I was destroyed. I did not know how to hide my feelings and often paraded them for everyone to see. They could not prevent me from walking behind the coffin with Marie's parents. And obviously, my fellow burghers knew soon what had transpired. The most venomous gossip went from one to the other. The little provincial town had its sensation of the year. Without any shame these people said, “It's obvious! The mother is doing exactly the same!”
How I hated those dogs. They have as little respect for love as they have for suffering. They drool and slaver the very moment a human emotion shows itself unveiled. Their morals are like a changeling conceived by jealousy and irritation over the fact that their own dulled senses can only be stirred by vile and disgusting fantasies.
Fortunately for them, I was so immersed in my own grief that I did not pay any attention whatsoever to their vile whispering, or else I might have knocked several people's teeth out. It did not even make any impression upon me when my tutor, who was also one of my school teachers, told me that he had taken the liberty of announcing my withdrawal from that institution to save me the embarrassment of being expelled. It's obvious that one should expel a derelict like me. May the devil get them all.
Mama was in Japan at that time. How could she have come to my aid quickly? My uncle, my father's brother, took me under his wings. He did not ask any questions, the “facts” were enough for this little Philistine. Oddly enough, today I am very grateful to him. He bought me everything he could think of and then he dropped me off at the railway station. “Travel! It makes no difference where,” was his opinion. Nice Philistines like him are always of the opinion that a young man who has been in trouble should travel. He did not know any better.
First I went to my grandmother to see my little brother again. I really longed to see him. After all, he was part of my Mama. Then I went on to France, to Spain, with the boat to Sardinia, Italy, and finally to Switzerland. That's where I stayed because I was tired of running. I took up residence in one of the respectable and expensive hotels.
Chapter Four. A YOUNG MAN BECOMES EDUCATED IN THE UNUSUAL
I could not rid myself of the depressed mood I was in. I would sit in the hotel lobby and vacantly stare into nothingness for hours on end. Sure, I was young and healthy, and there were moments in which I managed to forget. But, moments like that were short and few. The only things that made a lasting impression upon me were the sweet and tender letters Mama wrote to me. If I ever succeed in forcing myself into a higher esteem for my fellow men, I will give to the world this collection of letters written by a marvelous woman. They deserve a high ranking place among the most noble documents of mankind.
But finally the day arrived that I laughed for the first time. And about what does one laugh first? About the miserable old husband who has a beautiful young wife. I had noticed the wretch in the reading room of my Swiss hotel. He bothered all the young people with invitations. His beautiful wife, a golden-haired Swede, was bored. He needed company to cheer her up, at least during the evening hours, he kept assuring them. And he held one champagne party after the other. He had always avoided me, which I can fully understand since I never bothered to smile and my eternally stern-looking features could not have possibly endeared me to him.
Finally he decided to talk to me, inquiring after the reason of my sorrow. The man was so preposterous that I managed a smile when I answered, “That's because so far you have always neglected to invite me.” His face lit up with delight. He refused to let go of me and I started to regret that I had bothered to talk to him in the first place.
He introduced me to his wife. She pretended to be very demure and disinterested but the occasional glances she threw at her husband indicated that she was highly satisfied. Now and then she would lean toward me and, as if unintentionally, she would afford me a look into her low-cut gown, showing me her finely veined milk-white breasts and deeper, all the way down to her navel and below. I was assured that, aside from her blue silken gown, all she wore was silk stockings.
When she got up out of her club fauteuil, I noticed, not without displeasure, that she had beautiful flaring and inviting hips, a marvelously modeled behind and promisingly well-shaped thighs. At first I was surprised that I noticed such a thing and then my surprise turned into sadness because, after all, I had traveled Paris and Madrid without paying any attention at all to the many beautiful women that live there.
But my serious mood did not last long. That idiot husband of hers made me laugh with his overzealousness. I got the distinct impression that he wanted to force his wife upon me! I finally accepted his invitation to a “small and intimate supper,” as he called it. It took place in one of the large rooms of the suite in which the couple lived. To my surprise I was the only guest and I could not help but make a remark about that. The man answered, and when he spoke he poked me in the shoulder blades, “But most people are so boring, no youth!”
I had to disagree. I remembered the names of several young people with whom I had exchanged some conversation.
“They are very nice and sociable people,” I said.
The man smiled mysteriously.
“Yes, yes, you are right … sociable; you know, but people, just plain people! One wouldn't want to socialize with them … it's like you said, nice, but, you know, their conversation is so, so … dull. Like I said, their words are so, so artificial; everything they say is so, ahem, well-dressed!”
At that moment his wife entered the room. She wore a simple black dress. Come to think of it, I don't know whether one could call it a dress. It looked as if she had wound a few yards of soft black silk around her naked body, starting under her arm pits. Her neck, shoulders and arms were bare, her white skin contrasted sharply with the gown and her reddish-blonde hair accentuated it even more. One thing was sure: this woman looked gorgeous!
She must have noticed the admiration in my eyes. Bending her upper body slightly backwards, she proffered her hand. Her husband, enraptured, reached for it and pressed his slightly heavy lips upon her fingers, showing no intention to let go of her hand. She jerked it away from him, turned toward me and said with a smile, “Ah, he is so … so …! But, why don't we sit down?”
She threw herself upon one of the low couches, behind which a huge mirror stretched all the way to the ceiling.
“Don't you prefer to sit next to me?”
Madame suddenly did not appear as reticent and honorable as she had been downstairs.
“You are not from northern Germany by any chance?”
“I am an Austrian, my dear lady.”
“One can see that immediately. You are so nice and have so much natural charm. Those other gentlemen in the hotel… ach … Berlin! Leipzig! And those two young ruffians … those Americans! You know …”
She held out one hand and allowed her husband to hand her a smoker's tray. She took a cigarette, put it in her mouth and then offered one to me and one to her husband. While doing this, her arms and my face came suspiciously close together. “You are still very young, or is it impossible to seduce you?” she asked smilingly.
“Isn't she marvelous?” exclaimed the man.
The behavior of this woman had made me bold enough to answer, “Dear lady, it would be a pleasure to be seduced by you.”
The tottering husband applauded, “Hurrah for Austria! What do you say, Syddi, wasn't I a good boy?”
She reached him her hand so he could kiss it.