"If you ever need to talk"
"I need to talk," she whispered into the darkness.
Crystal pulled the cord, alerting the bus driver that she wanted to get off at the next stop. Looking at the paper torn from the phone book, she double-checked the address and stepped off the bus. The multi-story office building loomed just before her, the large stone numbers on the front confirming it was the right place. It was then that fear rose its ugly head. I can't do this. I can't tell her what happened. Realizing that she looked odd standing in front of the doors, Crystal turned and began walking up the street.
This is stupid, she thought as she moved further away from the building. What good would talking about what happened do anyway? She turned left at the corner, oblivious to her surroundings. Jenny can't make everything all better. She can't take away the pain. So what does she do for her patients? They wouldn't keep seeing her if she didn't do something to help them. Maybe talking does help. She replayed the late night conversation with Jenny over in her head, aimlessly turning corners and realizing with a start that she had simply walked around the block, ending up in front of the building she was so afraid to enter. Lighting a cigarette, Crystal paced nervously outside for several minutes before finally entering and going to the second floor.
The sign on the frosted glass quiet and discreet, J. Foster, CSW, CAC, Licensed Acupuncturist. I don't know. With great trepidation, Crystal pushed down on the handle and stepped inside.
"May I help you?" the receptionist asked kindly.
"Um, I have an appointment with Miss Foster at three o'clock." She looked nervously at the clock on the wall. Five minutes before three.
"You must be Miss Peaks," the receptionist said. "Have a seat. Miss Foster is running a bit late today." The redheaded woman picked up a clipboard with papers attached. "You can fill these out while you're waiting. We need your insurance information and some other vital data."
"I don't have insurance. I'm paying cash."
"Oh, that's fine. We have a sliding scale fee schedule. Make sure to fill out section three."
Crystal sat down in a chair and began filling out the form. She had used her stage name to secure the appointment but put Sheridan down on the form, knowing Jenny would recognize her instantly. She left the emergency contact information blank, painfully aware she had no one to list. No one cares if something happens to me, she thought sadly. She handed the clipboard to the receptionist and returned to her seat. It was obvious from the reading material in the waiting room that Jenny's clients were all female. A small display on the table held brochures educating women how to do monthly breast exams. The magazines were all oriented toward women and several self-affirmation posters adorned the pink walls. Crystal picked up a copy of Lady Sports and was reading an article about a female basketball player when Jenny stepped into the room.
"Crystal?"
She tossed the magazine on the table and stood up, now more nervous than ever. "I um"
"Let's go into my office." Jenny opened the door and stood aside, her face revealing nothing of her mood..
Crystal entered the office to find it not at all what she expected. The desk was tucked neatly into a corner, facing the wall. An overstuffed leather couch facing a matching chair were the only other real pieces of furniture. Several brightly colored beanbags were scattered along with nearly a dozen throw pillows. On the wall were several diplomas, the name Jennifer T. Foster clearly visible.
"Have a seat wherever you'd like," Jenny said in a gentle tone. Crystal chose the recliner, pushing the beanbags away sitting up stiffly. The brown haired woman noticed and sat down on the couch. "Do you want some water or juice?"
"No." What am I doing here? She must think I'm a flake. I shouldn't have come. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here." She started to rise from the chair only to stop when she saw Jenny's raised hand.
"Wait. You might as well sit down. You still have forty-five minutes."
"Well"
"Crystal, I told you I could recommend several good therapists but I
"
"I know what you said," she interrupted. "But" She looked away, focusing on the bright green beanbag. "I can't do this with a stranger. I don't know if I can do it with you," she added in a voice just barely above a whisper. Her heart was beating faster and the urge to run was growing. "Maybe I should leave."
"You can't run forever, Crystal. There comes a point when it's harder to keep running than it is to stand up and face your demons." The therapist leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees. "I can't take you on as a client. It wouldn't be fair to you."
Fair? The fear was overshadowed by her rapidly growing temper. "Fair? You want to talk about fair?" She forcefully sat back in the chair and hugged her knees to her chest. "I haven't had a fair day in my life since I was fucking born! Everyone I've known has fucked me over so why not you too? Do you think it's fair that he got away with all the shit he did? Do you think it's fair that he drove Patty away? Do you think it's fair that I get punished just because you and Laura like to play between the sheets?" She angrily kicked her legs out, blinking back stinging tears. "It's not fair." A lone tear slipped through and she turned away, this time staring at the red beanbag. "Dammit."
"You're right," Jenny said after a long silence. "What happened to you was not fair and it wasn't your fault." She treaded gently, aware of the stripper's vulnerable state. "I'm not trying to hurt or punish you in any way." She paused. "Trust is an important issue with my clients. Even the appearance of impropriety has to be avoided."
"If I wasn't living there, would you help me?"
"Of course. It's not that I don't want to help you, Crystal, I do."
"So I'm just fucked again," the stripper said dejectedly, slumping further into the chair as the fight drained out of her. "It's all right, Doc. No biggie." "Let me get you the names of some very qualified"
"Don't bother," Crystal said dismissively. "I knew I was stupid to think about doing this." She wiped her eyes with her shirt sleeve and stood up to leave.
"No, not stupid," Jenny said, motioning for her to sit down. "Courageous." She set the clipboard aside. "It takes courage to heal." She paused, waiting for Crystal to look at her. "If I agreed to see you, there are certain rules that have to be made clear right from the start." The stripper swallowed hard and nodded, her emotions too raw for her to trust speaking. She didn't want to do or say anything that would dash the tiny glimmer of hope.
"The most important thing is knowing that whatever is said in this room stays in this room," the therapist continued. "It's a safe place for you. Nothing you tell me will ever be repeated unless you threaten to harm yourself or others. You can cry, scream, yell all you want. The walls are insulated so no one in the waiting area can hear you."
"Okay, Doc." Like I'm going to cry or scream, she thought dubiously, frowning when she remembered that only minutes ago she was on the verge of breaking down.
"I have certain expectations as well."
Crystal inhaled deeply and readied herself to protest. Jenny stood up and walked over to the desk, opening a drawer and removing a small, thick book. At first Crystal thought it was a bible until she saw the flowers and birds on the cover.
"This is a daily meditation book. I expect you to read the appropriate passage each morning and again at night." Crystal took the offered book and opened it. Each page was labeled with the month and date, but no day.