"They abduct animals too?"
"You've heard about cattle mutilations, right?"
"Sure, but—"
Carmack nodded sagely. "The grays."
"But why?"
"They're an ancient race, and apparently they need to borrow some human DNA—just a little—to rejuvenate their own damaged genes. That's where MJ-12 comes in. Back in 1952 an ultra-secret government within the U.S. government called Majestic-12 was set up to deal with the aliens. MJ-12 has been keeping all evidence of the aliens under wraps. Thus the ongoing cover-up of the Roswell crash."
They paused as the waitress delivered their platters. Eggs for Zaleski and Lew, waffles for Carmack, a stack of buttermilk pancakes for Jack.
"I'd think contact with another race would be the biggest, greatest story of all time," Jack said as he drowned his cakes in syrup.
"It would be…except for the part about the approaching Reptoids. Think of the panic that would cause. And then if news of government-sanctioned alien abductions ever got out…we'd have riots in the streets."
Jack shook his head in disbelief. "You mean this has been going on for over half a century and nobody's blown the whistle?"
Zaleski jumped in. "Very few people know—even presidents are kept in the dark. JFK found out, however, and he was going to go public with what he knew. That's why he was offed. Unfortunately he told his brother, who then told Marilyn Monroe while he was boffing her, so the two of them had to go as well."
"But you guys know," Jack said. Or at least think you know. "How come you're still walking around?"
"Because we're nobodies," Carmack said. "And nobody's listening to us…at least nobody that really matters."
Zaleski pounded his fist on the table. "The Freedom of fucking Information Act revealed that every government agency—from the NS A to the Department of Education—has files on UFOs. Thousands of pages on something that officially doesn't exist. But people still don't believe." His voice rose as he pounded his fist again. "When are they going to wise up? We're a country of Pollyannas! DickheadNation!"
People at surrounding tables were craning their necks to see what was going on. He overheard someone mutter, "Uh-oh, Jimmy Z's at it again."
"Easy, Jim," Carmack said. "You don't want to have one of your hissy fits."
"The hell I don't." He turned to Jack. "Tony's only telling you part of the story. He—"
"Shoot," Carmack said. "You ain't gonna lay that Grand Deception cowflop on him are you?"
"Damn right. You had your turn, now I'll have mine. Okay?"
Carmack leaned back with a disgusted expression and nibbled a piece of toast.
"In my opinion, and I'm not alone in this," Zaleski said, "there are no Reptoids coming to Earth. That's all a big lie cooked up by the grays to gain our confidence and pursue their real agenda: crossbreeding with us and taking over the Earth."
"Now hold on a sec," Jack said. "I'm no biologist, but I've never heard of a goat crossbreeding with a cow, and I know cats don't crossbreed with dogs, so how can aliens from light years away crossbreed with us?"
"I don't pretend to know how, but they're doing it. You wouldn't believe some of the aborted fetuses I've seen: big heads, grayish skin, big black eyes. It's happening. Maybe it's advanced science, maybe there's a common human-gray ancestor somewhere. Maybe that's what Melanie's Grand Unification was about. Maybe her Grand Unification Theory will prove my Grand Deception Theory."
Lew seemed to perk up at the mention of Melanie's name, but then lapsed into Neverland again. His barely touched eggs were congealing on his plate.
"But the grays have got something else up their sleeves," Zaleski said. "They're inserting tiny probes into the brains of abductees for—"
Carmack threw down his fork with a clatter. "Hog-wash!"
"No, Tony," Zaleski said with forced patience. "It's fucking true. You just won't see it. You think they're these goody-goody Munchkin allies. Sorry, bro, they're not. They've been controlling MJ-12 since 1984 and the rate of abductions has skyrocketed. And they've started implanting probes to monitor and program abductees after they're released."
"They're not, dammit. They're on our side!"
Zaleski put a finger up his nose and leaned toward Carmack. "Probes, Tony." He wiggled the finger. "Right up the nose and into the fucking brain."
"That's it," Carmack said, rising. He pulled ten bucks from a pocket and tossed it onto the table. "I'm outta here." He pointed to Jack. "And you'll leave too, if you're smart."
He turned and stomped toward the exit.
Zaleski called after him: "You just don't want to believe about the probes because your honker's so big you've probably got a couple dozen up there already!"
Carmack never looked back.
Zaleski grinned. Not a nice sight—his already thin upper lip disappeared completely. "I love that fucker."
"I can tell," Jack said.
"No, really. We're good friends, it's just that he strays too far from mainstream ufology."
Now there, Jack thought, is an oxymoron to conjure with.
"But in all seriousness," Zaleski said, tapping his forehead, "you oughta think about getting a skull X ray to see if you've got a fucking alien probe in the ol' noggin."
"You really think so?" Jack said, putting on a concerned expression.
Which should I check for first? he wondered. The 666 chip or the alien brain probe?
"Definitely. The aliens have been using the probes to program abductees about some momentous event that will occur in the next few years."
"Like what?"
"Don't know. They've got a secret plan. That's another reason I'm anxious to hear Melanie's Grand Unification Theory. Maybe she'll shed some light on what the grays are up to." He stretched. "In the meantime, I gotta go take a dump. Don't wander off. We ain't finished yet."
He slid out and headed for the men's room.
"Classy guy," Jack said.
Lew didn't answer. His gaze was focused on a toddler who'd wandered over from a neighboring table. Jack watched Lew as he crossed his eyes and made goofy faces; the little girl loved it, grinniag and squealing with delight. They went on and on, Lew never seeming to tire of performing for her.
Finally the mother came over and pulled her away. "Let the man eat in peace," she said.
"No bother," Lew said softly. "No bother at all."
Jack saw a look a desperate longing in his eyes as the child was reinstalled in her highchair.
"You really should have kids, Lew. You're good with them."
Lew shook his head. "Mel never wanted any. She had her reasons…good ones, I suppose."
"Like what?"
"She was terrified they'd be deformed. Still, I wished we'd tried."
Deformed? Jack thought. Was he referring to his short leg? Was that a birth defect?
He was debating whether to press for details when he spotted Evelyn heading their way. The program chairwoman was dressed in yellow today and still a dead ringer for Little Lotta.
"I'm looking for Olive?" she said. "Have either of you seen her?"
Jack and Lew shook their heads.
"I saw her at the reception last night," Lew said.
Evelyn nodded. "So did I? But she didn't show up for her panel? The one she was supposed to moderate this morning? And she's not in her room?"
Lew frowned. "That's not like her."
Jack checked his pocket program: a panel about angels. From his one encounter with Olive he didn't see how she'd miss something like that…unless something was big-time wrong.