They arranged to meet at a café not too far from home, but far enough that they were unlikely to bump into their neighbours. Alex was there three-quarters of an hour early, and soon realised that it was a mistake to sit and wait for so long, as his nervousness quadrupled every minute that went by.
Then Chloe arrived. She looked thin, and tired, and beautiful. They stared at each other, Alex trying to transmit all his apologies and love to her; while she looked like she wasn’t sure whether to leave or sit down.
When she finally pulled out a chair, she said in a monotone, ‘So, you’re back.’
His heart sank. Her voice had no relief in it; the tone was more like resignation.
He nodded. ‘It’s over.’
She picked up a menu. ‘Great,’ she said as she looked at the food on offer, nonplussed.
He took a deep breath. Although he’d had a wild daydream that she might fall into his arms, he was sadly aware that this cold reception was no more than he deserved.
‘Have you been ill?’ he asked.
‘Just a bit under the weather,’ she replied, waving her hand as though to dismiss his concern, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
‘Chloe,’ he said, touching her arm to try to get her to look at him. ‘I’m so sorry about everything I’ve put you through. I really am.’
Her eyes locked with his, and they were angry. ‘It’s too late, Alex. You should have explained yourself from the start – if not years ago.’
Upon hearing her say those three little words – it’s too late – he felt more wretched than he ever had in his life. He bowed his head and quickly wiped his eyes.
‘So why didn’t you tell me any of this at the beginning?’ she asked, her voice softening slightly.
‘I should have. But one of the biggest regrets of my life is that I abandoned Amy when she needed me most. I was too ashamed to tell you. And when she turned up, I felt she needed me again; and that this time I owed it to her to put things right. And it meant a lot to me, too, to see those men get caught. I thought I’d laid it to rest, but once Amy came back and we found out about the trial, it was like it had never gone away. I needed to see them convicted almost as much as Amy did, I think.’
‘But I’m your wife, Alex. I needed you too.’
‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
‘You know one of the things that hurts the most?’ Chloe said. ‘What makes you think that if you’d told me everything to begin with, I wouldn’t have understood? Why did you think that the only way through this was shutting me out, treating me like I was invisible, as though I couldn’t help you at all?’
He was dumbstruck. She was right. And he was just beginning to understand how big a fool he had been.
‘… Unless you still love her?’ she finished, still watching him closely. ‘And this trip, for you, has been about making a choice?’
He paused. The moment was pivotal, he knew; the answer critical. How could he be sure of getting it right?
He couldn’t, he realised. So he went for honesty, fervently hoping that this would fill rather than deepen the rift between them. He started from the beginning, explaining everything to her: the events that had taken place; the choices he had made; and the reasons behind them.
Chloe listened to it all, nodding now and again, emotions passing over her face like heavy clouds, intermittently closing down her features before they opened again a little as Alex continued.
She took her time when he had finished, letting everything he’d told her sink in.
‘Was I ever a replacement?’ she asked finally.
‘Never.’ He looked into her eyes, unflinching as she held his gaze.
‘When we met… at the station… you thought I was her…’
‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘I thought you were Amy at first. Until you lifted your head. And then I saw you. And, Chloe, I haven’t stopped seeing you since, not for a second. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Amy was my first love. She and I were caught up in a disaster; and it didn’t work out for us. But you are the love of my life. You are my future. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you right at the beginning what was going on. It was selfish – I was worried that if I told you what happened back then, the mistakes I made, then you would see me differently, and I would see myself differently too – and I love our life, I love us.’
‘This is… a lot to take in…’ Chloe said eventually. ‘But I’m sorry about what happened back then – to both of you – I just wish you hadn’t shut me out.’
‘I’m hoping you can forgive me for that,’ he told her, ‘and giving you a promise, here and now, that it won’t ever happen again.’
Chloe nodded. Smiled at him for a moment, then seemed to think better of it. But still, there was a light in her eyes, a fire and energy that Alex wasn’t sure he had seen before. Just having her in front of him and not being able to hold her was torture.
‘It’s going to take time, Alex,’ she said eventually. ‘If we’re going to try to get back to normal. We need to take it slowly and see what happens.’
‘Okay,’ he agreed. His whole focus from now on would be to spend every minute of every day putting this right. He was going to try to make Chloe happier than she had dared dream she could be. ‘Where do you want to start?’
She looked at him as if coming to a decision, then took a deep breath and said, ‘Right here, I think.’ To his surprise, she took his hand and pulled it forward, placing it over her stomach. She looked at him intently, conveying a knowledge that made his skin prickle as he realised there had been far more going on back home than he had ever imagined.
‘Alex, I have something to tell you,’ she began, and, in astonishment, he watched her lips moving, before there was a quick, shy flash of that lovely smile of hers, in answer to his own.
100
When Tess Duvalis opened the door, her expression was a blank of shock. She briefly put a hand out against the doorframe to steady herself, and then her face filled with joy and she moved swiftly towards her daughter, whispering, ‘You’re alive, you’re alive, thank god, thank god’. She caught Amy in a hug so fierce that it crushed the breath from her, leaving her gasping for air, as they sobbed their relief into one another’s shoulders.
Eventually, Tess let her go, and they moved into the house. Amy felt light-headed, floating.
There was so much that was unfamiliar, but the totality of the place was achingly like home. Although everything Amy was seeing was answering her questions, it was not until she made her way over to the mantelpiece that it sank in. There were old pictures of her on the wall – various school photos showing her metamorphosis from child to adult.
And on the mantelpiece, another photo – Amy, and yet not Amy.
A single photo. But it answered the one big question she hadn’t dared face for all these years.
Tess came up behind her. ‘She’s at school,’ she said.
Amy turned around and saw everything in her mother’s eyes – frustration, sadness, understanding, concern, love.
Amy’s voice was a sob. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Tess came and held her. ‘What for, my darling?’
‘I left her. I just left her.’
‘Yes, you left her. But you left her with a way home.’
A letter in the blanket. A number scrawled on her tummy in eyeliner, just in case the letter got lost. Such precarious links, but at the time it was all she had been capable of.
‘Listen,’ Amy’s mother said as she held her. ‘As soon as I got that call, I understood. I’m so sorry, Amy.’ She stroked her daughter’s hair.
Amy could barely get the words out through her grief, but gradually stuttered, ‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’
‘What for?’ Tess asked. She moved Amy away from her, holding her by the shoulders. ‘She was never a burden, Amy. She was a gift. I have been able to do things for her even if I couldn’t do them for you. It has been a precious, precious link between us while you’ve been gone.’