“It’s been a while. And I thought I would share my favorite taste with you since it’s not something you have access to on your own,” he remarked, smiling while showing off his perfect set of pearly whites. “I want you to stay with me tonight because I’ll be gone all weekend.”
“Gone? Where are you going?”
“I have to go back to Santa Ana. This next week is going to be crazy, and I leave for Iraq next Saturday, so I’m going to spend time with my family before I go.”
I stood quietly, completely understanding, but feeling the sting of our situation once again. Before all of the shit that had crash landed at our feet, there would have been no question about me tagging along. But now…now I was an after-thought, and for good reason, but it didn’t make the blaring realization any less painful.
“You’re quiet. What’s going on in there?” Alex asked, gently poking at my head.
“Nothing. Let’s just go. I’m ready for a warm shower and bed,” I replied, walking back to the passenger side of the truck. Alex stopped me just before I could open the door.
“Cassie, you need to start talking right the fuck now.”
“There’s nothing to say, Alex. Let’s go back to your place so we can get some sleep.”
He stood back, then took me by the hand and led me away from the truck. “We’re not going anywhere until you start talking. I’ll keep us out here all night if I have to.”
I was beginning to fume, but didn’t want to show it. As it was, Alex could already tell that something was wrong, but I didn’t want my pissiness to ruin our perfectly good evening.
“Cassie—”
“Alex, stop. Wake the hell up. Look at what we have become. We’re still hiding, even though we’ve come out. We’ve gone from one dark closet to the other.”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m not fucking hiding. We’re out, we have every right to be, and that’s how we’ll continue to be.”
“Oh yeah? Then why am I not going with you?”
His eyes narrowed as he stared into my eyes. “Is this what this is about? You’re mad because I’m going off to see my family without you? Do I need to remind you about the last gathering we all had?”
“No, you don’t!” I shouted, finally allowing the frustration to erupt. “You do not need to remind me of the heinous time I had with your family and what it led to. I just want you to fucking realize that everything isn’t peachy keen or rosy as you want to believe. There is a large part of your life that I have to stay away from, much like when I had to hide out from the Marine Corps, only now it’s your family. This is no way to have a relationship, Alex. That’s all I want you to see.”
A flush of red filled Alex’s normally caramel skin as he pouted his lips before stepping closer to me. His eyes, narrowed and dark, impaled me, leaving me no wriggle room to move away from the storm that was brewing inside of him.
“There isn’t much that you can say to offend me, Cassie, but insinuating that I am hiding you, keeping you away from my family as if I’m afraid or ashamed of you definitely hit the fucking spot. This bullshit with my family is nothing like the Corps, and regardless of what they may think, I’m going to do whatever it is I want to do because that’s who I am and I don’t give two shits about who doesn’t like it.
“You want to know why I’m running off without you as you say? I’m doing it because the last time I had you all in a room, goddamned World War Three almost broke loose. I don’t need any more bullshit before I go and step into a battle zone that I may not return home from. So before you accuse me of trying to hide you, remember that I’m leaving to go and fight in a war, and I don’t need a precursor before I even get there.”
My heart sped with his morbid explanation. Had I become so jaded by everything that I failed to see the severity of what was happening to us? Alex had actually acknowledged the possibility that he wouldn’t make it home from war, and of all of the emotions swirling around in my head at the moment, fear stood out loud and clear. A tear fell down my cheek as I stood, looking into the eyes of the man that I loved but felt so many different emotions for.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” I croaked, my words lodged in my throat.
“I don’t want your apology, Cassie. I want you to wake up and see that you are the most important thing in my life, and your insinuation that I would be hiding you cuts fucking deep. I’m goddamned lucky to have you, and the world needs to know it, but I don’t want to subject you to any more bullshit where my family is concerned.”
“I know. I…I just got caught up in everything.”
“Everything like what?”
He wasn’t going to let this go, and I could tell this was about to open up another can of worms that we really didn’t need right now.
“Cassie…”
“Just everything, Alex. We had to break up before you realized what you were doing to us. Your family, our baby steps…everything. And now you say you might not make it home. I never want to hear you say that again.”
“It’s a fucking possibility, Cassie. We’re Marines.”
“Right. But if it were me going out there and I said that, would you be okay with it?”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
He sighed an exasperated sigh. “It just is.”
“Why? Because I’m a female? Because I won’t be on the front lines kicking in doors like you and the boys? I’m a Marine too, Alex. I’ll carry that same M-16 when I get out there, and I’ll have the same possibility…maybe not probability, but the possibility, yes.”
“Just fucking stop. You’re trying to pick fights now. We didn’t goddamn break up, we took a break. My family is a massive headache for both of us, but it’s something we’ll deal with together when the time is right. And the baby steps are necessary. I expect you to understand that.”
“A break? Alex, we’re not fifteen. We were engaged. We don’t take breaks.”
“So what would you call us right now? Because while I had my head up my ass, you said you still wanted to marry me, just not right now. So which is it?”
“You’re being an asshole right now. You don’t get to end things, and then turn them around on me. You don’t get to fucking do that.”
“Answer the question, Cassie.”
I stood glaring at him, completely unnerved at the fact that he had thrown a schoolboy temper tantrum when I put the wedding on hold, and now, weeks later, he was insinuating that it was me who put the kibosh on us.
“You tell me,” I replied, folding my arms in front of my chest.
He sighed again, then rubbed his hand over his head. “This is fucking stupid. We’re standing out in the middle of the desert, fighting over stupid shit after I just gave you the orgasm of your life. We should be basking in all of that, but instead, you’re picking fights over nothing.”
“That’s not an answer, Alex.”
“You want an answer? Here’s your goddamned answer. You’re still mine!” he yelled. His breathing escalated as he moved closer to me. “You’ve always been mine, even when I was a stupid prick and allowed my ego to get the best of me. You’re mine, Cassie. I didn’t let you go, and I’m not letting you go, so punish me… kick my ass, berate me. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself realize that I fuck up… a lot, and I more than likely will fuck up again. But at the root of all of it is you and this insane amount of love that I have for you. It drives me to do really stupid, irrational fucking shit, and I need to get it under control, but until I do, just know that not having you is not an option. So there is your answer. You’re fucking mine. And whether it’s tomorrow or months from now, I’m going to slip a ring on that beautiful little finger, and I’m going to prove it to you. Until then—”