Yours till death, Pulcheria Raskolnikov.”
Almost all the while he was reading, from the very beginning of the letter, Raskolnikov's face was wet with tears; but when he finished, it was pale, twisted convulsively, and a heavy, bilious, spiteful smile wandered over his lips. He laid his head on his skinny, bedraggled pillow and thought, thought for a long time. His heart was beating violently, and the thoughts surged violently. Finally, he felt too stifled and cramped in that yellow closet, which more resembled a cupboard or a trunk. His eyes and mind craved space. He grabbed his hat and went out, this time with no fear of meeting anyone on the stairs—he forgot all about it. He made his way towards Vasilievsky Island, along V------y Prospect, as though hurrying there on business, but, as usual, he walked without noticing where he was going, whispering and even talking aloud to himself, to the surprise of passers-by. Many took him for drunk.
IV
His mother's letter had tormented him. But concerning the main, capital point he had not a moment's doubt, not even while he was reading the letter. The main essence of the matter was decided in his mind and decided finally: “This marriage will not take place as long as I live, and to the devil with Mr. Luzhin!
“Because the thing is obvious,” he muttered to himself, grinning and maliciously triumphant beforehand over the success of his decision. “No, mama, no, Dunya, you won't deceive me! ... And they still apologize for not asking my advice and deciding the matter without me! Well they might! They think it's impossible to break it off now; but we'll see whether it's impossible or not! And what a capital excuse: 'Pyotr Petrovich is just such a busy man, such a busy man that he can't even get married any other way than posthaste, almost right on the train.' No, Dunechka, I see it all and know what this so muchis that you want to talk to me about; I also know what you were thinking about all night, pacing the room, and what you prayed about to the Kazan Mother of God [25] that stands in mama's bedroom. It's hard to ascend Golgotha. [26] Hm...So it's settled finally: you, Avdotya Romanovna, are so good as to be marrying a practical and rational man, who has his own capital (who alreadyhas his own capital; that's more solid, more impressive), who serves in two posts and shares the convictions of our newest generations (as mama writes), and who 'seemsto be kind,' as Dunechka herself remarks. That seemsis the most splendid of all! And that very same Dunechka is going to marry that very same seems! ...Splendid! Splendid! . . .
“. . . Curious, however; why did mother write to me about the 'newest generations'? Simply to characterize the man, or with the further aim of putting Mr. Luzhin in my good graces? Oh, you sly ones! It would also be curious to have one more circumstance clarified: to what extent were they sincere with each other that day and that night and in all the time since? Were all the wordsbetween them spoken directly, or did they understand that each of them had the same thing in her heart and mind, so that there was no point in saying it all aloud and no use letting on? Most likely it was partly that way; one can see it in the letter: to mother he seemed abrupt, just a bit,and naive mother thrust her observations on Dunya. And Dunya, naturally, got angry and 'answered with vexation.' Well she might! Who wouldn't get furious if the thing is clear without any naive questions, and it's been decided that there's nothing to talk about. And what's she doing writing to me: 'Love Dunya, Rodya, and she loves you more than herself? Can it be that she's secretly tormented by remorse at having agreed to sacrifice her daughter for the sake of her son? 'You are our hope, you are our everything'! Oh, mother . . .” Anger boiled up in him more and more, and he thought that if he met Mr. Luzhin right then, he might kill him!
25
The Kazan Mother of God (generally showing just the head and shoulders of the Virgin, with a frontal half-figure of the infant Christ giving a blessing) is perhaps the most widespread icon of the Mother of God in Russia. Its prototype was discovered in Kazan in 1579.
26
Golgotha ("the place of a skull" in Aramaic; latinized as "Calvary") is the name of the place just outside Jerusalem where Christ was crucified. See Matthew 27:33, Mark 15:22, John 19:17.