Before I left her, I always had to go with her into her luxurious bathroom. And when we were together in the large tub, in the warm water, we would kiss and kiss till our desire would flare up again.
And when I came home, Mama would receive me with quiet tenderness. She would often stroke my hair. She knew where I came from and I believe that she also knew about everything else. When I had been to visit Rita day after day for a few weeks, Mama said to me, “You will have to limit your piano playing with Rita to three times a week; the other afternoons I will have a tutor help you with your homework, otherwise I am afraid that you will fail in school and we can't have that happen, can we?” I took Mama's hand and held it for a long time, thinking whether I should talk and tell her everything. But my natural feeling of tact held me back. I remained silent. I did not protest Mama's wish to limit my visits with Rita.
Come to think of it, that was not very surprising. After all, I had just come home from Rita. And when you tell someone who has just gorged himself at a banquet that he will have to go on a diet, it does not make much of an impression. Normally, Mama would insist on my going to bed as soon as we had had our dinner together, but that night she allowed me to stay up for one more hour. She was so sweet that I suddenly embraced her and kissed her. Then she said, “Oh, you wild, wild boy.”
At that particular moment I did not know whether it was she or whether it was Rita who said that. I held Mama's head firmly against my chest and then I slid down and put my face in her lap. I remained that way for a long time and was very thankful to Mama that she, too, did not speak a word.
An hour later, when I was in bed and trying to study a little before I would fall asleep, I had a sudden inspiration which intrigued me so much that I got up and sat down in front of my desk to write it down. The idea was not at all original but it caused my feelings for Rita to change and it also gave me a chance to put my feelings down on paper and to write down my experiences. This is how my diaries were written which I have kept up till today and from which these pages found their inspiration.
One should not laugh about keeping a diary. If they mirror the most intimate part of a human life, then they are priceless. By writing an honest diary one can be of tremendous service to those who make it their life's work studying human nature and who may one day acquire possession of such a diary. Only a very few who write down their experiences are capable of telling the complete truth. Most of us do not have the courage to look at ourselves naked in that mirror. A false feeling of shame and modesty forces us to hide and even justify our doings to ourselves. To avoid the truth of which we are afraid, we will wrack our brains to come up with fantasies which are more satisfying and we are only happy when we have been successful in replacing an unpleasant truth or an experience which we really had or a thought that flashed through our minds with something nice and kind which has never happened at all.
I thought about my entire affair with Rita and finally I came to a sudden conclusion that I was playing the role of the eternal giver. Her submission was not a granting but an avid taking without any feeling of gratitude. Suddenly I said to myself, the way she takes you, she has been taking many others before you, not because she wants partners to share her delights but simply to satisfy her own lust. It occurred to me that she might not care at all that I had to limit my visits to her home.
But no matter how these and similar thoughts had haunted me, the next day I felt impelled to visit Rita again. I was passionate and wild and I told myself that I was the lucky one who was received happily by her, though nevertheless I was more observant than usual. Despite all this, it was fantastic doing it that particular day. I can still remember it clearly. After some gigantic outbursts of passion we were resting, our bodies entwined, upon the soft carpet. Our breaths mixed, I can remember that we had just enough common sense left not to forget our breathing. Otherwise I felt that dying at this ecstatic moment would be my greatest happiness.
We had fallen asleep, breast against breast, mouth upon mouth. Suddenly I got up, sat on my knees and tried to lift up Rita. At first she resisted. Then I told her harshly, “I want you to embrace me, you have to kiss me and I order you to tell me that you love me!” She laughed and got up on her knees, too. We sat opposite each other on the soft carpet, eye to eye. Half relaxed, she spread her arms and called out, “Kiss me!”
The way she sat there in front of me, her arms spread out, her body slightly reclined, her beautiful breasts jutting provocatively, her eyes closed and her lips half opened, she seemed to me to be the very embodiment of a bacchante. I kissed this desirable body everywhere and she started writhing with renewed passion and vigor. She let herself fall back upon the carpet, her arms raised above her head and we went at it wild, wilder, wildest.
Only after I came painfully out of this state of utter mania, I suddenly experienced a disillusionment like I had never felt before. I absolutely refused to go with her into the bathtub and pulled away when she tried to grab my hands. She acted very surprised but then she started laughing and said, “You should stay away for a couple of days, little one, I think I am giving you too much.” She lifted her breasts with her hands and held them out to me. “Aah, I would have loved to give you so much more!”
It scared me. Of course, she must have noticed that because she said with a motherly air, “But no, no!” Meanwhile she took me by the hand and led me straight into her bathroom. I did not resist any longer. She told me to get into the tub. I did. She got in, too. I felt her kisses, moist and hot, I felt her soft fingers stroke up and down my body, but suddenly I did not feel anything any longer. A sweet, lingering weakness took hold of my body and I became incapable of feeling and thought. The incredible fear which Rita must have experienced became clear to me when I woke up. She had not been strong enough to lift me out of the tub so, while she had lifted my head above the water with her left hand, she had taken out the drain stop with her right one. That is how I wound up in an empty tub. Rita was rubbing me with sharp smelling essences, my chest, my forehead and my temples. And when I opened my eyes, her first words were, “It is too much for you.”
I stared at her for a while and then I grabbed automatically for her breasts which were closest to my face since she was leaning over the tub. She said, “Don't start that again,” and she laughed teasingly. But her whole body started to shiver and she looked very white. I tried to get up and was successful though I had a sudden attack of vertigo and had to hold on tightly to Rita. She must have misunderstood my motive, because she cried out, “Do you really trust yourself to do it once more?” She also grabbed for my member. I tried to avoid her hand. Disappointed, she said, “You must go now, my boy. Are you sure you feel well enough?”
During all that time I had not said a word, but now I asked for my clothes. They had been left in the bedroom and thus we went in there. Suddenly I looked into the large mirror which was standing between the two high windows on each side of it, a red light spreading a warm glow. I saw Rita and myself, completely nude, in the clear glass. Of course, I had seen the two of us in the nude quite frequently, as a matter of fact we never wore anything when we were together. But this time it seemed to me something incredibly enchanting.
As if in a dream I turned away from the mirror toward the nude woman. What a beautiful back, the fabulous white roundness of her behind, the finely modeled, slightly rounded belly, those gorgeous legs, and above all … those breasts! I just stared and Rita would not have been a woman if she had not considered my uninterrupted stare as a nice compliment. But all I did was look and I had no intention of taking possession of her once more. But suddenly she became excited and exclaimed thickly, “I can't stand it any longer!”