I am afraid each of us has to go through this individually.
I am not giving a guided tour to enlightenment. I do not guarantee anything. But I am just suggesting that perhaps there is something wrong with this approach.
Perhaps we do feel that something is wrong with this approach and we seek advice from our guru.
“I am completely convinced that this path is right for me, of course—we do not even have to discuss that. But something seems to be wrong. I have worked and worked on myself, and yet I find myself involved in a chain reaction of overlapping defeats.”
“Okay then, what next?”
“Well, I am too busy to do anything else because I am so obsessed with all this.”
“Okay, relax yourself.”
“What can I do? Haven’t you got any suggestions?”
“I am afraid I cannot give you an immediate solution to your problem. I have to know what is actually wrong with you, to start with. That is what all professional people would say. If there is something wrong with your television set, you do not immediately plug in a new tube. First you must examine the entire set. Which part does not function? Which tubes do not work?”
“Well, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong exactly. But the minute I try to touch on the subject it just goes berserk. it doesn’t click anymore. When I try to do something to correct it, I get no results at all. Something seems to be fused.”
“Big problem.”
“You see, each time I try to work my way out, as you and other gurus told me to do, I try and try and try but there doesn’t seem to be an end to the problem at all. Things keep going wrong all the time. If I start practicing asanas, pranayama, zazen, anything, much as I try to do it correctly, still the same familiar problems come back again and again and again. I have great faith in these doctrines, teachings, methods—of course I do. I love the teachers. I love the methods, I really do. I have complete faith in them. I know that a lot of people turn out beautifully as a result of travelling the same path I am attempting, but what is wrong with me? Maybe I have bad karma, maybe I am the black sheep of the family. Could that be so? If it is so, then I will go on a pilgrimage on my knees to India, I will make any sacrifice needed. I could starve myself. I will take any vow, but I just want to get it, really get into it. What can I do? Isn’t there anything else in your sacred books prescribing something appropriate for a person like me? Isn’t there some medicine I can take, a sacrifice I can perform?”
“I’m not sure. Come back later tomorrow and see me. Perhaps we can find something.”
That is what a spiritual friend might say: “See me again tomorrow or on the weekend. Let’s talk it over but don’t worry.” You go again, you see him, you think that you have some tremendous problem and that he has all the answers worked out especially for you. And again he will ask:
“How are you? How are you getting on?”
“What do you mean? I was waiting for your answer. You know how I am—I’m in terrible shape!”
You become very grumpy, and quite rightly in a way. Nothing happens, as usual, and then weeks and weeks go by as you come back again and again and again. You despair, suspecting nothing will come of the whole thing, entertaining the secret wish that maybe this is the time, maybe the fourth week or the fifth week or the seventh week. Seven is very symbolic, a mystic number. Time goes on: complete despair. You are about to investigate the possibility of other solutions.
“Maybe if I go and see someone else,” you think. “Perhaps I should return home and work with my own people; this situation is too alien to me. There seems to be no communication between him and me. He is supposed to have some kind of communication with me, but it is very disappointing, nothing happens at all.” So you sit and wait. Whenever you see him, you almost immediately know what his words to you are going to be: “Go back and meditate,” or “How are you? Have a cup of tea.” It is the same thing, again and again.
What is wrong? In fact nothing is wrong at all, absolutely nothing. The situation is quite beautiful, as far as your spiritual friend is concerned. But this period of waiting on your part, trying to get over something, is in itself wrong, because a waiting period means so much concentration into yourself, working inward rather than working outward. There is a tendency towards centralization and there is the notion of the “big deal” involved with your psychology, your state of mind. That is what is wrong.
Perhaps I should tell you the story of Naropa and his teacher Tilopa, the great Indian sage. Tilopa was a guru who spent twelve years with his student Naropa doing practically the same kind of thing we have been discussing here. “If you fetch me soup from that kitchen, I will teach you, I might teach you,” Tilopa would say. Then Naropa would bring the soup, having endured a terrible beating at the hands of the kitchen staff and householders in order to get it. He would arrive bloody but happy, and when he had presented the soup, Tilopa would say, “I want another cup, go and fetch it.” So Naropa would go and fetch the soup, returning half dead. He did this because he yearned so for the teachings. Then Tilopa would say, “Thank you, let’s go somewhere else.” This sort of incident occurred again and again until Naropa’s sense of expectation had reached its crescendo. At just this point Tilopa took off his sandal and slapped Naropa in the face. That was the abhisheka, the highest and most profound, the greatest—you could use many more adjectives to describe it—the greatest abhisheka. The slapping of a sandal against a man’s cheek and suddenly there was nothing more for Naropa to work with.
But we must not get carried away with this mystical scene. The whole point is the open path, the open way. We have thoroughly examined and experienced self-deception. We have been carrying such a heavy burden, like a tortoise carrying its shell. We have continually attempted to seal ourselves into this shell, trying actually to get into “somewhere” with such aggression and speed. We must give up all our speed and aggression, the whole demanding quality. We must develop some compassion for ourselves, and then the open way just begins.
At this point we should discuss the meaning of compassion, which is the key to and the basic atmosphere of the open way. The best and most correct way of presenting the idea of compassion is in terms of clarity, clarity which contains fundamental warmth. At this stage your meditation practice is the act of trusting in yourself. As your practice becomes more prominent in daily life activities, you begin to trust yourself and have a compassionate attitude. Compassion in this sense is not feeling sorry for someone. It is basic warmth. As much space and clarity as there is, there is that much warmth as well, some delightful feeling of positive things happening in yourself constantly. Whatever you are doing, it is not regarded as a mechanical drag in terms of self-conscious meditation, but meditation is a delightful and spontaneous thing to do. It is the continual act of making friends with yourself.
Then, having made friends with yourself, you cannot just contain that friendship within you; you must have some outlet, which is your relationship with the world. So compassion becomes a bridge to the world outside. Trust and compassion for oneself bring inspiration to dance with life, to communicate with the energies of the world. Lacking this kind of inspiration and openness, the spiritual path becomes the samsaric path of desire. One remains trapped in the desire to improve oneself, the desire to achieve imagined goals. If we feel that we cannot achieve our goal, we suffer despair and the self-torture of unfulfilled ambition. On the other hand, if we feel that we are succeeding in achieving our goal, we might become self-satisfied and aggressive. “I know what I’m doing, don’t touch me.” We might become bloated with our knowledge, like certain “experts” we meet who know their subject thoroughly. If anyone asks questions, especially stupid or challenging questions, they get angry rather than trying to explain anything. “How could you say such a thing, how could you even dream of asking such stupid questions? Don’t you see what I know?”