Ben’s posture told me the conversation was done but when he waved to the bartender, signaling for the check, I knew things were final. I got up and excused myself for the bathroom. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts before facing him. My pink cheeks and splotchy chest were a dead giveaway of the emotions raging inside me. Half of me wanted to slap him; the other half wanted to throw myself into his arms and never let him go. It was still a question of which half would win.
19
Ben
Emmy’s pink flushed skin and accelerated pulse thrumming in her neck told me something about the ring excited her. And that fact roared through me. Did Emmy want my ring on her finger? Would she say yes if I asked? Would she throw herself into my arms? Believing there might be a chance to win her back made my heart kick up a notch. There was only one way to find out. And she was sitting here having a drink with me after all. Though she’d been on a date with some douche bag named Todd, she’d stayed with me. I was the one feeding her, making sure she’d get home safe and sound. Not that asshole. He didn’t care about her, didn’t love her like I did. She was my everything, my reason for breathing, for getting up in the morning, hoping she’d call. If she hadn’t wanted to see me, she would have left. Emmy wasn’t too shy to refuse me. I knew that by now. I wouldn’t go down without a fight.
I could only hope that she’d change her mind, understand that the mistakes of my past were done. If she’d just let me talk to her, explain, it might help. But I wasn’t about to discuss my sexual past with my mother sitting right next to us. I needed just one more chance with her and I had to make it a good one.
The thought consumed me and I knew I needed time to process. Struggling to keep my game face in place, I requested the check. I needed time to fucking think. Sort this mess out. Probably talk to Bray. And I sure as shit needed to talk to my mom. She should not have said what she did.
The three of us wandered from the restaurant and were waiting on the sidewalk for Henry to arrive when my mom excused herself to use the restroom one last time.
I turned to face Emmy, resisting the urge to pull her body into mine to shield her from the cold. “Will you give me a chance to explain?”
She shrugged. “I’ve given you lots of chances.”
“I know. And I need just one more opportunity.”
Emmy bit her lip, thinking it over. “I had to find out at the same time as the rest of the world about my boyfriend starring in an adult film. I hated that.”
“I fucked up. I know. I should have told you sooner, but honestly I’d forgotten all about that video. Hell, I didn’t even think it still existed.”
Her gaze wandered from mine and she blinked back tears. I wanted to go to her, to hold her, to comfort her, but I’d lost that right, so I stood there like a useless sack of crap, wishing things could be different.
“In the third grade I had a French tutor named Collette. I used to pretend I needed extra help on my spelling tests so she’d lean over my desk and I could look down her shirt.”
Her eyes snapped to mine. “What?”
“Yeah. And when I was fourteen, my mom brought me to the Lincoln Center for the BCBG Max Azria show. I snuck backstage and peeked around a barrier and watched the models undressing in between their exits.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because. I never want to hide anything from you ever again. I’ve done things I’m not proud of—things I’d prefer stay in the past. I won’t let anything interfere with our future, so I’ll tell you anything and everything you want to know.”
“Ben, you don’t have to do that. I just . . .”
“What Emmy? Tell me how to fix this.”
“I can’t. I don’t know. You broke my trust.”
I took her hand. “Let me build it back.”
“Ready, darling?” My mom appeared beside us after returning from the restroom.
Emmy’s hand went limp in mine. “Yes, I’m ready to go home.”
I hated leaving things this way—so unfinished. My jaw tightened as I opened the door and helped my mom and Emmy inside the waiting car.
Emmy was silent and contemplative on the ride to Queens and I feared it was because there was nothing more to say.
When she exited the car, watching her turn her back and walk away was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Shielding herself against the snow, Emmy jogged up the front steps to her building and out of my life.
“You want me to do what?” Porter asked.
“I need your help with Emmy. I wouldn’t have come to you if I didn’t need you. But I do, man.”
Porter scrubbed his hands over his face. “I came to New York. I’m here. And I appreciate the airline ticket and hotel room, but I don’t know about the rest. Emmy makes up her own mind. I’ll talk to her, but she’ll have to decide what she wants.”
At Braydon’s suggestion of asking Emmy’s father for her hand in marriage, I’d gone a step further. I’d flown her whole family to New York City—the first time for all three of them—and put them up in a suite at the Waldorf Astoria. It was a little over the top for my tastes—too ornate—but I knew they’d appreciate staying at a historic New York landmark. Porter and I were currently having a beer at a bar around the corner from the hotel. He and I had some lost ground to make up since he’d caught me and Emmy in the act on her parents’ couch over Thanksgiving.
I knew in addition to speaking with her father—man to man—that I needed to win over her brother, too. He and I weren’t exactly on speaking terms, and I couldn’t say I blamed him. I couldn’t imagine any scenario where he didn’t want to punch me in the jaw.
“I want you to know I love your sister. I’m not giving her up. I’m never letting her go, and I give you my word that she’ll always be loved and taken care of.” I met his eyes, sincerity in my voice. I didn’t care that I probably sounded like the world’s biggest pussy. I loved her with my whole being, and I’d do anything to get her back.
Porter swallowed a gulp of his beer and released a deep sigh.
Her dad was a piece of cake compared to Porter. When I’d taken him and Sue to lunch yesterday, he’d been unsure at first, saying it was up to Emmy, but he wouldn’t stand in the way of her happiness. After lunch, he’d shaken my hand, clapped me on the back, and said as long as I promised to love her and care for her the way she deserved, then the past was in the past and he’d happily give me his blessing to ask her. Porter on the other hand was less than forgiving. Whereas Emmy’s parents had hints only of my past indiscretions, Porter had come right out and asked me about the tape. I thought I’d dodged the bullet well, telling him it was a one-time mistake and I’d been told the video had been destroyed.
Porter’s eyes followed the backside of a passing waitress. “Are we done here?”
“Actually I was hoping you could help me arrange something else.”
His eyes flickered back to mine with interest.
20
Emmy
Pulling on a pair of cream-colored wool tights and a soft gray knit dress, I checked myself in the mirror one last time. I looked tired. My curled hair and mascaraed lashes couldn’t hide the fact that I was miserable without Ben. My skin was pale and my expression was sullen. Oh well. It would have to do.
Ellie had succeeded in talking me into meeting her for a Christmas Eve drink in Manhattan. She promised me it would be relaxed and low key and said that the little twinkling white lights and Christmas decorations would lift my spirits. Either that or the rum-spiked eggnog would.