I held my little caterwauling cutie, and bounced her in my arms out of habit more than hope. I desperately needed it to be nap time. She was tired, for sure. She hadn’t slept any better than I had. But she was still going strong.
Desperation won out and I laid my little noisemaker in her crib. She pulled herself to her feet and stared me down balefully. Abigail could always make herself clear, even though she had no words yet. Just what the hell do you think you’re doing, mommy?
I scanned the room, looking for her pacifier. It wasn’t on the changing table, where I always leave it. A spider of panic stretched its legs through my belly.
As if sensing my distress, Abbie screamed a little louder and grabbed my finger.
“Oh, sweetie. Give mommy two minutes. Please.”
I pulled loose from her desperate grip and scuttled out to the phone, dialing Bradley’s number as I hurried back to Abbie’s room.
“Charles Electronics, Richelle speaking.”
“Hi, Richelle, it’s Teresa. Can I please speak to Bradley, please?”
“Sorry? I can barely hear you. Is that a fire engine?”
“No, it’s the latest club mix. All the kids are getting down to it. Can I please speak to Bradley?”
Richelle sighed and muttered something I wouldn’t have heard even without Abbie’s noise. I almost wet myself with relief when I heard Bradley’s voice.
“Charles Electronics, Bradley- woah. My little girl’s really got a head of steam going, huh?”
“So’s your big girl. I need to know where you put her pacifier.”
“In the trash.”
“What?”
“She killed it. You know we can’t use it once it’s torn.”
“Oh, fu-…uh, phooey. That was the last one.”
“I’ll get out at lunch and pick up some more.”
“And a quart of tequila.”
“Done.”
I closed Abbie’s door, just to get a tiny break from the wall of noise. “Bradley, I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”
“Oh, Tez.”
“I don’t mean just this morning. I mean…” I was scared to finish that sentence.
“How long’s she been going?”
“Since just after you left. You must’ve woken her.”
“Well, there’s no way I’m going to work without saying goodbye to my baby.”
“Maybe next time, you should take her with you.”
As if she could sense her missing daddy on the phone, Abbie started squawking like I was murdering her. Even with the door closed I had no hope of hearing Bradley.
“Babe, I’ll have to call you back. When my headache goes to sleep.”
I hung up without waiting for a reply. Times like this I wish I’d taken him up on his offer to stay home, and let me go back to work.
Abbie kept squealing, each note of pain shriller than the last. I slapped my hands over my ears and squealed back at her, which made me feel better in a very childish way. Of course, all Abbie heard was a challenge to her position as head screamer, and cranked it up another notch.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” I usually avoided swearing around her, but I reveled in the fact that, for a few more months at least, I still could.
I slapped Abbie’s door a couple of times. “Cry it out, sweetie.” So far, Abbie had won every battle, but maybe this time…maybe.
My own tantrum in full swing, I stormed off to take a hot shower.
The white noise of hot water cascading over me was more beautiful than a symphony. Just because of what it was blocking. It was rare for me to shower this late in the morning. Usually I squeeze in a quick one between when Bradley wakes and when he leaves for work. Not today.
It suddenly occurred to me that since I was committed to leaving Abbie alone until she dropped off to sleep, I didn’t need to just hose myself down and then run. I could take my time. Then the memory of Bradley’s hand on my hip lit a tiny fuse inside me that I’d almost forgotten was there.
I decided to skip the bar of soap, opting instead for the gel. I didn’t want anything getting between my fingers and my skin.
Just resting my hands against my breasts felt like an indulgence. Treating my body like more than just a feeding, carrying, caring machine — like it was okay to receive as well as give — was absolutely luxurious.
I bit my lip as my fingers dripped southwards, slow as molasses, and warm as regurgitated breast milk.
“Dammit!” I couldn’t even last two minutes before being a mommy interrupted me. I pushed my head back under the stream of hot water, trying to wash out any maternal thoughts so I could focus on sexy ones. God, it’d been so long. I had to mix fantasy with memory. The gush of Bradley’s breath against the back of my neck. His palm on my skin, his teeth in my shoulder. The push of his cock against my ass.
I pressed my clit, sending out a thrill that pulsed through my body like a shockwave. An intense jolt of pleasure that my heart knew was perfect, even as my brain tried to tell me that mommies don’t do this kind of thing.
With Bradley’s cock still on my mind, I plunged two fingers inside myself and explored. I’d never been afraid of my own body before, but now this felt more like a sin than ever. As if I believed my own mother’s crap about childbirth being a miracle, and motherhood being somehow holy. Like I always told her: people have been making babies a whole lot longer than they’ve been making religions.
The pleasure of playing like this was remarkable. It was a little like visiting an old friend…in a new house. So much was still the same, but giving birth had clearly…performed some renovations.
I figured that, while this was a little selfish luxury, I still had so much to do today. With a few trips around my little nub, I worked myself into a sweet climax that relieved the tension a bit. Okay, so it wasn’t like the earth-shattering ones I got with Bradley, but at least it was something.
I shut off the water and listened. Fuck. Even over the exhaust fan I could hear she was still screaming. I leaned my head out the bathroom door to check the time. Just gone ten. I hadn’t been very long in there, but to come out and hear Abbie still going made me feel like the biggest heel ever.
I grabbed my towel and pawed at my hair, ready to make a nude wet dash to Abbie’s side, when…she stopped. A gurgle. A giggle. I froze in place. Had someone switched babies on me?
And then something else. Maybe a voice? The fan was loud enough that I couldn’t make it out. Still naked, I sprinted up to her doorway, fingers curled ready to scratch eyes out. And ran straight into the broad, dress-shirt draped back of my husband.
“Bradley? What are you…?”
He turned to face me, his gaze dripping over my body far slower than the water had.
“Hey, Tez. You sounded so strung out on the phone. So I took the rest of the day off.” He pushed my wet hair back from my forehead. “How come you don’t welcome me like this every day?”
I felt like sinking into his touch, but then remembered the stretch marks on my Buddha belly, the cellulite on my ass and thighs, and I whipped the towel over myself.
“Richelle’s not gonna be happy.”
“That’s when she’s happiest.”
“Seriously, though, babe. We can’t afford you to miss work. Or get fired.”
“It’s all cool, Tez. I told her: if she fires me, I’ll quit.”
“Strong argument.”
He kissed my forehead and my knees shuddered. “But really, Tez…it’s all cool. No, she’s not happy, but she could see it on my face how important it was for me to go. Even if she thinks parents are idiots for bringing this on themselves.”
“How can someone have such a dislike for kids?”
“She’s barely stopped being one. But it’s okay.” He picked Abbie up, tickling a gorgeous giggle out of her belly as he did so. “I’m used to being ordered around by younger women.”
I almost melted as Abbie smacked at Bradley’s cheeks. An enormous grin split her face in two, her teething pain apparently reserved only for her lucky mommy. The connection between the two of them made me jealous, sometimes, but I still wouldn’t have it any other way.