Ruby told us we might need it. You never know. Then I put the pee bottle on Nathan’s lap and started pushing his wheelchair to the bathroom when she thought of something else. “Little Nathan, you need these too.” Then she pulled out a fresh pair of boxer shorts she kept in her purse. Nathan lowered his head.
I took the pair of boxers and put them in my back pocket. I tried to make a joke about it to make it less uncomfortable. “Shit, Nathan, you’re like a superhero. I need to start carrying around my own change of underwear.”
Nathan didn’t say anything and just held the pee bottle on his lap. We passed the other people who were sitting in their booths. They looked up from their greasy fish and watched us pass. They were staring at Nathan and his pee bottle. Nathan stared back and held his pee bottle. I tried making another joke, “Hey, Nathan. You ever drink beer out of that pee bottle before? If we get lost on the way back home we can use it as a canteen.”
But he didn’t laugh.
He needed to go to the bathroom.
So I stopped in front of the men’s bathroom and tried to open the door, but it was locked. SHIT. I told Nathan that someone must be inside. Nathan tapped his foot against the ground. He needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t stop talking, “You know it probably looks funny two guys going to the bathroom together. This is the kind of place where two guys going to the bathroom together could get their asses kicked.”
Nathan didn’t laugh. He tapped his foot and we waited. Then a Captain D’s employee said something. So I walked over to her and left Nathan in front of the door. She said, “That bathroom is out of order. You’re going to have to use the ladies’ room.”
I nodded my head and walked back to Nathan who had a new look on his face. It was a look that said, I need to use the bathroom. I need to use the bathroom. I need to use the bathroom.
I told Nathan we were going to have to use the ladies’ room. I started to move him towards the bathroom, but then I saw an old woman out of the corner of my eye. “Mam,” I said, but it was too late. She was already inside.
The door lock popped.
Pop.
Nathan lowered his head.
SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Just hold it a little while longer. Just a little while longer.”
I bent over and whispered into his ear. “It’s going to be even weirder now. Two guys going to the ladies’ room together.”
I rested my foot against the back of the wheelchair and we waited. “Just a little while longer,” I said.
We waited.
We waited.
The toilet flushed. The old woman came out.
“Oh I’m sorry,” the old woman said.
I smiled and nodded my head. Then I smelled. It was too late.
So I kept the door open with my foot and pushed him inside. I took the boxer shorts out of my back pocket and put them on the sink. Then I took off his Velcro tennis shoes and put them in the corner. I took his white tube socks off and put them in his Velcro tennis shoes. I looked at the bathroom wall. It had a box that said: “Sanitary napkin disposal bags.”
“Do you have any tampons or maxi pads that you need to throw away.” Nathan still wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t laughing at anything now.
I took his sweatpants off and looked at them. “It’s okay, Nathan. There’s nothing on them. We’re okay.”
Then I folded them and put them on the side of the sink too. I took out about thirty paper towels and I put about half of them beneath the faucet and made them wet. Then I turned to Nathan. He was looking away.
I said, “Do you think if I stand you up — you can lean against my shoulder?” Nathan moved his hand which meant yes. I took hold of his arms and picked him up. He leaned against my shoulder. A piece of crap fell out of the leg of his shorts and hit the ground. Nathan groaned. “It’s okay,” I said. I took one of the wet towels and picked it up and dropped it in the toilet. Then I took his boxer shorts and slid them down.
“Okay, lift your leg,” I said. I slipped them off.
He groaned.
I was sweating now.
Then he lifted his other foot and I slipped them off and threw the underwear away.
I felt Nathan getting wobbly, so I stood up.
He grunted ughhh. I threw my arms around him and held him up. He was breathing heavy. I was trying to keep him up, but he went down on his knees and then on his side. “Okay. Okay,” I said and tried to help him down. “I know it’s hard for you to stand like that.”
Ughhh, he grunted and pointed at the paper towels.
“I’m going as fast as I can,” I whispered. I took the white towels and I wiped him. Then I threw them in the trash. Then I took the dry towels and wiped him some more. I picked up his fresh pair of boxer shorts and put them on him. They were all bunched under his hip because of the cold floor. Then I took his sweatpants and socks and shoes and put them on too. I helped him sit back up. Then I turned to lift him. My arms were too tired.
Ughh, Nathan said.
I stood up and tried to catch my breath. “Okay, just give me a second.” Then I put my arms underneath his armpits and heaved him up into the wheelchair.
In the end I just stood there and caught my breath. I threw away the rest of the paper towels. I patted Nathan on the back, but his head bowed.
“You ready?”
I twisted his nose like I always did, but he didn’t smile.
He took his finger and pointed it to himself and then pointed it to me.
“What did you say?”
So he took his finger again and pointed it at himself and pulled the trigger.
I knew what he was saying.
“You’re wanting me to shoot you?” I said.
He nodded his head yes.
He was wanting me to shoot him.
I giggled but then I stopped.
He wasn’t joking.
So I pushed him out of the bathroom.
His eyes were saying, You should be staring at me. I’m beautiful.
His eyes were saying—Life is not short. Life is way way way way way way way way way way too long.
SO
I was over at Little Bill’s when the phone rang. It was my Uncle Stanley. He said they had to rush Nathan to the emergency room.
I borrowed Little Bill’s car and I drove all the way back through the dark mountains until I came to the interstate, and then I turned my high beams on and sped towards the hospital, thinking to myself, Please don’t let him die yet.
I flipped my high beams off because there was a tractor trailer passing in the other lane.
He passed, so I flipped them back on again and whispered, “Please don’t let him die until I get there.”
I wanted to see him die.
But he wasn’t dead yet. He was on the 3rd floor of Appalachian Regional Hospital and my Uncle Stanley was standing in the corner of his room. So I walked over to his bed and stood beside Stanley. Nathan was just there in the bed. His eyes were closed. There were tubes coming out of his nose and tubes coming out of his mouth. There was a shit smell in the room because the nurse had just changed his pants from where he shit himself. His breath was heavy. Every time he breathed—huh—it sounded like somebody was knocking the wind out of him—huh—every time he breathed.