“My life has been marred by regret, Harlow. I learned to accept it. But your mother—it changed her. She was once such a charismatic and witty woman. Fun. Light hearted. A real beauty.” He sighed and looked regretful. “But what we did that summer destroyed four lives. Of course it gave her and I three wonderful children. And for that alone I was able to find acceptance. But your mother never got past losing her one true love. And it turned her cold.”
He drained his glass and put it on the table and leaned closer to me. “Despite my acceptance of where life has led me, I can’t help but wonder.” He took my hand. “I don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t want her to always wander. Always regret. Wish she’d done things differently. Because it eats into your soul and changes you. Regret is a powerful thing Harlow. It can corrode the steeliest of wills.”
I frowned into my brandy. “I’m so confused. I miss him.” I looked up. ”My friends in California, and Bridget … they all fit me perfectly. But then, I’m afraid, because he broke my heart and if he did it again … I’m not sure I’d ever be able to get back up again.”
“We always get back up again, Harlow. It’s human nature.” A small smile played on his lips. “And you’re too stubborn—too much like your old man to not get back up again.”
“It’s hard to be without him.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because he broke my heart.”
He nodded. My own sea-green eyes looked back at me. Although they were much wiser.
“So you’ve made your decision?”
I nodded solemnly and looked away.
He sighed. “You’re as stubborn as you are beautiful.”
“No, I’m just not in the mood for being very forgiving.”
“I’m a smart man Harlow. It’s made me enormously rich. Do you know why? Because I am always careful to consider every roll of the dice before making my decision. And once I’ve made up my mind, I stand by it.
Are you prepared to stand behind your decision for the rest of your life?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
My daddy’s question rang in my ears long after he’d retired for the evening. I sat at the bay window of his study overlooking the mill pond. The moon was high and flooded the room with bright light. Tomorrow was the debutante ball. I would be pushed and pulled in all directions. Which was nothing new really, considering my heart and my head were in a constant tug of war.
I sighed, got up and left the study. As I climbed the grand staircase I was stopped by a noise coming from upstairs. I stood very still to listen. And I knew exactly what it was. Instead of heading towards my bedroom, I went to Harper’s room and crossed to the large open window on the far wall overlooking the creek.
“Busted,” I said to my ninja sister who was creeping up the lattice work outside the window. She was almost at the top.
“Hells bells!” she gasped. Then, realizing it was only me, hoisted herself over the windowsill and into the room. “Geez Harlow, you scared me half to death.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Relax.” She caught her breath. “I was with Cooper.”
Cooper was her boyfriend. This week, anyway. My rebellious sister wasn’t one for commitment.
I leaned against the windowsill and crossed both my arms and my legs.
“At least tell me you’re being safe.” There was no point reprimanding her or sneaking out. Lord knows I’d done it enough times with Colton.
Harper scoffed as she crossed the room to her bed and took off her boots. “Sure, I am. There’s no way in Hades I will fall in love with that boy. I mean Cooper is good lookin’ and all, but he’s not exactly bright. If he threw himself on the ground he’d miss.”
I raised my Scarlet O’Hara brow. “I didn’t mean be safe with your heart. I meant safe sex.” God, when did I turn into a parent?
Harper swung around. “With Cooper?” She shimmied out of her jeans and top, leaving her standing with her hands on her hips in only her underwear. Modesty wasn’t Harper’s strong point. “If you think I’m givin’ anything away to a guy like Cooper Stone, then you’re crazier than what Mama says.”
Again, another raised brow. “Mama thinks I’m crazy?”
“Like a road runnin’ lizard.” She pulled an oversized t-shirt over her head and then sat on the edge of her bed, pulling her long hair over her shoulder to plait it. I sat down next to her.
“Yeah, well if I’m crazy it’s because of all this debutante bullshit. It’s like I came back from California and rode straight into crazy town.”
“Mama says you don’t enjoy it because you’re too damn stubborn to even try.”
“Crazy and stubborn. Boy, Mama was on a roll.”
She paused with her plait. “Do you miss California?”
Boom. There was that ache again. Every time I thought about it, which let’s face it was all the time, the crater in my chest got bigger.
I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
Harper knew about Heath. Well, not everything. But she knew I had met someone and that I’d left them behind. Clearly she suspected things, but rehashing them with her would only make it harder for me to move on. Heath didn’t exist in this house. And it would make it easier to get over him if that’s the way it stayed.
“Have you thought of going back?”
I nodded and then sighed. “Every day.”
“Well, I think it’s crazy you even came back. When I turn eighteen, I’m out of here. No way Mama is going to put me through all this debutante malarkey. I’ll run away before I let that happen.”
“She’ll find you.”
“Maybe. But she’ll have to haul me back by the bra strap because I won’t come home willingly.” She thought for a minute. “If you go back to California, can I have your room?”
“I’m not going back to California.”
“Pity. Your room is so much better than mine.”
“That’s because our parents like me better.”
She grinned and nudged me with her shoulder. But her smile faded.
“Why did you come back here? You’re miserable.”
“No, I’m not.”
She scoffed. “Harlow, you look like you’ve been rode hard and hung out to dry.”
“I do not,” I protested. Did I? I mean, was I that bad? I frowned. “What do you know anyway, you’re only sixteen?”
Now she raised her eyebrow.
“I’m sixteen; not blind.” She climbed into bed and pulled up the blankets. “If I were you I’d catch the first flight out of here heading west.”
“And if I were you, I’d make the most of being sixteen and not having to worry about your debutante ball for another two years.” I grinned and stood up, leaning over her to kiss her on the forehead. “Good night, sister.”
She smiled up at me from her pillow. “One day I’m going to California and I’m never coming back.”
“Then I only hope California will be ready.”
In the quiet of my own room I sat at the large window and leaned against the sill. It had been a particularly tiresome week of last minute dress fittings, dance classes and gala rehearsals. I knew I should get some rest. But I hated closing my eyes. Because when I did, I saw him and my chest would ache from the great big fucking hole where my heart used to be.
I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them. The moon was large and bright. It cast a silvery glow across the immaculate lawns and gardens and its reflection shimmered in the duck pond. I exhaled deeply. I had never felt so alone or as broken hearted as I did tonight. I missed Heath. And I knew it had nothing to do with the nostalgic moonlight, and everything to do with the fact that I was still terribly in love with him.
* * * * *
It was the day of the deb ball and the day’s events passed by me like I was watching them from a car window. My mother had a professional makeup and hair styling team work on me while I stared sightlessly at my reflection in the mirror. It took an exhausting two hours and by the end of it I was ready to threaten anyone with pain if they came near me with one more bobby pin.