Cordle To Onion To Carrot
by Robert Sheckley
Surely, you remember that bully who kicked sand on the 97-pound-weakling? Well, that puny man's problem has never been solved, despite Charles Atlas's claims to the contrary. A genuine bully likes to kick sand on people; for him, simply, there is gut-deep satisfaction in a put-down. It wouldn't matter if you weighed 240 pounds — all of it rock-hard muscle and steely sinew — and were as wise as Solomon or as witty as Voltaire; you'd still end up with the sand of an insult in your eyes, and probably you wouldn't do anything about it.
That was how Howard Cordle viewed the situation. He was a pleasant man who was forever being pushed around by Fuller Brush men, fund solicitors, headwaiters, and other imposing figures of authority. Cordle hated it. He suffered in silence the countless numbers of manic-aggressives who shoved their way to the heads of lines, took taxis he had hailed first and sneeringly steered away girls to whom he was talking at parties.
What made it worse was that these people seemed to welcome provocation, to go looking for it, all for the sake of causing discomfort to others.
Cordle couldn't understand why this should be, until one midsummer's day, when he was driving through the northern regions of Spain while stoned out of his mind, the god Thoth-Hermes granted him original enlightenment by murmuring, "Uh, look, I groove with the problem, baby, but dig, we gotta put carrots in or it ain't no stew."
"Carrots?" said Cordle, struggling for illumination.
"I'm talking about those types who get you uptight," Thoth-Hermes explained. "They gotta act that way, baby, on account of they're carrots, and that's how carrots are."
"If they are carrots," Cordle said, feeling his way, "then I —"
"You, of course, are a little pearly-white onion."
"Yes! My God, yes!" Cordle cried, dazzled by the blinding light of satori.
"And, naturally, you and all the other pearly-white onions think that carrots are just bad news, merely some kind of misshapen orangey onion; whereas the carrots look at you and rap about freaky round white carrots, wow! I mean, you're just too much for each other, whereas, in actuality —"
"Yes, go on!" cried Cordle.
"In actuality," Thoth-Hermes declared, "everything's got a place in The Stew!"
"Of course! I see, I see, I see!"
"And that means that everybody who exists is necessary, and you must have long hateful orange carrots if you're also going to have nice pleasant decent white onions, or vice versa, because without all the ingredients, it isn't a Stew, which is to say, life, it becomes, uh, let me see…."
"A soup!" cried ecstatic Cordle.
"You're coming in five by five," chanted Thoth-Hermes. "Lay down the word, deacon, and let the people know the divine formula…."
"A soup!" said Cordle. "Yes, I see it now — creamy, pure-white onion soup is our dream of heaven, whereas fiery orange carrot broth is our notion of hell. It fits, it all fits together!"
"Om manipadme hum," intoned Thoth-Hermes.
"But where do the green peas go? What about the meat, for God's sake?"
"Don't pick at the metaphor," Thoth-Hermes advised him, "it leaves a nasty scab. Stick with the carrots and onions. And, here, let me offer you a drink — a house specialty."
"But the spices, where do you put the spices?" Cordle demanded, taking a long swig of burgundy-colored liquid from a rusted canteen.
"Baby, you're asking questions that can be revealed only to a thirteenth-degree Mason with piles, wearing sandals. Sorry about that. Just remember that everything goes into The Stew."
"Into The Stew," Cordle repeated, smacking his lips.
"And, especially, stick with the carrots and onions; you were really grooving there."
"Carrots and onions," Cordle repeated.
"That's your trip," Thoth-Hermes said. "Hey, we've gotten to Corunna; you can let me out anywhere around here."
Cordle pulled his rented car off the road. Thoth-Hermes took his knapsack from the back seat and got out.
"Thanks for the lift, baby."
"My pleasure. Thank you for the wine. What kind did you say it was?"
"Vino de casa mixed with a mere smidgen of old Dr. Hammerfinger's essence of instant powdered Power-Pack brand acid. Brewed by gnurrs in the secret laboratories of UCLA in preparation for the big all-Europe turn-on."
"Whatever it was, it surely was," Cordle said deeply. "Pure elixir to me. You could sell neckties to antelopes with that stuff; you could change the world from an oblate spheroid into a truncated trapezoid…. What did I say?"
"Never mind, it's all part of your trip. Maybe you better lie down for a while, huh?"
"Where gods command, mere mortals must obey," Cordle said iambically. He lay down on the front seat of the car. Thoth-Hermes bent over him, his beard burnished gold, his head wreathed in plane trees.
"You okay?"
"Never better in my life."
"Want me to stand by?"
"Unnecessary. You have helped me beyond potentiality."
"Glad to hear it, baby, you're making a fine sound. You really are okay? Well, then, ta."
Thoth-Hermes marched off into the sunset. Cordle closed his eyes and solved various problems that had perplexed the greatest philosophers of all ages. He was mildly surprised at how simple complexity was.
At last he went to sleep. He awoke some six hours later. He had forgotten most of his brilliant insights, the lucid solutions. It was inconceivable: How can one misplace the keys of the universe? But he had, and there seemed no hope of reclaiming them. Paradise was lost for good.
He did remember about the onions and carrots, though, and he remembered The Stew. It was not the sort of insight he might have chosen if he'd had any choice; but this was what had come to him, and he did not reject it. Cordle knew, perhaps instinctively, that in the insight game, you take whatever you can get.
The next day, he reached Santander in a driving rain. He decided to write amusing letters to all his friends, perhaps even try his hand at a travel sketch. That required a typewriter. The conserje at his hotel directed him to a store that rented typewriters. He went there and found a clerk who spoke perfect English.
"Do you rent typewriters by the day?" Cordle asked.
"Why not?" the clerk replied. He had oily black hair and a thin aristocratic nose.
"How much for that one?" Cordle asked, indicating a thirty-year-old Erika portable.
"Seventy pesetas a day, which is to say, one dollar. Usually."
"Isn't this usually?"
"Certainly not, since you are a foreigner in transit. For you, once hundred and eighty pesetas a day."
"All right," Cordle said, reaching for his wallet. "I'd like to have it for two days."
"I shall also require your passport and a deposit of fifty dollars."
Cordle attempted a mild joke. "Hey, I just want to type on it, not marry it."
The clerk shrugged.
"Look, the conserje has my passport at the hotel. How about taking my driver's license instead?"
"Certainly not. I must hold your passport, in case you decide to default."
"But why do you need my passport and the deposit?" Cordle asked, feeling bullied and ill at ease. "I mean, look, the machine's not worth twenty dollars."
"You are an expert, perhaps, in the Spanish market value of used German typewriters?"