His words punched every last bit of breath I had out of me. “But, I had to—”
“It’s too dangerous for us to be together.”
A pain in my chest flared. “Logan, listen to me—”
He cut me off again. “We’ve talked about this.”
Reeling from his words, my fists and my jaw clenched in anger. “No, Logan, we didn’t. You did.”
Logan’s gaze remained steady. “Then I did.”
The cold tone of his voice told me his guard was completely up, and that pissed me off even more. I took a breath and said what needed to be said. “You have to stop allowing Tommy Flannigan to rule the direction your life takes.”
He pinned me with his stare. “That’s not what I’m doing, Elle. What I’m doing is keeping you safe.”
I shook my head. “I know that’s what you think you’re doing but he’s been your enemy for so long, you can’t see what’s real anymore. Don’t get me wrong—I get it. He’s threatened you your entire adult life and you’re scared, but he’s behind bars now.”
Maybe I imagined it, but I swear I saw him roll his eyes. “Like I already told you, that doesn’t mean shit.”
I swallowed bitter vile. “Can we at least talk about this?”
For the first time during our conversation, he dropped his gaze. “There’s nothing left to say.”
Resigned, I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. This back and forth wasn’t good for me. I had to keep my life stable for Clementine’s sake. There was no knowing how long Logan would need to be alone and my mind was already scattered enough. I couldn’t live day by day like that. I couldn’t leave things between us open ended. I knew if I did it was consume me.
My next words felt like a knife stabbing through my heart. “Then you have to let me go, Logan, because I can’t live like this. You want me. You don’t. You pull me close and then leave me behind. It’s making my head spin and I can’t think straight. I can’t work. I can’t concentrate. I can’t do it.”
His face went blank and he said nothing in return, but his gaze rose and this time he didn’t look away from me.
Looking into those intense hazel eyes, I felt as though I was caught in a swirling storm. I straightened my shoulders and pushed on. Desperation kicking in, I put it all out there. “I mean it, Logan. If you can’t let your fear go, then we need to end things.”
Vastness stretched between us.
He said nothing.
Pleading now, I said, “You have to know, together, we are stronger. We can support each other.”
Stare unwavering, he still said nothing.
Nothing.
Guilt and fear were written all over his face.
I hated myself for evoking these emotions within him, but I wanted so much for him to understand we had to do this together. Looking at him, I could see the turbulence in his stare and I blurted out what was so obvious. “Tommy already knows about us, so what is staying away from me going to do?”
“Save you,” he whispered.
“You don’t know if he’ll actually try to do anything,” I rationalized.
“That’s a big if. You weren’t there when he attacked Kayla right in front of me. She was petrified and I couldn’t help her. I can’t go through something like that with you. I won’t risk it. I just can’t.”
Bile rose up my throat.
I wanted to take him in my arms but instead I just stared.
This was it.
Self-preservation kicked in. I had to accept that under his strong exterior, he was a runner, through and through. And I couldn’t live like that.
In a state of utter desolation, I shouldered past him and flung the door open. One last time I turned to look at him. God, this was so hard. “Together or apart—you choose. There is no in-between.”
He blinked as if in shock and opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Don’t do this, Elle. Don’t make me pick. I told you I needed time to figure things out and nothing has changed.”
It had. He refused to even try to see things my way. In truth, I was afraid to be alone. I’d been alone my whole life. I needed him now because yes, I was scared. “Time isn’t going to change anything.”
Abundant sunlight was like a halo around his lean swimmer’s build and I watched with disappointment as he shook his head. “Please, just give me some time.”
My emotions had never switched gears as quickly as they did around Logan. Anger gone, heartbreak set in. “Here’s the thing, Logan: Time is an abstract word. It could be days or weeks, but it also could be months or even years. I can’t live my life in limbo. Not anymore. My emotions can’t be up and down. I have to think about Clementine. I need stability in my life for her sake. I hope you can understand that.”
“Elle—” he breathed.
This time I cut him off. We’d said all we needed to say. “Goodbye, Logan,” I whispered, with my throat tight and the sting of tears in my eyes.
Trapped in that cycle of fear, the atmosphere between us was so fraught, I couldn’t stop my entire body from shaking as I closed the door.
In the hall, my knees felt weak. Just standing up was taking all of my energy. I wanted to take the last forty-eight hours back and start all over again. I was a mess. I felt dead inside. I knew I’d never be the same.
As I pressed the down arrow, I looked back. Sadly, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t catch him after all.
LOGAN
I felt really weird all of a sudden . . . kind of like I’d been punched in the gut and kneed in the balls at the same time.
Stunned about what just happened, I couldn’t move.
Was I scared?
Hell, yeah, I was.
Living without her and knowing she was alive was a much better outcome than living without her because I’d been selfish and needed her in my life and she’d been killed.
Ding. Ding.
Reality slapped me in the face as soon as I heard the elevator arrive that would take Elle from my life. She had come here with an ultimatum and I had sent her packing.
I ran my hand through my hair. She didn’t understand. It wasn’t as simple as her protecting herself.
Fuck, I couldn’t do this though.
I couldn’t let her leave like that.
Grabbing my keys, I rushed out the door but I was too late—the elevator had already closed.
Like a bat out of hell, I ran for the stairs and pounded down them as fast as I could. In the lobby, the elevator door was already open and she was gone. Hustling out onto the street, I spotted her instantly as she crossed Fifth Avenue headed toward the Met. “Elle!” I shouted in a worthless effort to gain her attention.
Even this far uptown, the streets of New York were way too loud. Horns honking, cars racing by, people talking, the wind blowing.
Suddenly, it was all too much.
Not that it mattered, because the light turned red and I was forced to stop. There was a car right in front of me with heavily tinted windows waiting to pass through the traffic, and when I looked into one of them, I saw myself.
What I saw, I didn’t like.
Before I met Elle it had been a while since I looked at myself and didn’t see a fuck-up. When I was with her, though, everything I’d done seemed to fade into the background. If I stopped her now would it be just another fucked-up decision I’d make in my life? That list was already so long I wouldn’t add her to it.
I couldn’t.
For a moment I tried to imagine not letting her walk away. Tried to imagine my life with her, but in that blissful picture I was always looking over my shoulder. Always worried. And all I saw was the danger I’d be putting her in.
I had to let her go.
I had to.
What was my life going to be like without her? Would I stay here in New York, go to work at a job I hated, go out with my friends and pretend all was well, act as if the past week was just a blip in my life?
No, I knew I couldn’t.
She’d gotten under my skin.