After I had regained my composure a little bit, I looked at the bodies of my fellow pupils, first sneakily, then hesitantly and finally with bold daring. I did not like the skinny ones at all, but I liked the firm ones with light skin, especially those with a tight crotch and wide hips, the ones who looked like girls. And I also took a very good look at those private parts. I am sure that after the tenth time in the swimming pool I could have recognized every one of them by those parts, even if the rest of them had been hidden from sight. I also noticed something else, and that was that sometimes one of the boys, during the horseplay around the pool, especially in summer, would get a stiff member. Whenever the supervising teacher would notice such a thing, the boy in question received a cold spray from the garden hose, much to the delight of all the other boys who knew the meaning of this particular cure. We whispered about these things and the innocent ones who knew the effect but not the cause were quickly enlightened by the more experienced boys about the feelings that caused the hardening of the parts in question.
On my twelfth birthday, which was celebrated at school like everybody else's, I had an experience. Obviously I was used to receiving presents from home only. This time I received more than usual and among the presents was a picture of my three-year-old little brother whom I had never met. That made me feel quite sentimental and I cried a few hot tears. But somebody had noticed it, a blond beautiful boy whom I had always secretly liked very much but with whom I never had had any contact, possibly because he was a few years older than I was. He walked over to me and embraced me passionately. I should tell him about my troubles and he was going to be my best friend. He shoved a large piece of chocolate into my mouth and had me swear eternal friendship.
The whole thing was incredibly solemn. We were alone in the room, because all the other boys were already on their way to the gymnasium. I promised to be true to him forever and we kissed each other. And then we went after the others to the gym. It struck me as peculiar that, from then on, the boy avoided me as much as possible in the daytime. I asked him about it. “Is this your way of showing friendship?” I questioned. And he whispered harshly, “The others aren't supposed to know about it!” and he withdrew again from me. Whenever we were over at the swimming pool, I took great delight in watching his body. The firm calves and thighs, his full chest with pronounced nipples and private parts more beautiful than those of any of the other boys. He noticed that I was watching him and walked over to the dressing rooms. I waited a little while and then followed him. We were alone. The boy smiled at me, his lips slightly parted and showing his beautiful teeth. He stretched his arms over his head in one fantastic fluid movement. It is very possible that the memory of it makes the mental picture more beautiful than it really was, but I know for a fact that it made a tremendous impression upon me at the time.
“Quick, kiss me!” he called to me softly. In no time at all I was standing close to him, our nude bodies pressed together, our private parts touching. Suddenly he grabbed me firmly and started to wrestle. Soon he threw me and slapped me laughingly upon my behind. “You little devil,” he called out. “Did you think you could wrestle me?” I heard the laughter from two of his friends. He had just noticed them in time through the opened door, and, to fool them, he had started our mock wrestling battle. When we were back in the pool, he started to throw water at me, separating me from the others, and when we were alone he whispered quickly, “I hope I did not hurt you, baby.”
All day I walked around in a daze. As often as I could, at mealtime and during afternoon recreation, I tried to get close to him and touch him. I could feel how shivers would run through his body. When I became a little too bold, he told me to be more careful. Once two boys had been caught kissing each other and the most terrible things had happened. The boys had almost been thrown out of the institution, and now it was his task to watch over one of them. But actually, he protected both. Of course, I wanted to know their names, especially since I too wanted to be their friend. But he did not tell on them. “Not yet, I want to make sure first,” was all he said.
A few days after this great experience which, if it had continued, could have changed my entire life, my new friend came to see me and said, “This afternoon, right after the vespers, go to the old log cabin at the end of the park. You know where it is? Now, the entrance is nailed shut, but on the right side, just above the tile foundation, is one log that can be moved aside. It's easy to crawl through the opening. You will see what is going to happen. I cannot tell you anything now. But if you betray us, or if they catch you when you crawl through that opening, we will all be lost forever.”
I paid so little attention to the morning classes that the teacher cited me. My excitement grew to such a fever pitch that I was incapable of taking even one bite during lunch. Therefore I had to go to the school doctor and I was scared stiff that he would send me to bed. But, fortunately, everything seemed to simmer down.
At two o'clock I was called into the director's office. I started to tremble. Could he have found out anything about what I was about to do? But the director was very nice to me and even invited me to sit down next to him. Then he said, “You will have to take the next train and go home, my boy!” I was terribly scared, and my first thought was that my beautiful friend had squealed on me and that now several of the boys were going to be dismissed because they liked each other too much. The director ruffled my hair. “I don't think that; it will be too serious, my boy. Your father is ill and he would like to see you. Pack all your things together, because we don't know when you will be back.”
Then he appointed one of the teachers to accompany me. I listened and listened. Didn't the director say that Papa was ill? I tried my very best to visualize my father and I did not succeed. I could not remember at all how he looked and it frightened me enormously. And then I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be in the log cabin right after the vespers. Wasn't it possible to take the night train? The director himself had told me that it was not that serious! I cannot remember how I arrived in my room, but suddenly I was there, stuffing my belongings from the drawers into my luggage. The teacher was standing right next to me, urging me to hurry. When we crossed the schoolyard, my beautiful friend stood in the window. I did not even have the time to say good-bye to my friends. It seemed as if the boy was crying while he waved to me. It became apparent to me that he knew the reason for my sudden departure.
That is why I never got to know the mystery of these boys. I suffered for a long time about that. My imagination supplied me with the most daring pictures, in both waking and sleeping hours. And even today I sometimes feel that I, who have experienced so much during a lifetime, have an emptiness somewhere, not in my intellectual life, but definitely in my emotional outlook, an emptiness which I cannot seem to fill. And it is most extraordinary that I have never met even one single boy with whom I used to go to that boarding school, not even my beautiful friend. Once, about fifteen years ago, during a long stopover in Berlin, I did try to look for him in “certain” circles in which I assumed he would now travel. He was from Berlin. But I had no success.
My father had died.
After the funeral, my former tutor came to visit us. He did not take much notice of me but went directly to see Mama and he talked at length to her in the red reception room where Mama also used to play the piano. I sat with my little brother, who had grown into a darling boy, and his nanny in the next room. Once in awhile the tutor's voice could be heard; he spoke very excitedly, but unfortunately I could not understand a word he said. He was incredibly serious when, after a long time, he finally left the room. Afterward I heard that my tutor had implored Mama to marry him. He was then barely twenty and Mama was well past thirty. She told me herself, when I had become an adult and her trusted friend, that she considered it an incredible audacity that a man, like Richard III, would woo the widow away from the dead body of her husband. She was afraid that he would do harm to himself, but the fact that he did not even try, made her decide to let him go.