The veins in his neck began to bulge, and his breathing picked up. He’d just had his ego ripped away from him, then stomped on, so there was no telling what he was capable of at the moment. Before he jumped off the deep end, he turned on his heel and angrily marched out of the courtroom.
I turned back to Cassie, who hadn’t moved or said a word during the standoff. She had relaxed, but there was still something amiss with her. Something I couldn’t quite figure out.
“What’s wrong, Blondie?”
Her eyes opened. “Are you fucking stupid? Alex, we’ve beat the fraternization charges, but your family hates me, and you broke up with me. Now you’re acting like everything is fine. What is wrong with you?”
“My family doesn’t fucking hate you, Cassie. And I did not break up with you. I believe that was the other way around.”
“Really?” she shrieked. Now I could see hints of anger flaring up inside of her. “I told you I didn’t think it was best to get married right now. I never said anything about not wanting to be with you. That was your doing. It’s all or nothing with you, with no regard for anyone else. You ripped my heart out when you walked out on me, Alex, and you didn’t even fucking care about how I felt.”
She was right. I had done everything she had just said. I just didn’t see any other way to move forward after being rejected in the worst way possible. I ran my hand over my face and exhaled harshly. Before I could make out any sort of explanation, she was right back at me, tearing into my ass, and not holding back.
“You’ve done some incredible things to me, and then you have done some incredibly fucked up things to me. I forgave you once for fucking me over, but this…this feels so much worse. I love you, Alex. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, but I think you did me a favor when you walked out on me. You made me see that you are indeed a selfish prick who has to have things done his way. Well, relationships and especially marriages require compromise, and I’m glad that I see you have no fucking clue about the meaning of the word before I let you slip a ring on my finger.”
Air escaped me, and I found it hard to breathe. One of the things that I adored about Cassie was the fact that she was firecracker and didn’t take any shit, but in this moment, I wish she didn’t possess those qualities. Her words whooped my ass and left me hurting more so than any physical pain ever could. She was hurt, upset, and I had made it that way. I had put this wall up between us, and I knew I stood the possibility of losing her for good. The thought was worse than being convicted in that courtroom today.
“Cassie—“
“I need to get going. I want out of this fucking unit, and I need my orders to make that happen.”
Without another word, she turned and walked out of the courtroom, leaving me feeling like I had just lost everything important to me. Taking a seat on the chair in front of me, I let my head rest on the table while I thought long and hard about what I had done, and how the fuck I would fix it.
If I could fix it.
++++
I didn’t head straight for the Admin office. After I’d left the courtroom, I’d had to walk—to think and figure out what the fuck I had allowed myself to do in my moment of temporary insanity. I had to be insane if I thought letting Cassie go was the best option for me. I had successfully backed her into a corner, and she wasn’t giving in. I had fucked up…royally.
When I just couldn’t walk anymore, I found myself at my instructor office. It had been a while since I’d been there, and knowing that I was about to enter and leave for the last time sent a wave of melancholy over me. I hadn’t wanted to become an instructor, but I’d relished the opportunity, fallen in love with it, and taken pride in it. It was who I was, but now it was just an after-thought.
I took out my key and unlocked the door, then turned the knob and walked in. My eyes instantly met with Jensen. He was reading through roll sheets, probably preparing for his next class of students arriving within the next few days. Awkwardness didn’t begin to describe the feeling of the room. Our friendship had crumbled during my relationship with Cassie. We had fought, said some pretty fucked up shit to one another, and were barely on speaking terms. I didn’t know how to approach him, so rather than try, I just avoided him and pretended he wasn’t there.
There were a few boxes sitting on my desk, and I took the liberty of throwing things inside of them, trying to hurry up and get the hell out before any problems could arise.
“I thought you had court today,” Jensen asked, no emotion whatsoever in his voice.
I turned to look at him, holding a stone face as he sat glaring at me. “I did, and it’s over,” I coldly answered.
“You’re free?” he asked. The slight trace of disappointment in his words made my temper flare.
“Yes, I’m free. Anything else you’d like to know?”
He stared at me in disbelief.
“You look stunned, Jensen. You okay?”
“I just didn’t expect that.”
He was baiting me, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t falling for it. His smug and condescending attitude since finding out about me and Cassie had rubbed me raw. He was looking for a fight, and I was ready to give him one.
“Well, what the fuck were you expecting? Did you think that running to O’Hara and spilling your fucking guts to him was going to make you look good? Did you think a meritorious promotion would be in the cards? What the fuck, Jensen?”
A flash went off in his eyes, and he was in my face in a hurry. “Get the fuck off your high and mighty, paranoid horse, Alex. I didn’t have to say anything to O’Hara. Your stupid ass did you in long before that was necessary. You feel guilty for breaking the code, for stepping out of the fucking boundaries, and turning yourself into one of the motherfucking turds that we have come to despise. You want to know what I was expecting? I’ll fucking tell you what I was expecting. I was expecting for you to step up, be a man, and own your shit. I was expecting for you to walk into that courtroom with your head held high and tell them that you are a Marine, and that you believe in what that title stands for, and that you deserve to be punished because you have dishonored yourself, your unit, but most of all you’ve dishonored the Corps. That’s what the fuck I expected.”
He spoke so passionately that he stopped to catch his breath, all the while glaring at me. “I guess my expectations were too fucking high,” he resumed. “You’re a coward, and beating your charges or not, you will always know it because it is forever a piece of what makes you.”
“I ought to whoop your ass right here and now,” I lowly grumbled, feeling the heat rise within my body. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. You stand there, looking down on me, passing judgment and thinking that you are somehow better than me. Well, let me remind you of something. I am everything you want to be, everything you hope to become. You’ve been shadowing me since we got here because you see what you know you will never be. Fraternizer or not, I’m still light years ahead of you and it pains you to no end. Hate me, call me a fucking turd, but remember this. I have convictions. If I say or do something it’s because I believe in it. It’s too fucking bad that I can’t say the same for you.”
I threw a few more things into my box, then picked it up and headed for the door. “Think long and hard about throwing the coward word around, Jensen. Take a look in the fucking mirror before you use that again.”
Before he could say another word to me, I walked out of the office and instantly felt the first feel of gratification since Cassie had emotionally shattered me.