Mother wasn’t very technical, but she had figured out, even back then, how to use the security blankets to screen her sessions with me from the outside wikiworlds.
“It’s all your fault!” she would slur out accusingly. “That dirty bastard.”
As a parent she had full access to my pssi, and I had no way of blocking her out until I gained full control of it myself, which only my parents had the right to grant me when they felt I was ready.
Even as a toddler, I began to learn ways to hide and crawl into the cracks of the pssi system, deep down into the darkest corners away from others. I slowly began to find ways around the blocks and cages Mother tried to keep me in, sliding past the pssi controls to hide. Samson would crawl in with me, along with all the friends we’d created to hide together with us.
In her worst moods she would amp up my pain receptors and reach into me virtually to squeeze, pinch and pull on my tiny nervous system. It left no physical marks, but it was excruciatingly painful, and I would squeal and scream in the private Misbehave world she’d created for that form of punishment.
Down, down I would dive, into the deepest recesses of my body, trying to hide my consciousness in the sub-molecular gaps between my stinging, screaming neurons as she tortured me mercilessly, sinking her virtual nails into my pain centers for crimes I didn’t understand.
I never understood what I’d done wrong, but I assumed I must have been bad. Samson would just sit beside me, staring numbly while she abused me.
The learning bots and teachers at the Academy noticed I was falling behind the other children, but they just thought I was slower. In their calculations they figured I needed more attention from Mother.
“Gretchen,” explained Ms. Parnassus, our only human teacher, at the first parent teacher interview near the end of my first year at the Academy, “I think you need to restrict his access to the gameworlds. He seems distracted, like he wants to be somewhere else all the time.”
“I do, I try,” admitted Mother truthfully. She did try her best to cut me off from everyone else.
“I try to take the time for private lessons with him as often as I can,” she added with a sweet, crocodilian smile, “but you know how it is. He can be such a handful.”
Ms. Parnassus smiled at the both of us.
“Isn’t that right, Jimmy?” Mother added, turning to me, flashing her teeth. “You don’t want to Misbehave do you?”
I sat terrified beside her, a shell hiding inside a shell. I didn’t want to do anything to anger her, and I desperately didn’t want to be snatched off to Misbehave, so I shook my head and smiled bravely, holding back tears.
“He’s a bright child,” said Ms. Parnassus. “He scores extremely high in the gaming systems, but he seems to have a hard time socializing.”
I’d never really gotten on well with the other kids in the Schoolyard, the education portal world balanced halfway between real and synthetic where pssi-kids played growing up. I was extremely shy, and mostly played by myself, but Bob and Sid sometimes managed to drag me into the occasional game of flitter tag with the rest of the kids.
Without escape to my own private worlds, and restricted to the Schoolyard, I found it extremely difficult to focus my mind.
“And he’s a little devil to keep on hand,” added Ms. Parnassus, “he slips and slides away if you don’t watch him every second!”
“That he is,” agreed Mother, nodding, “and that he does.”
“His mind seems to be always somewhere else,” continued Ms. Parnassus. “It’s very hard to keep him focused.”
“Oh, he’s just always been that way, haven’t you Jimmy?”
Mother fluffed my hair. I was terrified.
“Does he have any special things that you do together? Stuff that just you and him do when you play?”
“Oh, you and your daddy play, don’t you Jimmy?” laughed my mother gaily, smiling at me cruelly.
“That’s nice,” said Ms. Parnassus, “is there anything he’s particularly good at when you play together?”
“The little rascal is very good at hiding,” admitted Mother, crinkling her nose at me, showing her teeth.
“Oh, like hide and seek?” asked Ms. Parnassus enthusiastically.
“Something like that.”
It was funny, my mother being so cruel and yet so honest in front of her. If there was any game that I was good at, it was hide and seek.
I was the master of hiding in plain sight.
18
Identity: Patricia Killiam
Of all the illusions our minds used to support their ephemeral frameworks, time was certainly the most contradictory; both incontrovertible and yet intangible.
Time’s arrow was just a slide down entropy hill, as the universe tended towards its finale of disorderly conduct. At the end of entropy was the end of change, and thus the end of time, and apparently I was about to cease changing myself.
“I’m sorry Patricia,” said my doctor. We were disembodied, floating in black space between millions of phosphorescent dots that brightly raced to and fro, spreading out through the root systems of my basal ganglia. The doctor and I were examining my brain.
“So there’s nothing more we can do?” I asked.
“We can’t push this any further with the technology we have. I’m afraid things have suddenly taken a turn for the worse,” he explained. “There are some experimental treatments we can try, but we can’t promise anything.”
I watched the dots of light racing around, trying to fully make the leap of understanding that I was watching myself from inside myself.
The doctor was at a loss to explain what was happening, but I had a growing suspicion I knew what it could be. If I was right, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop it.
“Well, please do what you can, doctor.” An illusion perhaps, but time still stubbornly seemed to end for those of us witnessing its chimera in action. “I just need a little more time.”
“Don’t we all,” replied the doctor, watching the neon pulses of my nervous system race around us, “don’t we all.”
Floating up at the edge of space, we watched the two converging hurricanes swirling ominously in three dimensions below us. We had almost all of Command and Security up there with us, watching the storms below us as we ran the simulations. They were building in intensity now, past Category 4, and like two enormous threshing wheels they threatened to pin and crush Atopia against the West Coast.
We were still holding our own as we backed away, but we’d almost run out of room. The way they were gaining strength it was obvious we were going to end up taking some damage, the only question was how much.
They’d quickly shipped off almost all of the tourists via the passenger cannon, but it would be impossible to get everyone off Atopia if the worst happened. Honestly, nobody even seemed to want to leave.
“We absolutely need to order an evacuation of the outer habitats,” I observed.
Everyone looked towards me. I’d been cut off from the Command communications and control network, but I was still a part of the Board. I had a right to be there.
“At the speed we’ve been moving, the kelp forests are already beginning to shear off,” I added. “No matter which way this goes, we’re going to lose most of it.”
This had serious implications. The kelp forests were the foundation of our ecosystem, and it was no good looking to America for help if we ran out of food for our million plus inhabitants.
The last time California had sustained a direct hit had been over a hundred years ago, with the hurricane of 1939 that had slammed into Los Angeles. This time, it would be two at once, and of far greater magnitude. On top of this, tropical storm John, thought to be dead weeks ago, had somehow regained strength and was now reversing direction towards us.