‘Mum! Will you listen properly. I’m not saying I don’t want you, I just want you to respect my right to a little space – surely that’s not too much to ask.’
‘Okay, calm down, Chloe,’ Margaret said snippily. ‘I’m just saying that when – if – you need me, I’ll be here. It’s just… I’d like to be useful to somebody, at least.’
‘I’m really not saying -’ Chloe began immediately, but her mother raised a hand to stop her.
‘It’s okay, Chloe. I know just what you’re saying.’
Chloe gave up; whatever she said seemed to be wrong. There was an awkward silence, before Margaret finally sighed and said sadly, ‘I envy you, you know.’
‘You do?’ Chloe asked, surprised.
‘You have it all ahead of you.’ Margaret nodded her head towards Chloe’s stomach. ‘So much joy, so many surprises…’
‘Is that how you felt?’
Margaret looked taken aback at the question. ‘Of course. Well, actually, I was scared rotten during my whole pregnancy with you, desperately praying you would be okay. But seeing you for the first time was the happiest moment of my entire life, even though I’d just been through fifteen hours of hell!’
‘Don’t tell Anthony that!’ Chloe laughed.
‘I don’t think Anthony would care,’ Margaret said sadly. ‘He’s always been so independent-minded – so determined. Whereas you, you were my little girl, and you would look at me so openly, so trusting. In fact,’ her voice cracked, ‘sometimes I would give anything to see you look like that again.’
‘Mum, I’m…’
Margaret shook her head. ‘Don’t, Chloe. Life moves on.’
Chloe felt tears smarting. ‘Mum,’ she said softly, ‘I’m so sorry about what happened… if I hadn’t – with Dad – then…’
‘Don’t you ever say that. Do you realise how silly that is? Thank god you did take me up there. You saved Anthony, Chloe. You saved us all, I think.’
Chloe mulled that over for a while. ‘Mum, did you really think you were having a heart attack?’
Margaret nodded, and cast her a quick, embarrassed glance. ‘Yes, for a little while – you have no idea how silly I felt when the doctors told me that it was just my nerves!’ She shook her head. ‘But Charlie… his began innocuously enough, so we didn’t ring the ambulance straight away, and by the time we did, then got to the hospital, well, it was too late. So I think I panicked, presuming it was going to be the same with me. I know it sounds silly now, though. I am embarrassed about it, if that makes any difference.’
‘Mum, I don’t want you to be embarrassed – it’s just that – well, it feels like, although we talk a lot, we don’t really talk, do we? I’m sorry I blew my top when I got up to see you; it’s just I was so worried, and I’ve been so stressed out about -’
‘I shouldn’t have made light of it,’ Margaret interrupted. ‘But I felt silly and I didn’t want you to worry and start fussing. It was a genuine mistake, Chloe, and I was pleased to see you – I’m very lucky to have a daughter who will drop everything for me in times of need, I realise that, especially with what you’ve had to contend with recently. I know it might have looked a bit selfish…’
Chloe was about to accept the invitation of the ensuing silence to tell her mother, no, of course it wasn’t selfish, when she stopped. From now on, she was going to be honest. From now on, she wasn’t going to accept excuses from anyone, including herself. From now on, she was going to do exactly what she thought was right, without being trapped by indecision because of worry that she might make a mistake. If she did veer off course, she’d just have to sort it out as she went along.
The weight that lifted from her as she had these thoughts was so enormous she felt almost faint from the release. She smiled, and her mother looked bemused.
‘What are you thinking?’ she said.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Chloe replied. ‘But I want you to tell me about my dad.’
Margaret looked worried, but she didn’t try to hedge. ‘Okay, Chloe,’ she said. ‘But I’m afraid it won’t be nice to hear.’
Chloe pursed her lips. She was determined to know every thing. Margaret saw the gleam of her eyes and said, ‘Right. Well. After we left, there was quite a bit of contact with your father – my dad took most of the calls, it was pretty nasty. We threatened to go to the police if he didn’t leave us alone, but since he was in the police force over in America, things were a bit tricky. But I felt terribly guilty about just leaving – I couldn’t see a way out, I thought we’d have to inform the authorities because I couldn’t let him get away with that – I mean, what if he… there were plenty of children around. But then… things were taken out of our hands. He went out on patrol one night a few weeks after we left and caught two youngsters stealing from a garage. He chased and caught one of them, beat the boy in a rage, even though it was basically food they were stealing… beat him so hard that the boy later died in hospital.’
Chloe’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh my god.’
Margaret nodded. ‘His defence tried to get the charge down to manslaughter – irony of ironies, part of their argument was that his wife had just left him and taken his kids, and he wasn’t of rational mind – but he still got convicted in the end. Which was a real relief. I knew which jail he was in to start with, but then I lost track of him. When Anthony went over, I tried to do some digging. It turned out he’d been released, and searching for him took about a year, and a fair bit of money – but I found him.’ Margaret moved across to the sofa, then reached out and put a hand on Chloe’s knee. ‘He died, love. Around the time Anthony left for America. He had a stroke.’
Chloe’s hand was still covering her mouth. She didn’t know what to think. It seemed – surreal. She didn’t really feel anything on hearing he was dead, which, in itself, felt wrong. She thought that perhaps she’d known all along the story went something like this, and she’d just put off having to hear it spoken aloud.
‘Poor Anthony,’ she said eventually. ‘When did he find out?’
‘A few months after he got married,’ Margaret replied sadly. ‘He rang one night, sounding like he’d had a few to drink, and told me I’d denied him the chance of ever knowing his father. He knew about the prison sentence before that, I think, but he said he still wanted the opportunity, that I should have let him make up his own mind before it was too late.’
‘And you didn’t tell him anything,’ Chloe said; a statement rather than a question.
Margaret shook her head, biting her lip, her eyes dewy. ‘I’ve always been so grateful that he was little when it… when we left America. It gave him a chance to forget. I don’t want to take that away from him, ever, even though he’s a man now.’
‘Oh, Mum.’ Chloe put her hand on top of her mother’s. ‘This must all have been so hard for you.’ She paused, thinking; then, curious, asked, ‘Did you love our dad?’
Margaret nodded. ‘I did – well, I thought I did, but I think I was also hypnotised by him. He was a powerful man, with a cruel streak, and it took what happened with Anthony to bring me to my senses. I have always felt guilty about putting both of you through that. Yes, you too, Chloe. You should never have had to experience that. You were a child. I was your mother. It was down to me.’
‘Mum, you didn’t -’ Chloe said automatically.
Margaret moved even closer to Chloe on the sofa, and began to stroke her daughter’s hair, pushing loose strands back behind her ear. ‘Thank you for saying that,’ she whispered. ‘However, although I may come across as a silly old fool at times, when I think of you and Anthony, in my heart I am a lioness, and you will always be my cubs. I want to roar at anyone who threatens you and tear the heart out of anyone who hurts you.’