“You’re too excited.” She spoke in a flat voice. “You’ve let yourself get too excited.”
He glanced at the castle again and suddenly realized what ‘too excited’ meant. He was going to be removed, denied the castle and the cake and the baked potato lunch. She steeled herself as Jake’s body tensed, he bared his teeth and bent his knees, ready to spring.
The shadow of Pete fell over them, hands out, in position to apply the hold they had been taught to use on him. Jake’s eyes flicked to his father and he flinched, knew his physical attack on his mother was foiled.
“When you’re asleep...” Jake growled. He saw the spark of alarm in her eyes and smiled.
This morning in the hotel Audrey had swung her feet over the side of the bed, stepping onto a jagged glass ashtray discarded on the floor. She hadn’t told Pete. It was terrifying. It was an escalation.
“I’ll do it,” he snarled.
Something snapped inside of her, a cold wash over her heart. Eleven years of soul grinding humiliation, of shame and blame, of confrontations about Jake’s behavior. And tiredness. Everyone thought it was her fault. Maybe it was her fault. She had done her best. Her best was enough for Hannah and Simon but it wasn’t nearly enough for Jake. She couldn’t do this anymore.
“Right,” she said, “We’re going home.”
Jake glanced desperately up to the castle. “To the hotel?”
“No. To Surrey. Remember Helen, the social worker? She’ll meet us there.”
“Why Helen, Mummy?”
He was too old to call her that. It sounded facetious and strengthened her resolve.
“You need help.” She squeezed his upper arms hard. “And I’ve tried but I can’t seem to help you. I’m finished.”
Never confront him, Pete had said, nursing a bloody cut on his forehead. Audrey didn’t care anymore. She shut her eyes, expecting him to start clawing at her, at her eyes, at her lips.
But Jake didn’t. He looked at her, expressionless, unblinking, and spoke in an unfamiliar voice, “I’m finished too.”
It was a normal voice, not strangled or grating. Not the voice that made strangers in the street want to slap him. “I’m finished too, Mum.”
“You’ve finished what?” she whispered.
“This behaviour. It’s finished.” He looked at the castle battlements then back at her. He held her eye.
Pete hadn’t heard this. When he spoke his voice sounded high and frightened, “We popping back to the hotel for a time out, Jakey?”
Audrey released her grip slowly but Jake didn’t move. Hannah and Simon backed away. But Jake didn’t go for anyone. Uncertain, Audrey stepped away.
Jake smiled up at her, a warm smile, and his eyebrows tented in a question. He looked up the winding lane to the castle and back at her for permission.
Reckless with exhaustion, Audrey raised an arm to the castle. He trotted away along the pavement.
Hannah and Simon watched their brother run off by himself. Hannah chewed her cuff. She did that when she was scared. Little Simon was baffled by the lack of drama and looked anxiously to his father for reassurance. Pete ruffled Simon’s hair and watched Jake walk calmly away. He looked at Audrey. She shrugged that she didn’t know what was going on either.
“He said he was finished with his ‘behaviour’.”
“What, the ululating?” asked Pete.
They watched him walk away, dazed by the change in his mood.
“I don’t know what he meant.”
Jake glanced back, saw they weren’t twenty feet behind — he had been warned about staying a safe distance to the group — and stopped. He waited. Audrey couldn’t believe it.
“Okay,” said Pete, tentative but hopeful. “It’s a castle. There probably isn’t that much he can break.” He swung Simon onto his shoulders., “Come on then. Let’s just see how it goes.”
Audrey was cautious but she was desperate enough to hope.
It was an extraordinary hour.
They took in the views of the hills from the wide esplanade leading up to the castle. They queued for cartons of juice from a van. They had to wait because a man in front of them had ordered an elaborate coffee but Jake didn’t go crazy. He didn’t get frustrated with the lady serving or throw all the food out of the baskets at the front of the van.
They walked together. Jake didn’t run or shout. He didn’t walk ahead of the group or pester his siblings. He didn’t demand Simon’s place on his dad’s shoulders. He was calm, even cheerful sometimes. He kept trying to get Simon to pull his green hoodie up like him and pull it tight around his face. Eventually Simon did and they laughed together because they both looked bonkers. Usually any concession to a demand by Jake just prompted him to make more and more and more demands but he didn’t do that this time. He just touched his little brother fondly on the hood and let him alone.
It was exposed on the castle forecourt. A bitter wind picked up and the sky darkened as they approached the entrance. A little wooden bridge over a twenty-foot sheer drop led to the Portcullis Gate. They were standing near one of the official guides to the castle, an older man wearing the red anorak uniform, with a walkie-talkie clipped to his shoulder. Pete asked him who the statues were on either side of Portcullis Gate. The Guide explained that they were William Wallace and someone else. Audrey wasn’t listening. She was watching Jake. He was listening to the man, reacting appropriately, nodding to show he understood. It was remarkable. Apparently he could behave when he wanted to. She was delighted and furious in equal parts.
Pete snapped pictures on his phone and the Guide offered to take a family photo. They gathered dutifully and he took it and gave the phone back to Pete. He showed it to Audrey. They all looked surprised, except Jake. He was in front of the rest of them, smiling straight to the camera.
Pushing their luck, Pete asked what the Latin inscription over the Portcullis Gate meant. “Nemo me impune lacessit,” said the Guide, “means ‘Cross me and Suffer’.” He giggled, a high pitched and contagious laugh, “Oh! It’s not very friendly, is it?” He laughed again.
Simon caught Jake’s eye and they laughed together. Audrey couldn’t remember that happening, not since Simon was a baby. He knew better than to catch Jake’s eye now.
Pete was happy and excited. “Okay gang, let’s go and see this castle!”
Audrey watched him lead the boys up a steep cobbled lane. Hannah hung back with her mother. She was unsure of New Jake, less willing to trust. She chewed her cuff, keeping her watchful eyes on Jake.
Audrey took Hannah’s free hand, “Okay, honey?”
Hannah smiled up at her mum but her eyes were scared.
“What it is, sweetie?”
“What’s—” She glanced at Jake and stopped. Hannah didn’t talk much. The school had highlighted her ‘virtual selective muteness’ as a cause for concern. Audrey filled in for her, a habit the school had warned her against. “What is happening with Jake?”
“Hmmm.”
“I think he’s trying to be good.”
Hannah gave her mother a skeptical look. Audrey nodded, “I know, but look how happy Daddy is. We’ll see. Let’s try to have fun while we can, okay?”
Hannah nodded, keeping her reservations to herself. She had been through so much, suffered because of Jake’s behaviour. She was so brave about it. Audrey said, “You’re lovely, Hannah, d’you know that?”
Delighted, Hannah blushed at her shoes and squeezed her mum’s hand.
Before Jake got really bad, a family counsellor told Audrey and Pete that they simply weren’t giving Jake enough positive reinforcement for good behaviour. She was wrong, they did it all the time. They complimented him for anything that wasn’t spiteful or vile. He never responded to compliments the way Hannah and Simon did. He didn’t really seem to care what they thought.