I splashed water on my face and toweled it off. I didn’t even bother running a brush through my hair. Instead, I left the bathroom in search of coffee. But as I walked into the dining room I stopped cold in my tracks. Bridget was in the kitchen moving pancakes around a fry pan.
And sitting at the dining room table was Heath.
A creaky floorboard gave me away. Heath jumped up from the chair but stopped as if he was suddenly unsure of what to do. At least I wasn’t the only one who looked like crap. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all.
I wrapped my arms around my waist. “What are you doing here?”
Bridget turned off the cooker and set the pancakes aside. “I’m going for a shower. Give you guys some privacy.”
My eyes didn’t leave Heath as she disappeared from the room.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I said.
“I had to see you. I need to know you’re alright.” His voice was hoarse with fatigue.
I shook my head. “I’m not. But then, that’s to be expected.”
I knew I looked like a train wreck. Puffy eyes. Pale skin. I didn’t want him to see me like this. He needed to go.
“I need you to leave.”
His jaw flinched. “We need to talk, Harlow.”
I shook my head. “Not yet, Heath.” I closed my eyes. The idea of hearing the sordid details made me nauseous. “I’m not ready.”
He nodded. “Okay. I understand. But when?”
Again I shook my head. “I don’t know. I need time to process all of this.”
“Time is good,” he said, looking hopeful. “I can give you time. Anything you need. Just please … please tell me you’re not going to give up on me.” His voice broke and he exhaled deeply. His eyes filled with tears.
Seeing him punched a big hole in my chest. I was so in love with him.
Was.
Now I was numb.
“I’m not promising you anything.”
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I love you so much Harlow. More than I thought I was capable of.” He exhaled deeply. “God, baby I’m going crazy …”
“You need to leave.”
“Please,” he begged. “I know what I did hurt you. But it’s killed me.”
I crossed the room to the front door and opened it. “You can’t be here. Like I said, I need time.”
His face fell, his lashes casting a soft shadow across pale skin. He nodded slowly and crossed the room to leave but paused in the doorway. Pained blue eyes held mine. Dimples flickered either side of his mouth. He hadn’t shaved and he looked rough.
“This is the worst thing I have ever done. And it always will be. I will never do this again. I promise you.”
I saw the agony in his eyes. And across his face. I heard it in his voice. And I believed him. But it didn’t change anything. He had still cheated on me and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him.
My eyes fell to the floor. “Bye Heath.”
“I’m going to prove to you Harlow that I’m sorry. I’m going to show you how much I love you.”
I looked up. “You’ve shown me that already. When you had sex with someone else.”
My words hurt him but he didn’t defend himself. He just nodded. And then he was gone.
I closed the door behind me and slid to the floor. I couldn’t hold back the tide of emotion any longer. The dam wall broke and I finally began to cry.
At lunchtime a bouquet of flowers arrived with a note that simply read: You are everything to me.
As I lay catatonic and heartbroken on my bed I looked at the card and truly wished I could believe him.
* * * * *
And so it went on over the next few days. The text messages. The phone calls. The flowers.
“You should talk to him,” Bridget said after a ridiculously huge bouquet of roses and gerberas turned up at work.
It was my first shift back since the breakup. When the flowers arrived, I stopped the flower delivery girl from leaving, asked her to drop them at the hospital across town and slipped her a twenty for her efforts.
“Brutal,” Leo said with raised eyebrows.
Silently, I shot him a warning look as I tied my apron around my waist.
Thankfully it was a busy night. Fat Tony had a band playing, a young group popular with the college crowd. By 9:30 the place was crowded and I was rushed off my feet taking orders and dishing out beers.
I was standing at the bar waiting for Leo to pour a couple of beers when he turned up. I looked up to see him standing in front of me. He looked terrible.
“What are you doing here?”
“You won’t answer my texts or phone calls. I had to see you.”
“I’m working.”
“Can you take a break?”
“No. Look around, Heath. This place is packed.”
“Please, I need to talk to you, Harlow.”
“It’s okay Harlow, you go take a break.” Fat Tony appeared next to me. His eyes were gentle and wise as he nodded his head towards the door. “We got it covered for a while.”
When I hesitated he gestured again towards the door. Reluctantly, I removed my apron and followed Heath out to the parking lot.
We stood in the half-light.
“What do you want Heath?”
“I’m sorry Harlow. I had to see you. Baby I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t call me that,” I said interrupting him and folding my arms around my waist.
He nodded. He looked exhausted. Like he had no more fight left in him.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I know there is no excuse.” He looked pale and void of all the frenetic energy that was typical of him. “But I can’t keep going like this. I can’t lose you. I’m not coping without you –“
“That’s crazy Heath. If I was so fucking important, why did you fuck someone else?”
In the past couple of days my heartache had turned to a cold and ferocious anger. And this angry, hurt version of me wasn’t about to beat around the bush.
Heath shook his head and his eyes closed and opened, as if my words physically hurt him.
But his voice was calm.
“Since you came into my life, you have been the only thing I have been able to think about. I never thought I would fall in love like I did with you. I fell hard, Harlow. I fell so damn hard for you. You became everything to me, my every reason for breathing, every reason for living. But then when I saw you with Colton –”
He drew in a deep breath. “I’ve never known jealousy until I met him. I hated that you had loved him. Hated that he knew you before I did. Hated that you had so much history together. It was all new to me. I didn’t know how to cope with those feelings. And then, when I saw you together, I always knew you were too good for me and then when he kissed you and I thought you were kissing him back …” He groaned and looked desperate. “I’d never felt what I felt in that moment and it drove me insane.”
“Insane is fucking right.” I bit the inside of my mouth and tightened my arms around my waist.
“Please Harlow … this is killing me,” he begged softly. “I saw you with Colton and I didn’t know how to cope. I thought you didn’t want me anymore—”
“I told you that you could trust me. That you had nothing to worry about with Colton,” I snapped. “Yet when you see me with him you automatically think the worst. You’re always telling me to trust you. Yet the minute I need you to trust me, you go off and fuck some random girl in an airplane toilet cubicle.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” His eyes were suddenly bright with emotion. “Don’t you think I hate myself for not trusting you? Don’t you think I hate myself for all of this? For hurting you. For destroying us. God Harlow, don’t you think I know how much I let down the most important person in the world to me—” His voice broke and he exhaled deeply as he looked to the sky.
I couldn’t look at him. Because all I could see was him and that awful woman. My face felt stiff with hurt, my throat cold and tight.
“You need to leave me alone Heath. I need time to get over this.” I shook my head at my words. “If that’s even possible.”