I was surprised that it made no impression upon me at all. I only remember that I had to admit to myself then and there that neither a wife nor a dog whip, nor for that matter the married man himself, would succeed in breaking off relations with my two friends. I asked, “And when were the girls here for the last time?”
“Oh, God, I can't even remember,” said the gardener, “it must have been more than a year ago since they left Salzburg.”
My quick, involuntary movement must have made him realize that I was more interested than I pretended to be. “Oh, they've gone. After a scandal like that one,” cackle, cackle, “they couldn't have stayed in this town. And their father was not much better than they were. He went with them instead of throwing them out of the house. Well, you know how people talk.”
“About what, my friend?”
“Well, that he … that he did it with his own daughters.”
I laughed. No, I could not believe that. The girls would never have kept that a secret from me. More likely that they would have bragged about it to me. It was simply a matter of their father allowing them to be happy in their own chosen way.
So why else had I come to Salzburg. In my imagination I had already created a happy reunion and now I was starving for their company … any company.
I had been ill for almost a year and after that I felt it my duty to castigate myself. Whenever my desire threatened to overpower me I would do handstands and other gymnastics till I was exhausted. But now my period of chastity had gone through its crisis.
I was somewhat irritated when I retired into my room. God knows that I, if I had found out where the girls were, would have taken the next train to follow them to wherever I would have found them, I would have taken them on the spot. Oh, yes, I would have. And I did the most stupid thing I could have done. I stretched myself on the sofa and gave my fantasy free reign.
Fortunately, I was not given too much time, because someone knocked on the door. A second knock. Finally I decided to call, “Come in!” A girl came in, the maidservant of my gardener as I soon found out. She had been sent to ask if there might be something I wanted. She was a typical peasant girl from the Salzburg district, fairly tall, sturdy and without too much shape. I let her come very close to me and when she finally stood at my side, I took her hand and pulled myself into a sitting position.
“What I want … what I want,” I asked, caressing her upper arm which felt strong and firm. “Just wait a minute, dear girl, and I will think of something.” I grabbed her around the waist and forced her to sit down next to me. When I started to take my hand off her arm, she made a move so that I, without intending, touched her voluptuous bosom.
Now my desire started to awaken. I did not see or hear any longer, I had become lust. With one full swoop I tore the girl's cotton blouse. I saw the beautiful white skin, the beginning of her broad, firm breasts. I pulled the girl down on the sofa with me and, ere she had had time to recuperate from her initial surprise, I had lifted her skirts high and feasted my eyes upon her well-formed thighs and almost hairless organ, the sight of which made me go wild with burning desire. I threw myself upon the girl and, while my hungry kisses closed her mouth, I penetrated her deeply. She was as if hypnotized, but when I shamefully wanted to let her go, she clamped herself around me. Then I noticed her deep red flush, her longing eyes, and I noticed desire behind her smile, her white teeth flashing, lips curled, in a half-open mouth.
“Do you think you could stay longer?” I asked hesitantly.
She nodded, keeping me in her firm grip. I made her let me go, took off my clothes, locked the door and started to undress her.
She resisted. “Oh, no, not that… it's shameful!” But I wanted to see all of her, because I had noticed that she had a beautiful belly. I brutally tore the clothes off her body and, sure enough, I had never seen a more beautiful belly and well-formed buttocks on any of the women I had possessed. I told her so, but she did not seem to listen. She sobbed, hands on her face, and repeated, “Oh, please, you take away all my feeling of shame.”
That made me laugh, and I was surprised to find that I could still laugh. I started to kiss the girl all over, even her hairless organ. I nibbled the firm flesh and then I screwed her like a madman. She groaned and bucked and when I came for the second time, she lifted her behind and pushed against my body so firmly that I couldn't come free. She suddenly pulled me against her bosom, her hands pressed against my buttocks, pulling and pushing, and her innocent fumbling caused me to start all over again in an orgy of fury, her entire body now cooperating in our wild game of love, an orgy of steaming flesh. Groaning, she was thrashing wildly on the bed, but when I wanted to pull out my member she grabbed for it and held it in a firm grip till it hurt. That was the lust of a wild animal, rutting to conceive.
When she finally let go of me, her words were breathless but her eyes were shining and she repeated pantingly over and over, “Oh, my God, that's gonna be twins!” And she lifted her breasts, adding with a smile I will never forget, “and they won't ever be hungry, neither.” I could not help myself, and kissed her tenderly all over with awe and veneration. Then she dressed herself with the languid movements of a satisfied animal.
“Are you going to come back?” I asked her.
She let the question sink in slowly and then felt her private parts, rubbing them softly as if they were hurting her. Then she said, “One more time, but then you will have to do it till I go silly, if you can bring it up-but not today — tomorrow, after dark.”
And she came to me the next night after the gardener and his wife had gone to bed. We knew each other fully undressed and it seemed to me as if I was catching up in one night on things I had left undone for two years. My member was raw and she was silly.
The next day I left Salzburg. Whether she really did get twins or not, I don't know. Though I have tried to find out whatever became of this girl — and I am sure she must have found her man — I never knew what became of her. I am grateful that I have been able to reward her richly, giving her the security of a carefree future. I hope that she has found herself a husband who will bring up my “twins” to be good and decent people and who will receive from her body the same delights that she gave me, a poor starving man.
My following stay in Vienna brought me a period of sexual overindulgence and a subsequent satiation which, as has happened to so many before me, brought on a total breakdown in my sex life. I must grudgingly admit that this misery does not happen to everyone.
The writing of plays obviously brought me in close contact with the capital's theatrical life. I got to know them all, the little men and the little women; I have described them exactly the way I found them and earned their undying ingratitude that way. Obviously they are convinced that I have lied about everything but that is only because they don't know themselves and have no idea about the objectionable parts of their personalities.
And yet, I did find a few with outstanding personalities, oddly enough: only among the women. Men are either vain out of stupidity or stupid because of their vanity. Their art is a craft to them. That is why there are so many who are absolutely unimportant, only a handful who have perfected their craft to the limit with effort and endurance, and an occasional virtuoso who has pushed his capabilities far beyond the average. But it seems to me that there are no longer any true artists among the performers. I have only met a few women who, because of their temperament, could not possibly be anywhere else but in the theater.
I was especially intrigued by one of them. Without being truly great, and definitely without any true claim to all the furor that was made about her, she was a born actress and above all a real woman. I had met her during a rehearsal. I was completely taken in by her soft charm, at least during the beginning. We became intimate and one day I thought that something might develop between the two of us But then she warned me, “My dear friend, don't become involved that way. You wouldn't be able to bring it up. I need quite a lot.” She laughed a clear ringing laughter and sounded like a cheap whore, adding, “I don't know the situation of your money-bag, but that is not the bag I am after. And I am sure the other one is neither heavy nor full enough to satisfy me.”