BOBBY’S FATHER You’ve got to have some theories.
BOBBY Where’s Gwen?
BOBBY’S FATHER Caracas. Uzbekistan. Kathmandu. I told you. I don’t know.
BOBBY So maybe it’s with her.
BOBBY’S FATHER No.
BOBBY Why not?
BOBBY’S FATHER You told me.
BOBBY I did? What I tell you?
BOBBY’S FATHER You called me from the hospital parking lot.
BOBBY I did? The hospital? No shit?
BOBBY’S FATHER Dumb fucking move if ever there was one, her dropping you there.
BOBBY I seem to remember I was bleeding all over the place by that point, starting to talk all funny.
BOBBY’S FATHER Oh, sure, you remember that.
BOBBY So what’d I say when I called you?
BOBBY’S FATHER You fucking with me?
BOBBY Perish the thought.
BOBBY’S FATHER Are you?
BOBBY Just asking what I said.
BOBBY’S FATHER You said, “I hid it somewhere safe. No one knows where but me.”
BOBBY I said all that? Wow. What else I say?
BOBBY’S FATHER Nothing. Cops had pulled up by that point, were calling you motherfucker, telling you to drop the fucking phone and get on the fucking ground you fucking motherfucker. You hung up.
BOBBY Cops do love saying “fuck.” So I guess Gwen doesn’t have it.
BOBBY’S FATHER No, she doesn’t.
BOBBY Huh. Well, let’s hope something jars my memory.
BOBBY’S FATHER Yeah, let’s.
The DOCTOR sits alone in the booth. The table is littered with empty glasses. The WAITRESS approaches.
WAITRESS Let me get some of those out of your way, honey.
DOCTOR Thanks.
WAITRESS You guys want another?
DOCTOR Sure. Why not?
[The WAITRESS leaves as the PATIENT returns from the bathroom. She sits, looks across at him. They both laugh.]
PATIENT What?
DOCTOR What, what?
PATIENT You’re lit.
DOCTOR I am.
PATIENT How unseemly of you.
DOCTOR I hate those “un” words that have no correlative.
PATIENT Big-word breakfast this morning?
DOCTOR You know what I mean. You hear of someone being un-seemly, but never seemly. No one says “His behavior was impeccably seemly.” Or did you ever hear of someone being “kempt”? No really. You’re always un-kempt. I’d like to be there, alive and ticking, the day someone says “This is Ted. He’s kind to his mother, has perfect dental, drives an Audi, and is astonishingly kempt.”
PATIENT Wow. You are so lit.
DOCTOR I am. It’s pleasant.
[WAITRESS returns with their drinks. She leaves.]
PATIENT Bit of a slippery slope we’re on, Doctor, don’t you think?
DOCTOR What do you mean?
PATIENT Weren’t you the one who advised me against being coy? Who’s coy now?
DOCTOR Madam, I object to the imputation. I am not being coy, I am being drunk. And if the slippery slope to which you refer has an end point of illicit sexual congress, I can assure you that the liquor has made that far more of a moot point than a likely occurrence.
PATIENT You’re too drunk to get it up.
DOCTOR Precisely.
PATIENT Who’s going to need a cab now?
DOCTOR Cheers.
PATIENT But won’t the missus wonder where the car is in the morning? And why that car was left outside a honky-tonk in the unincorporated part of the county?
DOCTOR Let’s leave her out of this.
PATIENT You leave her out of a lot, I’d bet. Is she pretty?
DOCTOR Yes.
PATIENT Smart?
DOCTOR Very.
PATIENT Don’t-drink-don’t-smoke-what-do-you-do kinda gal?
DOCTOR I’m not trying to make it bad.
PATIENT You’re not trying to make it bad?
DOCTOR I’m trying to make it good. I am.
PATIENT Meeting me in a bar so you can fuck me, that’s trying to make it good?
DOCTOR I’m not trying to fuck you.
PATIENT Yes, you are.
DOCTOR No, I’m not.
PATIENT Yes, you are.
DOCTOR No, I’m—
PATIENT This isn’t your office. This isn’t therapy. This is you trying to tap my ass in a fucking bar.
DOCTOR No, no. I removed that from the table. You remember? I did. I said I was too drunk. I did.
PATIENT Then why are you here?
DOCTOR Because you called me.
PATIENT So?
DOCTOR So?
PATIENT So?
DOCTOR Grace, I—
PATIENT My name’s not Grace.
DOCTOR Your name’s not…?
PATIENT My name’s not Grace. Close, but no Ci-Grace.
BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER settle into a booth.
BOBBY’S FATHER Well, that was utterly fucking fruitless.
BOBBY I got some glue.
BOBBY’S FATHER Gives me such a warm feeling inside. Where is it?
BOBBY Right here.
[BOBBY produces a tube of Krazy Glue. He applies some to the ashtray, then affixes a coin to it.]
BOBBY’S FATHER No, I meant—
BOBBY Shit’s amazing. You could glue a monkey’s ass to a guy’s head and it would never come off. The guy’s stuck with it, the monkey shitting all over his head, and he’d have to feed it, I guess, but that monkey’s just banging away on the guy’s face and the guy can’t do a fucking thing short of scalping himself or that monkey’s there for life.
BOBBY’S FATHER Fuck the glue. Where is it?
BOBBY Beats me.
BOBBY’S FATHER The memory, right.
BOBBY It’s a tricky thing.
BOBBY’S FATHER Sure, sure. Common problem — people misplacing a three-million-dollar diamond.
BOBBY You misplaced a wife.
BOBBY’S FATHER She misplaced me. Then she died.
BOBBY The two events entirely unrelated I’m sure.
[BOBBY’S FATHER reaches out and grips BOBBY’S ear.]
BOBBY’S FATHER We’re not going to have this conversation again. Hear? Now where’s the fucking diamond?
[Beat.]
You think blood’ll save you?
BOBBY Who’s it ever saved?
BOBBY’S FATHER Oh, well, now… a lot of shitty princes, a few useless princesses would have been ass-fucked and toothless ’fore they were twelve else-wise.
BOBBY Outside of royalty. Who’s it ever saved, Daddy? You?
BOBBY’S FATHER Your ear’s getting all sweaty.
BOBBY Give it back.
BOBBY’S FATHER But it’s mine.
BOBBY We’ll call it a loan.
[BOBBY’S FATHER smiles, lets go of his ear.]
DOCTOR and PATIENT.
DOCTOR You lied to me.
PATIENT You fucked me.
DOCTOR We fucked. Let’s be plain. Okay? Let’s be plain. We fucked. Once. A mistake I’ve admitted to repeatedly. I then referred you to another psychiatrist who specializes in the very same.
PATIENT The very same.
DOCTOR Patients who have developed sexual and/or emotional attachments to their therapists.
PATIENT And/or?
DOCTOR Look — Grace or no Grace — we fucked.
PATIENT Let’s be plain — you fucked me.
DOCTOR We fucked.
PATIENT You fucked me.
DOCTOR We fucked.
PATIENT I know you are, but what am I?
DOCTOR I—
PATIENT What?
DOCTOR I—
PATIENT What?
DOCTOR You shouldn’t have told me you abetted in a murder, Grace.
PATIENT That’s your out? You slid your dick up and down and up and down and up—
DOCTOR I know, I know.