"I'm not altogether like Ari senior. I've been a lot smarter about sex. I haven't fouled up my friends. They've fouled each other up. 'Stasi's not speaking to Amy. Over Stef Dietrich. And Sam's hurt. And Maddy's just disgusted. I hate it.
"And I'm fluxing so badly I could die. I want Florian and I know it's smart to stay to him. But I feel like there's something in me that's justalone all the time.
"And I feel bad about thinking it, but Florian doesn't touch the lonely feeling. He just feels good for a while. And even while we're doing it, you know, sometimes everything's all right and sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. He doesn't know all my problems, but he tries, and he'll never tell me no, I have to tell myself no for him. Like I always have to be careful. That's the trouble.
"I think it's like floating in space, maman. There's nothing around me for lightyears all around. There's times that I'd rather Florian than anybody, because there's no one understands me like he does when I'm down or when I'm scared. But there's a side of me he just can't help, that's the problem. And I think he knows it.
"That's the awful thing. He's starting to worry about me. Like it was his fault. And I don't know why I'm doing this to him. I'm so mad at myself. Ari talked about hurting Florianher Florian. And that scares hell out of me, maman. I don't ever want to do that. But I am, when I make him feel like my problems are his fault.
"Did you ever have this with Ollie?
"Maybe I should just go down to the Town and try it with some of the azi down there, that do that kind of tiling. Maybe somebody like a Mu-class, who knows? A grown-up one. Somebody I can't mess up.
"But that kind of embarrasses me. Uncle Denys would have a fit. He'd sayO God, I couldn't discuss that with him. Besides, it would hurt Florian's feelings. Florian would be a little disgusted if I did it with Stef, but he wouldn't be hurt.
"Some azi from the Town, thoughI couldn't do that to him. I don't think Ari senior ever did anything like that. I can't find it in any records. And I looked.
"I think I'm being silly. I love Florian, truly I do. If there's trouble it's my trouble, not his. I should go back and be twice as nice to him and quit being selfish, that's what I ought to do. Lonely is all in my head, isn't it?
"Mostly. Mostly, I guess it is.
"Damn, maman, I wish you'd written. I wish Ollie would.
"He's CIT now. He's Oliver AOX Strassen. Maybe he thinks it would be presumptuous, to write now, like I was his daughter.
"Maybe he's just turned that off. He'll never stop being azi, down in his deep-sets, will he?
"I thought about having the labs make another of him.
"But you taught him the important tilings. And I'm not you, and I can't make him into Ollie. Besides, Florian and Catlin would be jealous as hell, like Nelly was, of them. And I'd never do that to them.
"Wish you were here. Damn, you must have wanted to strangle me sometimes. But you did a good job, maman. I'm all right.
"Overall, I'm all right."
iv
"It won't work," Justin said. "Look. There's going to be an increase in flux in the micro-sets. I can tell you what will happen."
"But it could be proportional. That's what I'm asking. If it's proportional, that's what I'm saying, isn't that right?"
He nodded. "I know what you're saying. I'm saying it's more complicated. Look here. You've set up for matrilineal education. That means you've got the AJ group, there, that's going to go with PAthere's your trouble, you've got a fair number of Alphas, maybe more than you ought to have. God knows what they're going to make out of your instructions."
"I asked Florian and Catlin how they'd interpret that instruction to defend the base. Florian said you just build defenses around the perimeter and wait if you're sure you're the only intelligence there. Catlin said that was fine, but you train your people for the next generation. Florian agreed with that, but he said they couldn't all be specialists, somebody had to see to the other jobs. But their psychsets aren't in the group. Ask Grant."
"Grant?"
Grant turned his chair around and leaned back. "I'd tend to agree with them, except everybody will have to be trained to some extent or you can't follow your central directive and you'll have some who aren't following it except by abstraction. Once you get that abstraction, that growing potatoes is defense, then you've got a considerable drift started. Everything becomes interrelated. Your definition of base may or may not drift at this point, and if I were in charge, I'd worry about that."
That was a good answer. She drew a long breath and thought about it. And thought: Damn, he's smart. And social. And in his thirties. Maybe that's the trouble, with me and Florian. Florian and Catlin are still learning their awn jobs. And so am I. But Grant
Grant's a designer. That's one difference.
"I've handled that abstraction," she said, "so that there is a change like that. Because they're not stressed and there isn't an Enemy early on. But I think you're right, two variables is going to blow everything full of holes."
"Maintain would have been a more variable word than defend," Justin said, "but defend brings all sorts of baggage with it, if any of your group are socialized. And you say three are. The AJ, the BY and one of the IUs. Which means, you're quite right, that you've got three who are likely going to do the interpretation and the initial flux-thinking; which means your value-sets are going to come very strongly off these three points. Which is going to hold them together tolerably well to start with, because they're all three military sets. And they're likely going to see that 'defend the base' is a multi-generational problem. But your Alpha is likely to be less skilled at communication than the Beta. So I'll reckon that's your leader. The Beta."
"Huh. But the Alpha can get around her."
"As an adviser. That's my suggestion. But the smarter the Alpha is, the less likely his instructions are going to make any immediate sense. He'll dominate as long as it's a matter of azi psychsets. But he'll lose his power as the next generation grows up. Won't he? Unless he's more socialized than the Beta."
"They don't have rejuv. It's a hard life. They're going to die around fifty and sixty. So the kids won't be much more than twenty or so before they're going on just what they could learn."
"Your Beta's instructions are likely to be more near-term, less abstract, more comprehensible to the young ones."
"My Alpha founds a religion."
"God. He'd have to be awfully well socialized. And machiavellian. Besides, it's not an azi kind of thing to do."
"Just practical."
"But, given that he does, would the kids understand the value of the instruction? Or wouldn't it just go to memorizing the forms and ritual? Ritual is a damned inefficient transmission device, and it generates its own problems. I think we'd better start working this out in numbers and sets, and get some solid data, before we get too far into speculations. I'm not sure your Alpha can win out over the Beta in any sense. You're likely to lose virtually all his input. And you're likely to end up with a matrilinear culture in that instanceand a very small directorate if it's by kinships. The question is whether kinships are instinctive or cultural. . . I'm cheating on that, because I've read the Bureau reports on Gehenna. But they're not going to resolve it, because there were CITs in the Gehenna colony."