A light tap comes on the classroom window, a gesture of spread hands that he is finished, and I take the children in. Two of the boys have been set apart, with their school-bags.
‘I’m driving John and Jim to their houses. We’ll talk over everything with their parents.’
‘I hope it’ll be all right.’
‘We’ll see that everything is made clear. Thank you for your help.’
After the shaking of hands I turn to the board but I do not want to teach.
‘Open your English books and copy page forty-one in your best handwriting.’
I stand at the window while the nibs scrape. Certainly nothing I’ve ever done resembles so closely the shape of my life as my leaving of the Holy Brothers. Having neither the resolution to stay on nor the courage to leave, the year before Final Vows I took to bed and refused to get up.
‘The doctor says you’re in perfect health. That there’s nothing the matter with you,’ old Cogger, the boss, had tried to reason. ‘So why can’t you get up when we are even shortstaffed in the school?’
‘I can’t get up.’
‘What’s wrong with you that you can’t get up?’
‘Nothing.’
‘If you don’t get up I have no option but to report you to General Headquarters.’
I did not get up, he had no option, and the result was an order for my dismissal, but as quietly as possible so as not to scandalize my brothers in JC or the good people of the town. Old Cogger showed me the letter. I was to get a suit of clothes, underwear, railway ticket and one pound. It revived me immediately. I told him the underwear I had would do and he raised the one pound to five.
The next hurdle was how to get my fit in clothes in a small town without causing scandal. Old Cogger dithered till the day before I had to leave, but at nightfall brought home two likely fits. I picked one, and packed it, and off we set by bus for Limerick, to all appearances two Christian Brothers going on some ordinary business, but old Cogger would come back alone. We did not speak on the way.
Behind a locked door and drawn curtains I changed in the guest room of the house in Limerick. I’ve wondered what happened to the black uniform I left behind, whether they gave it to another CB or burned it as they burn the clothes of the dead. Cogger showed me to the door as I left for the train but I can’t remember if he wished me luck or shook hands or just shut the door on my back. I had a hat too. Yes a brown hat and a blue suit, but I didn’t realize how bloody awful they looked until I met my sisters on O’Connell Bridge. They coloured with shame. Afraid to be seen walking with me they rushed me into a taxi and didn’t speak until they had me safely inside the front door of the flat, when one doubled up on the sofa unable to stop laughing, and the other swore at me, ‘In the name of Jasus what possessed the Christians to sail you out into the world in a getup the like of that or you to appear in it?’ Though what I remember most was the shock of sir when the waiter said ‘Thank you, sir,’ as I paid him for the cup of tea I had on the train.
Even if the memories are bitter they still quicken the passing of time. It is the sly coughing of the children that tells me the hands have passed three.
‘All right. Put your books away and stand up.’
In a fury the books are put away and they are waiting for me on their feet.
‘Bless yourselves.’
They bless themselves and chant their gratitude for the day.
‘Don’t rush the door, it’s just as quick to go quietly.’
I hear their whoops of joy go down the road, and I linger over the locking up. I am always happy at this hour. It’s as if the chains of the day were worth wearing to feel them drop away. I feel born again as I start to pedal towards the town. How, how, though, can a man be born again when he is old? Can he enter a second time his mother’s bag of tricks? I laugh at last.
Was it not said by Water and the Holy Spirit?
Several infusions of whiskey at the Bridge Bar, contemplation of the Shannon through its windows: it rises in the Shannon Pot, it flows to the sea, there are stranger pike along its banks than in its waters, will keep this breath alive until the morning’s dislocation.
A Slip-up
There was such a strain on the silence between them after he’d eaten that it had to be broken.
‘Maybe we should never have given up the farm and come here. Even though we had no one to pass it on to,’ Michael said, his head of coarse white hair leaning away from his wife as he spoke. What had happened today would never have happened if they’d stayed, he thought, and there’d be no shame; but he did not speak it.
‘Racing across hedges and ditches after cattle, is it, at our age. Cows, hens, pigs, calves, racing from light to dark on those watery fields between two lakes, up to the tips of our wellingtons in mud and water, having to run with the deeds to the bank manager after a bad year. I thought we’d gone into all this before.’
‘Well, we’d never have had to retire if we’d stayed.’ What he said already sounded lame.
‘We’d be retired all right. We’d be retired all right, into the graveyard long years ago if we’d stayed. You don’t know what a day this has been for me as well.’ Agnes began to cry and Michael sat still in the chair as she cried.
‘After I came home from Tesco’s I sorted the parcels,’ she said. ‘And at ten to one I put the kippers under the grill. Michael will have just about finished his bottle of Bass and be coming out the door of the Royal, I said when I looked at the clock. Michael must have run into someone on his way back, I thought, as it went past one. And when it got to ten past I said you must have fell in with company, but I was beginning to get worried.’
‘You know I never fall in with company,’ he protested irritably.
‘I always leave the Royal at ten to, never a minute more nor less.’
‘I didn’t know what way to turn when it got to half past, I was that paralysed with worry, and then I said I’ll wait five minutes to see, and five minutes, and another five minutes, and I wasn’t able to move with worry, and then it was nearly a quarter past two. I couldn’t stand it. And then I said I’ll go down to the Royal. And I’ll never know why I didn’t think of it before.
‘Denis and Joan were just beginning to lock up when I got to the Royal. “What is it, Agnes?” Denis said. “Have you seen Michael?” I asked. “No.” Denis shook his head. “He hasn’t been in at all today. We were wondering if he was all right. It’s the first time he’s not showed up for his bottle of Bass since he had that flu last winter.” “He’s not showed up for his lunch either and he’s always on the dot. What can have happened to him?” I started to cry.
‘Joan made me sit down. Dennis put a brandy with a drop of port in it into my hand. After I’d taken a sip he said, “When did you last see Michael?” I told him how we went to Tesco’s, and how I thought you’d gone for your bottle of Bass, and how I put on the kippers, and how you never showed up. Joan took out a glass of beer and sat with me while Denis got on the phone. “Don’t worry, Agnes,” Joan said, “Denis is finding out about Michael.” And when Denis got off the phone he said, “He’s not in any of the hospitals and the police haven’t got him so he must be all right. Don’t rush the brandy. As soon as you finish we’ll hop in the car. He must be nearhand.”
‘We drove all round the park but you weren’t on any of the benches. “What’ll we do now?” I said. “Before we do anything we’ll take a quick scout round the streets,” Denis said, and as soon as we went through the lights before Tesco’s he said, “Isn’t that Michael over there with the shopping bag?”
‘And there you were, with the empty shopping bag in front