But the poor bastard didn’t listen. When he got home and put it into the VCR, instead of a woman in her itty bitty bikini, taking it off, and showing him her stuff, it was just a bunch of women in a G-rated movie, singing songs, completely clothed, about washing men right out of their hair.
So SHIT! We went back to watching soap operas. We went back to watching the shows about women who were married and trapped by their psycho, maniac husbands.
He watched women having their children taken away by philandering husbands. The husbands made it look like the women went crazy and committed them to insane asylums.
But there was one woman in particular he was obsessed with. She was a woman who was the most beautiful woman on the show.
He even had a picture of her from TV Guide taped up on the paneling beside his bed in the hall.
I watched him during his nap and he used to stare at her for hours like she was the one he loved.
I sat at the table with him one day and he started pointing at the newspaper beneath his chair (Ruby always put newspapers down in case Nathan spilled something). He used to sit at the table and struggle to eat a spoonful of mashed up food, or drink from a bottle of 7UP. So now he struggled with the bottle and Ruby whispered: “Now Nathan don’t you get choked.”
So he drank and finally pointed again to the newspaper beneath his chair and giggled.
Then Ruby talked for him and told me what he was saying. “Old Nathan says he wants to get him a woman out of the personal ads.”
Nathan giggled.
I sat and laughed at him and said: “Oh god, Nathan. There’s no sense in you looking for a woman. These women are all liberated today from what I hear.”
Nathan laughed at me and wagged his finger around and around his head like we were all crazy.
“I know you don’t want a crazy one.”
Ruby said, “No, he’s looking for a crazy one.”
Then he held his arms out wide. He wanted a big fat crazy woman.
I said: “Yeah, Nathan, you’re gonna have a hard time finding you a woman who’s gonna feed you let alone give you a bath.”
Ruby said: “He don’t care, just as long as he gets him one without a ring on her finger.”
I said: “Well, Nathan, I’m sorry to tell you but there’s probably not too many out there looking for a 50-year-old man who still lives with his mother. They usually want a man who has his own place.”
Nathan giggled and pointed to his bedroom with a look on his face like—Oh I have a place of my own.
I wrote to one of them in the personal ads. We waited for weeks. We waited another week.
She never wrote back.
The next month Medicare gave him what he wanted though. Medicare sent over a home health nurse to help three days out of the week. Nathan had a look in his eyes that said, Thank god for fucking Medicare.
Her name was…
RHONDA
The first day she was there Rhonda walked by the table and Nathan smacked her on the butt.
Rhonda stopped and said: “Nathan you better keep your hands to yourself or I’m gonna tell your momma on you.”
And then Ruby laughed from her La-Z-Boy behind the table and said: “Yeah old Nathan, he likes the women.”
Then he smiled and laughed and threw his head back, circling his long skinny finger around and around his noggin which meant: You’re crazy. You’re crazy.
Then he pointed to the big ceramic hog on the table with the giant balls.
“What?” Rhonda said.
“Nathan says his man parts are like that hog,” I told her.
He tried smacking her on the butt again. So Rhonda twisted Nathan’s ear and went to put in a load of laundry. Then she did the next chore Ruby had lined up for her.
Over the next couple of years she started doing all kinds of things.
She cooked the dinner.
She washed the dishes.
She cleaned off all of Ruby’s knick knacks.
She made the beds.
She ran the sweeper.
She moved the knick knacks so Ruby could see ’em better.
She ran the sweeper.
She picked up the medicine over in Rainelle.
She stopped at Rogers’ grocery for Nathan’s bananas.
She came back and cooked supper.
She washed the dishes.
She cleaned the bathroom.
She pushed Nathan in front of the television.
She put him to bed.
She listened to me tell her how I wanted to go away. I wanted to go away to school. I wanted to be a famous writer.
But Rhonda was really there because of Nathan’s feeding tube. It was just a peg tube sticking out of his stomach and it was all pusy and nasty and sick-looking. It stunk too because you could smell the inside of his stomach. One time I was watching her feed him. He pointed down at the tube and complained about how it was stinking. Rhonda sat there getting ready to pour Nathan’s Ensure into the feeding tube.
She was feeding him strawberry bubblegum Ensure and so she held the feeding tube and joked with him. “Boy, Nathan, this Ensure doesn’t smell too bad.”
Then she opened the Ensure and took a swig.
Nathan laughed and wiggled his finger around and around his head, before pointing at her: You’re crazy. You’re crazy.
Then he pointed at his feeding tube and held up six fingers which meant he wanted a six-pack.
Rhonda laughed: “Oh gosh, Nathan — I’m not going to get you a six-pack. You’re about as bad as that man of mine.”
Then Rhonda started talking to him. She poured the Ensure in the tube and the tube sucked it down. The old tube gurgled gurgled and gargled and gurgled it all down.
After they were done Nathan touched Rhonda’s leg and then he held Rhonda’s hand and listened to her talk.
“Yeah, Nathan, Sean’s been real mean here recently, drinking and hitting me.”
Nathan took his hand and threw it towards the door and this meant: Well kick his ass out.
He pointed to his foot which meant, I’ll kick his ass for you.
Rhonda smiled and said, “I know but where would I go?”
Nathan pointed to his bedroom.
Rhonda grinned and whispered, leaning forward: “And I could come in here and live with you? Is that what you’re saying?”
Nathan nodded his head.
I didn’t even think anything about it until a couple of months later when my Aunt Bernice came over and she was smoking her cigarettes.
She said: “Well I just hope everything works out all right.”
I was like, “What? What are you talking about?”
Aunt Bernice smoked her cigarette and then blew the cigarette smoke foooooo.
Then she said: “Well I think it is obvious. He’s in love with her. You can see it in his eyes. He’s in love with her.”
So I started paying closer attention. I realized it a couple of weeks later. I was sitting in the living room with Nathan, watching Walker, Texas Ranger and then Benny Hinn. Then Rhonda came in and said: “Okay, Nathan. It’s time to go to bed.”
Nathan shook his head and pointed to the clock for more time.
Rhonda said: “Oh no, you’re the one who said you needed to be on a schedule. So we’re gonna put you on a schedule. It’s 9:30 and you know what that means?”
She stood him up and took off his sweatpants.
Then Rhonda put Nathan in the bed and started to tuck him in. Nathan just lay there and giggled and then he reached out and tried to touch her breasts. Now instead of moving like she usually did, Rhonda just sat there. Nathan reached out some more and touched her breasts again.