She held it out to me on the palm of a surprisingly steady hand. The weapon didn’t actually look like much, but then, the really nasty ones often don’t. The Deplorable End was just a flat silver box, dull and lifeless, with a red button on top. It barely filled Jane’s palm, but there was still… something about it. The more I looked at it, the more uneasy I felt, as though a large and dangerous animal had just entered the room. I studied the box carefully, and had enough sense not to try to touch it. The Armourer had come forward and was peering over my shoulder at it, breathing hard in his excitement.
“Now that is impressive,” he said. “You don’t see craft and workmanship like that often, these days. How many spatial dimensions has it got? I keep losing count. And the energy signatures are off the scale… You have got to let me get that down to the Armoury and take it apart.”
“No, Uncle Jack,” I said firmly.
“Oh come on, I’ve got this really cool hyper-hammer I’ve being dying to try out…”
“No, Uncle Jack! Have you stopped taking your medication again? Jane, what is that, exactly? What does it do?”
“Simple to operate,” she said, her voice dull and lifeless. Her eyes were drooping shut again as the last of her strength went out of her. “Just press the button, and…Boom.”
“No more tower?” I said hopefully.
“No more anything,” said Jane, blinking owlishly. “No more universe. And no, you don’t get a timer. The Deplorable End is a one-time-only deal. What I’ve got here is the original device, the prototype. We used a somewhat improved version to put an end to the demon war. What I’ve brought you is, therefore, technically speaking, untested. But it should work. No reason I know of why it shouldn’t.” She slowly lowered her hand, as though the awful thing squatting on her palm were getting heavier. “I stole this, from the Multiversal Mercenaries’ Black Museum. I had to kill a lot of people to get this to you, Eddie. Some of them were friends, once. But now I have closed the book and burned all my boats … I can never go back. So don’t you ever give me cause to regret this, Drood.”
“How does it work?” I said, because you have to say something.
“Like you’d understand, even if I could explain it,” said Janissary Jane, with some of her old force in her voice. “I don’t need to know how weapons work. I’m a mercenary, not a mechanic. But I’m told it’s a largely conceptual weapon. What we’ve got here is a hyperspatial key, activating the real weapon, which is hidden away in some other dimensional fold, just waiting to be unleashed. When pressed, the button on the box gives the weapon the target coordinates and…Boom! There you have it. Or rather, there you suddenly don’t. One less universe to trouble the gaze of God. The Deplorable End, for everyone and everything.”
“But, basically, it’s just an untested prototype,” I said carefully. “So there is a small but nonetheless definite chance that it might not, actually, work? As such?”
“It’s a last resort,” Janissary Jane said tiredly. “When you’ve tried absolutely everything, and the Hungry Gods are coming through to eat all there is that lives…then the Deplorable End is your last chance for revenge. Away to take the bastards down with you, and to make sure no other universes will have to face the horrors we did.”
Her eyes fluttered closed as exhaustion finally took her. I gingerly took the gleaming metal box from her hand and had her taken away to the infirmary to get some rest. By the time she woke up, I hoped, it would all be over, one way or another. Though, if things went really bad, it might be a mercy if she never woke up …
I held the end of the world on my palm. It hardly weighed a thing. The Armourer peered closely at it, but didn’t attempt to touch it.
“I wonder who made it?” he said, almost wistfully.
“Armourer!” said the Matriarch, and the sharp authority in her voice snapped his head around immediately. He moved quickly over to join her and she fixed him with a cold, implacable stare. “Armourer, I hereby authorise you to open the Armageddon Codex. We have need of the forbidden weapons. Bring out Sunwrack, the Time Hammer, the Juggernaut Jumpsuit, and Winter’s Sorrow, and ready them for use.”
“No!” I said immediately, and my voice cracked so sharply across the Matriarch’s that everyone in the War Room stopped what they were doing to look at both of us. I went over to join the Armourer and the Matriarch, carefully not hurrying. I stared directly into Martha’s cold eyes, not flinching one little bit. “Not yet, Grandmother. We can’t use any of the forbidden weapons against the Invaders until they’re actually in our reality, and a clash of such powerful forces would almost certainly tear our world apart. With no guarantee the weapons would destroy the Hungry Gods anyway. We save the Armageddon Codex for when all our plans have failed. And I’m not out of plans yet.”
“The Deplorable End would destroy the whole universe, not just this world,” said the Matriarch, not giving an inch.
“Trust me,” I said. “I have no intention of blowing up the universe. I’ve got a much better idea. If I should fail in my mission…then it’s up to you. But for now, trust me… Grandmother.”
“Well,” said the Matriarch after a moment. “Just this once, Edwin.”
She actually managed a small smile for me, and I smiled back. And then, as if things weren’t already complicated enough, the ghost of Jacob Drood and the living Jay Drood decided it was time they made their appearance. All the time I was talking with the Matriarch I had the feeling someone was watching me. I finally looked around, and my gaze fell on the Merlin Glass, currently showing a reflection of the War Room. But there was something wrong with the image in the mirror, and when I strode over to study it, I realised there were too many people in it. In the mirror’s reflection, Jacob and Jay were standing behind me, grinning at me over my shoulder. I looked behind me, but there was no one there. I looked back at the mirror, and there they were. It gave me the shivers. Especially when the two of them shouldered past my reflected image, strode forward, and stepped out of the mirror into the War Room. I had to backpedal fast to get out of their way. People jumped and yelled and even screamed, and Jacob and Jay grinned and sniggered and elbowed each other as though they’d just pulled off a particularly clever and childish trick. I had to take a deep breath just to get my heartbeat back to something like normal.
Jacob was now wearing an old-fashioned bottle green engine driver’s uniform, complete with peaked cap, with the front of his silver-buttoned jacket hanging open to reveal a T-shirt bearing the legend Engineers Get You There Quicker. He looked very sharp and focused, with hardly any blue-gray trails of ectoplasm following him when he moved. Jay was back in the full finery of his original period and looked almost as excited as his future ghostly self, but there was something in his eyes … I folded my arms across my chest and gave them both my best hard stare.
“Nice trick,” I said coldly. “I’ll bear it in mind for if we ever need to give someone a coronary. I didn’t know you could do that, Jacob.”
“You’d be surprised at what you can do when you’re dead, boy,” Jacob said cheerfully. “It’s really very liberating.”
Jay looked severely at his future self. “I’m boasting again and I do wish I wouldn’t. We have a plan to save the day, Eddie.”
“Of course,” I said. “Doesn’t everyone? Does your plan by any chance involve blowing up the whole damned universe?”
“Well, no,” said Jay. “Not as such.”
“I like it already,” I said.
“Oh, you tell him, Jacob,” said Jay. “You know you’re dying to, and you’ll only butt in and interrupt if I try. I apparently become very grumpy after my death.”
“Try hanging around this family for centuries,” Jacob growled. “They could make a pope swear and throw things. Listen, Eddie, we have a way to stop the Invaders in their tracks. We’re going to use the Time Train.”
“You’ve only just started describing your plan, and already I hate it,” I said. “Going back in time to undo present events never works. Never never never. It always ends up causing more problems than it solves.”