“I’ve got everything you’ve got and then some,” I countered, hoping to remind her that she wasn’t the only one with dire consequences hanging over her head.
“What does that mean?”
“It means if shit does go south, I’ll take the brunt of the punishment because I am the NCO. Because I’m the superior and I should have known better. It means I am dealing with my own fucked up head, and it kills me that I can’t make love to you. It also means that I just gave my family the middle finger because I chose to follow my fucking heart, yet here I am, watching you rip it out and smash it into a million goddamn pieces.”
My chest heaved up and down as the anger in my voice elevated. I couldn’t help it—the passion that had always been there where Cassie was concerned fueled it, and I wouldn’t tame it. She needed to see that there was so much more that I felt for her. So much that needed an outlet.
“Cassie, I know I have to deal with my Allen shit, and I am getting there, but I haven’t fucked you in a long time. And for you to callously throw it out there like that…it fucking hurts. You don’t fuck people you love. I can’t believe I had to remind you of that.”
“You know what I meant, Alex.”
“No, I don’t. Because I say what I mean, and I mean what I fucking say. I guess not everyone is like that.”
“Alex…”
“What? What, Cassie? I’m willing to do any and everything to make you happy. I’m choosing you over a career that I thought was the key to my existence. I’m choosing you over a family that has been there for me through every fuck up in my life. I’m choosing you. Why the fuck can’t you choose me?”
“Who said I wasn’t choosing you Alex?”
“You did, when you told me you couldn’t marry me.”
She went silent for a second, shaking her head as a tear trickled down her cheek. “Just because I can’t get married right now doesn’t mean I’m not choosing you, Alex.”
“Then what do you call this? What do you call telling the person that you are supposedly in love with that you can’t be their forever? What the fuck do you call this?”
“I call it needing to step back and clear up our shit before we jump into a marriage that is going to take everything we’ve got to make work.”
I could feel my pulse through my neck, painfully throbbing as I felt the end nearing and feeling as if it was taking my reason to live away with it. “What are you saying, Cassie?”
“I’m simply saying that right now is not the time for us to get married.”
“And I’m saying if you can’t marry the person you’re in love with, do you really have a reason to stick around?”
As hard as she tried, she couldn’t hold the tears from falling down her face. I was so hurt, angry, and messed up that I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t know what else to do, and I knew that if I stayed, irreparable damage would ensue. I stood and took a couple of steps toward her, taking her face in my hand.
“I love you with everything I have, Cassie Bennett, but if I’m not the one for you, if I’m not your everything, then I won’t hold you back. I love you enough to let you go because your happiness means everything to me.”
“But I don’t want to let you go, Alex,” she said through tears and sniffles. A light flush of red coated her cheeks, her eyes matching in tone. Her voice was shaky, and seeing and hearing her like this was breaking me. I couldn’t stick around for it much longer.
“Cassie, you don’t love me enough to marry me. We need to take a step back.”
The floodgates opened, and her head dropped. A single tear dropped down my face, burning and stinging the entire way down. I squatted where Cassie sat, taking her hand in mine and kissing the top while pulling her body closer to mine.
“I need to take a walk, then I’ll take you home.”
She looked up, furiously blinking the tears away. I kissed her forehead, then stepped and walked into the sand down by the water, and along the shore. With every step I took, I felt as if I lost a piece of me. I felt like everything we had worked for had been for nothing. I felt empty.
I loved Cassie and wanted to make her my wife, but I also loved her enough to know that letting her go was probably best. The last thing I ever wanted was for her to resent me, and if marrying me when she wasn’t absolutely sure about it was going to make that happen, then the marriage wasn’t going to be.
I walked…
And walked…
And walked…
I walked until the beach ran dry, and when it did, I sat, pissed off at the world with nothing in my power to do about it.
++++
Dropping Cassie off at the barracks was a relief. I made sure to walk her to her room, and even kissed her goodbye, but the distance between us was a necessary evil.
But I didn’t want to let her go.
I wanted to take her home with me, let her see that I wasn’t about to give her away so easily, and smooth everything out between us. I wanted her to see that I was who she needed—that we were what each other needed.
On the other hand, I knew that we had some serious shit to tackle before we could even attempt to move forward. She was hurting just as much as I was, and two hurt people weren’t going to do the other any good. We would only hide our pain in the other, becoming co-dependent and causing an even bigger problem down the road. I loved her more than I could have imagined ever loving someone, but I also cared about her mental well-being, and if she were fucked in the head by everything happening around us, I needed to let her go.
She flung the door open, turning around to tell me goodbye. She wrapped her arms around me, holding on tightly and crying on my shoulder as I held her, gently rubbing her back. I wanted to hold her forever, to make the storm pass so we could be happy again. That savory vanilla scent filled me, making me hold her tighter, knowing that I wouldn’t get my fill of her anymore. Bullets to the heart felt better than the shit that I was feeling at the moment because I knew when I let her go, I was really letting her go.
She slowly pulled back, stopping to stare into my eyes. Tears masked her eyes, and all signs of life seemed to be hidden away with their presence. Without thinking, I acted on impulse and pulled her close, kissing her as if she was my only hope for survival. My tongue filled her mouth, wrestling with hers, moving up and down, swirling around, trying to take in this delectable girl that I was letting go. I never wanted that kiss to end. I held her close after the kiss ended, keeping my lips glued to hers. Feeling her was a connection that I needed, and I knew giving that up was going to damn near murder me.
“I’ve got to go,” I whispered, feeling no conviction in my own words.
She nodded her head, then leaned in and kissed me again, this time dominating me. When she pulled away, she didn’t say a word. She simply grabbed her bag and walked into her room, shutting the door behind her. I stood staring at it for another minute or so, hoping she would open it up and run into my arms, allowing the bullshit from earlier to pass like a thief in the night, but that didn’t happen. I quickly stormed off, needing to put an end to this dreadful feeling.
When I pulled into my driveway, Riley’s truck was sitting there. He was another sore spot for me, and I had no desire to deal with him tonight, especially after he’d turned his back on me. Riley turning away hurt as much as my grandmother. He had emerged as my most trusted friend and confidant, and now he was practically a fucking stranger in my house.
I opened the door and strolled in, wanting to take a shower and go to sleep, forgetting that this fucking day had ever happened. The blue glow of the TV shined on the darkened room, the volume probably as high as it would go. I shut the door and walked into the kitchen, but the sounds coming from the living room pulled me in another direction. I peered over the couch, finding an ass naked Riley being straddled by an equally naked Nat as she rode him and he lay lost in euphoria, eyes shut, biting his lip, holding firm to her ass. Her eyes were closed as her hands fisted through her hair.