Angelica watched me questioningly. Her eyes searched me for answers that I wouldn’t give, but then she finally smiled and whispered, “I hope you feel better, Cassie.”
With a tight smile and a head nod, I hurried out of the gym. The air, even warm as it was, hit my face and finally settled me a bit. I coughed the withheld breath that had holed up inside of me, then wiped the thin layer of sweat from my brow and pulled out my phone. As best as I tried, it wasn’t good enough to keep me from cowering and calling Alex. He was drunk, and when Alex drank, he was volatile. I knew that now was probably not the best time to call him demanding answers, but when wounded, I wanted to fight back.
“Hello,” he slurred.
I could tell this drunk fest had been going for a while—there was loud music and yelling in the background. I’d initially thought he was drinking alone, or maybe with Riley, but by the sounds of things, there was a party going on, and Alex’s parties were anything but innocent. This further incensed me.
“Are you having a fucking party?”
“There is a party going on here. It’s not mine.”
“You expect me to believe that Riley is throwing a party on a Tuesday night, Alex?”
“You can believe what you want, Blondie. But if you have to know, no. Smith is.” Smith? He didn’t even live there. “Anyway, what’s up? Don’t you have a game to cheer on?”
“No,” I sighed. “Game is over. I was wondering about your text.”
“What about it?”
“You said you’re free. Free from what?” I waited with bated breath.
“Cassie, are you really calling me to ask about that? I’m free. There are no subliminal meanings in there.”
I exhaled, thankful yet still irritated at the same time. “You’ve been distant. You broke up with me on a fucking whim, and now you’re celebrating your freedom. Yes, I’m asking.”
“Cassie, right now is not the best time for me to get into this. You know why we aren’t fucking together, so don’t try and pin this shit on me. You had second thoughts, you don’t hold our relationship as highly as I do, and if we aren’t on the same path, then there really is no fucking point in dragging shit out.”
A long silence followed. Finally, I broke the torture.
“You’re a fucking prick, Alex. You’re so fucking full of yourself that your stupid fucking ego is clouding your judgment. I love you more now than I did when I said yes to you. I just want to be smart about making such a lifelong commitment, which you obviously know nothing about. Let your ego ruin everything for you. I hope it fucks you as well as I did because you’re never going to find anything better. When you sober up and want to talk, call me. Until then, go fuck yourself.”
“I already have, Blondie. It’s getting me by just fine.”
I hung up the call. I couldn’t believe we had come to this point. I wanted to scream into the night air, punch the fucking walls, or better yet, punch him in the face. But none of that would make me feel better or solve my problems, so before any murderous thoughts could spring to mind, I shoved my phone into my back pocket and turned to find Dalton perched against the wall. He held a somber look as he walked over and took me in his arms, kissing the top of my head as I held my face to his chest.
“You okay, Cassie?”
“I’m just fine,” I said, holding the tears back.
He rubbed my head and squeezed me tighter. “No, you aren’t, but it’s okay to play tough.”
I pulled back, looking into the sadness of his crystal blue eyes. “I’m fine, Dalton.”
“Okay, doll. You’re fine.”
“What’s your deal?” I asked, violently jerking my body away from his embrace. “I told you I’m fucking fine.”
He pulled me closer, then used the pad of his thumb to wipe away a stray tear that I hadn’t realized had fallen from my eye. He held his wet thumb in front of me.
“I may not be fucking you, Cassie, but I know you better than anyone. You are not fine, and it’s okay not to be.”
His words struck a chord and unleashed the floodgates. I burst into a fit of tears, trying hard to stifle them but failing miserably. “He’s done with me, Dalton. He’s deploying, and he won’t even fucking tell me. How had I not seen this side of him? How did I become just another anybody to him?”
“Shhh,” Dalton soothed, pulling me even closer and rubbing his hands down the back of my head once again. “You are not just another anybody to him. You’ve always seen this side of Alex, but you are in love with him, and sometimes love is fucking blind. Give him some time, he’ll come around.”
“I don’t even know how much time I have.”
“Then you find out. And in the meantime, you stay tough. You’ve been through some rough shit, and you will not allow this to break you.”
I tried to smile, but it hurt. The pain manifesting itself in my heart was now permeating throughout my body. “Love hurts, Dalton. It takes you over, whirls you around, and allows you to freefall. I’m free falling, and the pain of it all is destroying me.”
“Then don’t let it. Be that tough as nails Cassie that I know and love. And if you need my help in the meantime, I’m right here for you, but you will not fall apart for a man. You are not Emmalyn Bennett.”
I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer that I would never become my mother. She was a walking disaster, and when I wasn’t cursing her for being the evil, vindictive woman that she was, I felt bad for her. I had received a barrage of calls from her, but I never returned them. With the amount of shit being shoveled my way lately, I just couldn’t take her, not even in small doses.
“Let’s get you home,” Dalton said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and leading us away from the gym. A couple of tears fell from my eyes as I walked away, feeling like a piece of me would never recover.
Chapter 13
Alex
Beer, Jager bombs, and more beer filled my night. I was in such a haze that it was hard to remember when I even went to bed. Smith wanted to throw me a party for beating my charges, and with the way I’d been feeling, I was down for anything.
I wanted the alcohol to numb me from the pain of being without Cassie. Deploying would probably be the best thing for me because it would require my undue attention. The last thing I wanted was another deployment where my mind was stuck where it shouldn’t have been, instead of on our mission.
As much as it hurt not having Cassie, I knew that O’Hara had done me the best fucking favor that he could have ever done for me. Getting away would certainly ease the heartache.
I didn’t remember much from the night before, but my phone conversation with Cassie was shining through, crystal clear. I shuddered at the way I had spoken to her, probably making her feel like she meant little to nothing to me. That couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Let your ego ruin everything for you. I hope it fucks you as well as I did because you’re never going to find anything better.
That statement played over and over in my head until I just couldn’t take it any longer. As badly as I wanted to throw everything to the side, my mind continued to doubt Cassie’s commitment to me. I had laid every fucking thing I had on the line for her, but she didn’t feel the same way. It fucking hurt, but I wasn’t going to let it break me. If she came to me, laying everything out in the open and wanting this relationship as badly as I did, I would take her back in a heartbeat.
Unfortunately, all of this inner turmoil was building inside of me, and I had no place to release it. Cassie and I hadn’t had sex since before her attack, so I was beginning to grow a strong set of blue balls, and my frustration level was about to blow through the roof. I wasn’t sure how Allen was still playing on my mind, but every time I got to Cassie in that way, all I could picture were his fingers touching her, caressing her, attacking her…it made me physically ill to the point of violence and the only way to remove that feeling was to remove myself from the trigger. I spent countless nights and restless mornings desperately trying to find a way to deal with it, and move on, but all those thoughts served was more frustration, more anxiety, and hardcore hand job sessions that still didn’t satisfy me the way I needed to be satisfied.