clincher: they do not even have as good an orgasm as they should have.
So, here is another cliché in which I believe: sex or masturbation is a journey and not a destination. It should not be about getting “there” (coming, if you like) in order to make us happy.
A fantasy has a physical effect on a person masturbating: It leads to an instinctive and physical acceleration of the action of masturbating. It stands to reason: If you believe that you need to get “there” in order to be happy, you want to get “there” as quickly as possible. And if you conflate in your mind the false promise of your fantasy and an orgasm (as you inevitably will), the frustrating elusion (and illusion) of the fantasy almost compels you to masturbate faster and faster.
And trust me: this is not a good thing. At best, it leads to a quick and superficial orgasm. It might blow your load, but it will not give you the deep satisfaction that you want. At worst, quick masturbation action chasing an elusive fantasy leads to enormous frustration as you end up not having an orgasm at all. And since that is what you are chasing, you will be frustrated. I know what I am talking about. I have been there.
A good masturbation session is like peeling an onion, layer by layer, slowly, in order to get to the core. You want to enjoy peeling those layers off as slowly as you can, and then get to the inner core of bliss. Or take this image: It is like eating a great meal, slowly and chewing each bite, savoring the aroma that rises from your mouth into your nostrils, tasting each bite and relishing the texture of the food.
The best way to describe good masturbation is to see it as a form of meditation. Meditation is a spiritual practice that enables one to empty one’s mind of intruding thoughts. This you do by focusing on a single thing, or sound or object. You discipline your mind to think of nothing other than the point of focus. You enhance the experience by controlling your breathing.
Good masturbation has all the elements of meditation:
You must empty your mind of all extraneous thoughts, including fantasies;
You must empty your mind, as far as you can, of the aim of reaching an orgasm;
Instead, you must focus on yourself – to be more precise, on your body, and to be even more precise, on your penis. In the course of your masturbation session, besides actually growing to its maximum actual size, a time will come when your penis will seem to grow to become your whole being. You will become your penis, and it you;
Not only must you focus on your penis, you must focus on maximally pleasuring it in the moment;
You must breathe properly in order to let the life force flow through your body.
Your mind will play another part in this exercise: It will discipline you to learn to play like a child.
There is the popular notion that a man must have an erection in order to enjoy sex. The whole Viagra culture that has taken the world by storm is further testimony to this.
I would like to turn that idea on its head. I want to say that you do not have to have an erection in order to enjoy your penis. I am not debating whether or not Viagra is a godsend for thousands of men with erectile dysfunction. Perhaps it is. But I want you to change your mind about the idea that you cannot enjoy your penis without an erection. The culture of erections at all cost is a bit of male chauvinism at work. The erect penis is viewed as the sword with which the man must conquer his woman. There may be place for that notion, but do not cause yourself to miss out on a huge amount of fun here.
Of course an erection is nice. It is great to have an engorged, throbbing penis. But the point I am making here is that it is often our desire to have that hard throbbing penis that causes us to be impatient in our masturbation. We hurriedly start masturbating our limp penises in order to get “there”, that is, where we have an erection. Now it is quite possible, even likely, that in this way we might tease and irritate our penis into a state of erection, but if that is how we start our masturbation session – chasing the elusive erection in order to get “there” – we have already set foot on the wrong path. What is enjoyable about that? Getting an erection then becomes yet another stepping stone in a goal-oriented process that we must get over with as soon as possible.
Trust me, you want to play with your limp penis. Try to think back to when you were a child. Do you not remember an occasion, a time, when you really enjoyed playing with your penis, whether it was erect or not? Before you perhaps even knew of masturbating your erect penis to orgasm, did you not sometimes play with your penis – limp or not – for the sheer pleasure of touching this sensual organ with its web of sensitive nerve-endings? If you say no, you are lying.
I will make a confession here: Already when I was a child, I enjoyed nudity. I loved going out into the garden and playing around in the nude. I enjoyed the feeling of the wind across and between my penis, my balls and my buttocks. And yet I did not see this sensual experience – which was profoundly erotic – as being essentially bound up with having an erection. For that matter, although I often got an erection during these times, it was a bit of a distraction and if I was with friends, a source of acute embarrassment. I also recall having erotic dreams as a young child where in my dreams I did not have an erection.
In my adult life I have to a large extent relearnt the pleasure of erotic sensations enjoyed by my limp penis. What I have learnt is that the secret is not to chase the elusive erection. The secret is to enjoy touching oneself for the sake of doing it. I feel myself because it is nice. Sitting here and merely thinking about it is a very sexy thing – the idea that I can give myself permission to play with my limp penis. I can feel it, I can stroke its skin, I can jiggle it, I can sit and look at it, I can gingerly take hold of different parts of it, I can let it dangle in the wind, I can bend it and fold it. I can enjoy it for its own sake. Almost like I do it for the first time.
Also, you don’t want to feel that you have to get an erection, just as you do not have to feel that you have to have an orgasm. You can play with yourself just because you like it. How sexy is that?
The irony is that once you start playing with yourself because you like it – and not to get an orgasm – you normally find that within seconds your penis starts growing and hardening in your hands. This is another principle of happiness: If you cannot sleep at night, you read a book and soon feel your eyes closing. In other words, pleasure sneaks up on you, it is all around you. But pursue it aggressively, demand it, and it disappears like mist before the sun.
Less is more. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you flood your body with sensations, it loses interest fast. If you tease it with small tidbits, it enjoys the sensation and is ready for more.
This is how I like to play with myself: I normally take off all my clothes. Then I make myself comfortable on a bed or an easy chair. I take a deep breath and relax. I open my legs wide so that I can feel the air on my balls and in the crevices between my balls, my penis and my thighs.
When I first touch myself, it is a bit like when I am sitting in front of a huge meal with many attractive dishes. I do not just jump in and start gorging myself if I really want to enjoy the tastes and sensations of the food. I smell the food first, I look at the food, I decide what I want to try first. And then I take a small bite.