It was the first tear I’d seen Jude shed.
“How are you?” I asked softly.
“Speechless,” he breathed, studying the screen like it wasn’t real.
“That’s the first tear I’ve seen you cry,” I said, skimming my thumb down the moist trail it had left down his face.
“That’s the first tear I have ever cried,” he said, clearing his throat. “I can’t imagine a better time to let one fall than finding out I’m going to have a little girl with you, Luce.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I can’t either.”
“Well, we’re all done here,” Amy said. “But I’ll print you out some photos to put on your fridge and show off to all your friends, that kind of thing. So, say bye-bye, Mommy and Daddy.”
“Bye, baby,” I whispered, watching the screen. She was still moving around, almost dancing. She really was my daughter.
“Bye, baby girl,” Jude said, before the screen went black.
“You two can have a few moments in here,” Amy said, wiping my belly off with some tissues before standing up. “And here are your first baby pictures.” She handed me a strand of six photos taken from different angles. All of them brought a smile to my face.
This was our baby. Our baby girl. Surreal was the word of the day.
“Do you have some scissors in here?” Jude said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I want to put one in my wallet.”
Amy smiled at him and pulled a pair from her cart. Cutting the top one free, she handed it to him. “I don’t need long to know when a baby’s going to be well loved and cared for,” she said, handing the picture to Jude before heading for the door. “I didn’t need more than a few seconds with the two of you to know your little girl is one lucky baby.” She smiled and started closing the door. “Take your time.”
Jude carefully folded his photo before sliding it into his wallet, his expression peaceful.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you right away, Jude,” I said, swinging my legs around as I sat up. “I never wanted to—”
“Luce, you don’t have anything to apologize for,” he said, staring at my stomach before meeting my eyes. “But I do. I behaved like an asshole. I was an asshole.”
I held up my hand, because I wasn’t going to let him take all the blame like he always did. “Lord knows I love you for saying that, but I’ve plenty to apologize for. So please let me. Okay?”
He took a seat next to me on the edge of the bed and nodded.
“I should have told you the minute after I found out I was pregnant,” I began, running my hands down my legs. “But I was scared. Terrified. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I was pregnant, and I assured myself I’d tell you as soon as I’d gotten used to the idea. I think I’ve figured out that you don’t get ‘used’ to the idea of being pregnant when you’re an unmarried twenty-one-year-old trying to finish school.”
Maybe no one, no matter what their age or place in life, got used to the idea, because it was something so beyond comprehension. Something epic. Creating life. Sustaining life. Giving life. It wasn’t a concept that was easy to wrap any mind around.
“After a week passed and I wasn’t feeling any better, I knew I needed to tell you, but I didn’t want it to be on the phone, and I didn’t want it to be something I had to rush when I flew in for your first game. I wanted there to be a perfect time and place to tell you, so we could figure this curveball out together, but I should have remembered I’m a walking experiment in imperfect timing.”
Jude reached for my hand and weaved his fingers through mine.
“I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t. And I’m really sorry you found out the way you did.” I squeezed his hand. “But I’m so, so happy you’re here with me now.”
“Me too,” he said, lifting my hand to his lips. “Are you done now? With your apology?” His lips grazed along my knuckles, heating the skin along the way. “Because I’ve got something of a monumental apology to make, too.”
“You’ve got the floor, Mr. Ryder,” I said ceremoniously.
Pressing one final kiss to my knuckles, he lowered our hands to his lap. “I walked out on you Saturday night because I was scared, too, Luce,” he said. “I was scared of the reasons you’d kept it from me in the first place. I was scared that you would forever resent me for getting you pregnant. I was scared that I didn’t have what it takes to be a father. I was scared of so much, but what I was mostly scared of was losing you.” His voice was tight as his eyes lowered to my stomach. “And losing our baby.
“I ran that night because I was scared, and the fact that I ran away when you needed me most made me even more scared. So that’s what I’ve been thinking about nonstop, all day, every day, since Saturday night. And you want to know what I came up with?” he asked, leaning his forehead into mine. At this proximity, his eyes took up my whole field of vision.
“What?” I said, almost kissing him because our mouths were that close.
“That it doesn’t matter why I ran,” he said, staring at me without blinking, “because I came back. I’ll always come back, Luce. No matter how many rip-roaring fights we have and no matter how many miscommunications we have. I’ll always come back because you’re where I belong.”
“That’s quite the revelation there, Ryder,” I said. “You have a lot of those, don’t you?”
“I didn’t get this far with you without having a good epiphany knock me over the head once in a while.”
“So,” I said, “anything else or can we just kiss and make up now?”
His forehead left mine. “One more thing,” he said, as his face wrinkled. “Are you worried I’m going to be the kind of dad mine was?” I could tell he was trying not to show how hard these words were to get out, but I’d seen this man through four years of life’s highs and lows.
“I meant what I said Saturday, Jude,” I said, trying to erase the worry lines from his face with my fingers. “That has never been one of my concerns. Ever, and you want to know why?” I fed him back his line.
“Why?”
“Because you’re aware of it, because you’re worried about it. That fear of becoming your father will drive you to be the best father you can be,” I said, watching the first batch of wrinkles vanish from his face. “You know what would worry me, though? If you were overwhelmingly confident you could never become him. If you were so positive you could never in a million years be like him, I’d be worried that kind of confidence would make you lazy. Make it that much easier to fall into the traps when the hard times came.” I stopped to take a breath. I was really on a roll, but I had a lot to say. “But that’s not how you are, and that’s why I’m not worried. And, Jude? I wouldn’t pick another man if I had the whole entire world to choose from to be the father of my baby.”
The last remaining wrinkles ironed out. “Dammit, woman,” he said, “you keep saying that kind of stuff and I’m going to shed another tear.” Leaning in, he kissed me again, but this one lasted longer than the last, although it was still too short for my liking.
“So we’re good now? Everything off our chests that needs to be off them?”
Like the twisted guy he was, his eyes drifted to my chest. A wide smile appeared.
I shoved him in reply.
“So maybe I’ve got one more thing to get off my chest.”
“There’s always one more thing with you and me.”
“Yeah, but this will tide me over for a while if you agree to it,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Are you nervous?” I said, shocked. The last time I could remember him visibly nervous had been on the fifty-yard line, when he’d asked me to . . .
“Marry me, Luce,” he started, blowing out a breath. “I need to do what I can to make this whole thing right, and the way I know how is to make us a family.”
“We are a family, baby,” I said, wondering if he was going to rub the skin raw on that neck of his.