He was in love.
The knowledge hit him with the force of a plank upside his head. Good God, this was worse than he'd thought. Had he believed he was only losing a small bit of his heart to Carolyn? What a jest! He'd lost the entire thing. And his soul as well.
He set down his brandy then walked to the sofa, where he sat down heavily. Tunneling his fingers through his hair, he looked up at Matthew and said in a dazed voice that seemed to come from very far away, "Bloody hell, you're right."
"That you're in love? I know."
"That I'm an idiot." Daniel rested his head in his hands and groaned. "How did this happen? And how do I make it go away?"
Matthew chuckled. "I imagine it happened in the usual manner-you discovered someone who… completes you. As for making it go away, I know from experience that you can't. It's not dyspepsia after all." He settled himself in the wing chair across from Daniel. "And why would you want to? Carolyn is a lovely woman."
Daniel raised his head. "Yes, she is. But she isn't in love with me. She still worships her dead husband. Her heart will always belong to him. She's made no secret of that." A humorless sound escaped him at the irony. He'd never before wanted a woman's heart, and had certainly never intended to give his away. And what happened? He lost his heart to a woman who didn't want it and had no intention of giving him hers.
He blew out a long breath. "What a bloody mess."
"Perhaps she'll change her mind," Matthew said.
Daniel shook his head. "No. Edward was the love of her life. She adored him. Still does. No man could aspire to scale the pedestal upon which she's put him."
"It's obvious she cares for you."
"Yes, I'm sure she does, but in a lukewarm way compared to her feelings for Edward."
And he knew, in his heart, that would never be enough for him. He could accept her loving memories of Edward-he wouldn't begrudge her the things that made her happy-but neither could he bear not to be first in her affections. To know that Edward's ghost always stood between them. That comparisons would always be made and he would always come out lacking.
For his own sake, he needed to end his affair with her. Now. Before he did something stupid and made an ass of himself. Like telling her he loved her. Or asking her to marry him. Or worse, begging her to do so. The only thing he could think of that was worse than not seeing love in her eyes would be seeing pity in them.
"Damn it all, why would anyone actually want to fall in love?" he asked.
"It's an incredible thing when you find the right person," Matthew said softly.
Yes, the right person being someone who loved you as deeply as you loved them. Unfortunately that hadn't happened to him. And this unrequited, one-sided emotional hell was nothing short of torture.
"We're going to have to rename our group the Ladies Literary Society-Plus One Baby," Carolyn said, giving Sarah a hug after her announcement that she was expecting a child. Sarah's happy news had enabled her to shove aside her own sadness over foolishly allowing herself to love a man who wanted no part of love. "I cannot wait to be an aunt."
"Neither can I," Julianne and Emily said in unison.
"Well, you're all going to have to help me keep Matthew in check," Sarah said, pushing up her glasses, "because I can already see he's going to render us both insane. He didn't even want me to climb the stairs!" She looked toward the ceiling. "If I don't nip his masculine panic in the bud right now, this is going to be a very long pregnancy indeed."
Carolyn reached out and squeezed her hand. "Be happy that the man you love is so devoted and caring, Sarah. There is no greater gift." And no greater pain than when you are in love alone.
"Speaking of great gifts," said Julianne, "did anyone happen to notice that Mr. Gideon Mayne, the Bow Street Runner, attended Lord and Lady Exbury's soiree last evening?"
"Yes," said Emily. "He was there with Mr. Rayburn."
"They are hoping to find clues regarding Lady Crawford's murder," added Carolyn. "But what does Mr. Mayne have to do with great gifts?"
Julianne looked around the room, as if making certain no one else was present to hear what she was about to share. Then she said, her eyes glowing, "Ever since he came to our home to question me and Mother after the masquerade, I… well, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him."
"A Bow Street Runner?" Emily said, her eyes agog with shock. "Good heavens, Julianne. Your mother would succumb to apoplexy, and for once I'd have to agree with her. A Runner! He is completely unacceptable. So common. And so coarse and hard-looking. Why he's almost as bad as that dreadful Mr. Jennsen."
Julianne raised her chin. "I think Mr. Mayne looks dashing and dangerous and exciting."
"He most likely is dangerous," Sarah broke in. "Certainly his occupation is."
Carolyn patted Julianne's hand. "While there's no denying he's attractive, it would be most unwise to entertain romantic thoughts about a man with whom you could never have a romance." She inwardly winced at the irony of her advice. "Personally, I think it's our reading of the Memoirs that has us all in a dither. I think for our next book selection, we need to choose something of a less salacious nature."
Sarah grinned. "Now what would be the fun in that?"
Carolyn smiled in return, but in her heart she couldn't help but feel that reading the Memoirs had set her on this disastrous path that led straight to heartbreak.
A wave of weariness washed through her, exacerbated by her emotional day and lack of sleep. She rose and said, "I don't wish to break up this gathering, but I'm exhausted."
Sarah looked at her and frowned. "You look tired. Are you all right?"
No. Everything hurts. My heart most of all. She forced a smile. "I'm fine. Just in need of sleep. Will I see you all tomorrow at Lady Pelfield's soiree?"
"Matthew and I will be there," Sarah said.
"Me, too," both Julianne and Emily said.
After giving hugs and kisses, Carolyn quit the room and made her way down the stairs. When she arrived in the foyer, Graham said, "His lordship is in the drawing room, Lady Wingate. This way, please."
She'd expected the butler to simply tell Matthew she was ready to leave, but obviously he wanted her to follow him. Pressing her fingers against her temple to ward off the headache brewing there, she walked down the corridor. After Graham announced her at the door to the drawing room, she entered, saw Matthew and smiled, hoping she didn't look as tired as she felt.
"Sarah told me the happy news," she said, offering her brother-in-law her hands then leaning in to kiss his cheek. "I'm so happy for you both."
"Thank you." He looked over her shoulder and she turned. And stilled at the sight of Daniel standing before the fire.
"Hello, Carolyn," he said, both his expression and tone grave.
Her heart turned over in that same way it always seemed to whenever she laid eyes on him. "Daniel. Are you here to share in Matthew and Sarah's good news?"
"No. I'm here to talk to you."
Before she could express her surprise, Matthew said, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if there is anything my lovely wife requires. Daniel has offered to escort you home. Is that all right? It would allow me to remain with Sarah."
"Yes, of course." She offered him the best smile she could muster. "But there's no need for concern. She's not doing anything more strenuous than talking to Julianne and Emily."
"Good. That means I can cease worrying for perhaps thirty seconds." He quit the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Daniel walked toward her, and anticipating a kiss, her heart sped up. It wasn't until he drew nearer that she noticed the lines of fatigue and worry etched around his eyes. Recalling how emotional he'd been earlier, sympathy tugged at her. "Are you all right?" she asked.