I was glad my ma was the type of mother that I could tell everything to, and for that reason alone, it killed me even more that I was keeping my da’s affair from her. I told her everything, but I couldn’t bring myself to put that on her shoulders. I’d rather it be my burden to carry than hers.
“Ye’know Damien Slater, right?”
“The little shite who took your virginity then up and fled the country when you were eighteen?”
My lips quirked. “Yup.”
“What about ’im?”
“I told you that he came back from America not long before Jax was born,” I added. “Right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what I haven’t told you is that he’s been tryin’ very hard to make up for what he did when we were kids. He’s been really nice to me and hasn’t done anythin’ to upset me. He’s given me space and has been an all-round gentleman.”
“But?”
“But.” I sighed. “I’m terrified that somethin’ bad will happen again if I let ’im in. The last time, we weren’t even a couple, and he really did a number on me. I’m scared that even bein’ just his friend will hurt because if he got with another woman ... it’d kill me.”
I couldn’t deny my romantic feelings for Damien anymore, not after the kiss we shared at his job. I knew that deep down I had always harboured feelings for him, but after we fell out and he left, my mind did everything possible to cover up those feelings. I guess I believed if I denied how I truly felt about him, then I would get over him.
That clearly hadn’t worked out too well.
“So, you don’t want to be Damien’s friend or anythin’ more because you’re scared of gettin’ hurt, but you also don’t want ’im to be with anyone else ... because that would also hurt you.”
I closed my eyes. “It sounds so stupid when you say it out loud.”
“It’s not stupid, hon,” Ma assured me as she wrapped her arm around my waist. “It’s just unfortunate that the person you care for is the person you’re also terrified can break you.”
I opened my eyes.
“I wish I could click me fingers and get over everythin’ ... it’s just so hard. A voice in the back of me head reminds me of how hurt I once was because of our actions when we were eighteen. What if I got over everythin’ and gave ’im a chance, and then everythin’ went wrong? I can’t imagine how much it’d hurt if I loved ’im and lost ’im. I get anxiety over it.”
“I understand that, and that worry is completely valid ... but it’s also no way to live your life. Worryin’ about somethin’ that may never happen is like takin’ a sip of poison each day. Nothin’ good will come from it. The only person you’ll be hurtin’ is yourself.”
“I know.” I nodded. “I know.”
“What about the other lad?” Ma asked as she reached down and smacked my behind.
I yelped as she went over and sat at the kitchen table.
“The other man.” I sighed. “Is Dante Collins.”
“Any relation to Aideen?”
“Oh, only ’er older brother.”
Ma whistled. “Well, you fucked up there, love.”
I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did.
“Want to know the worst part?” I quizzed. “I was with ’im in private, and no one knew about it except Dante’s brother Harley ’cause they’re each other’s soundboard, but everyone found out when I told Damien after he asked me out for lunch last week.”
“Oh, shite.”
“Oh shite is right.” I snorted. “I’m good with Aideen, though. I worked up the courage to speak to ’er about it this afternoon.”
“That’s good,” Ma said. “Why ’er older brother, though?”
“Well, Dante is exactly like Damien used to be. He doesn’t understand the word commitment, and he is way too handsome and charmin’ for his own good.” I continued to dice the food. “I wanted to see if I could have a purely physical relationship with ’im without developin’ an emotional attachment.”
“You did a sex test on the man?”
“Ma,” I groaned. “Don’t say it like that. You make it sound creepy.”
“Sorry.” She snorted. “Go on.”
“I just wanted to prove to meself that me age was the sole reason Damien affected me the way he did.”
“But you’re twenty-four now, and you still feel the same hurt over Damien, and the same attraction ... right?”
I grunted. “Right.”
“So, your age wasn’t the problem; you just had a strong connection with the lad.”
Another grunt. “I guess so.”
“So, your sex test with Dante really wasn’t all that necessary.”
“Ma.”
“What?” She chuckled. “I’m only sayin’.”
I shook my head.
“About the test, though,” she continued. “It wouldn’t really prove anythin’ unless the sexual subject was Damien. You can have sex with many men and leave them, but you wouldn’t be able to prove anythin’ unless you had sex with Damien and left ’im. He is the one who got you all tied up in knots in the first place, so you’d have to experiment with him to see if your theory was accurate.”
My mouth dropped open.
“That’s exactly what Bronagh said!”
Ma grinned. “I always said she was a bright girl.”
I shook my head. “I’m not havin’ sex with Damien just to prove a theory.”
“Why not?” Ma quizzed. “You had sex with Dante to prove it.”
She was a smartarse, but a smartarse who made total sense.
“That’s enough talkin’ about who I have sex with, thank you very much.”
Ma laughed, and it brought a smile to my face. I loved her laugh.
“It’s all so interestin’, though,” she continued. “Two men and only one of you.”
“It’s worse because Damien and Dante never really got on.”
“And now they hate each other?”
“Pretty much,” I said. “They fought today over me.”
“Hold on,” Ma said with a snap of her fingers. “So, you’ve be sleepin’ with Aideen’s older brother, and no one knew about it, but now everyone knows about it, and the man who you clearly have feelings for knows, and hates the older brother, and fought ’im over you?”
“Basically.”
Ma clapped her hands together. “This is like an episode of Maury!”
“Ma!” I tittered. “This isn’t funny.”
“Of course not,” she said, folding her hands on her lap. “Please, proceed.”
“There is nothin’ else to say.” I shrugged. “Me and Dante are goin’ to be just friends, and Damien wants to talk to me tonight about everythin’ that’s happened between us, but after seein’ them both fight over me ... it’s left a bad taste in me mouth.”
“Two gorgeous men fightin’ the other to win your heart is romantic, not tasteless.”
I rolled my eyes. “You read too many romance books.”
“Blame Keela,” Ma countered. “She recommends all them to me.”
I chuckled. “Have you read her book yet?”
“Yes, it’s wonderful. Have you?”
“No,” I answered. “She’s so protective over it. She has so much self-doubt; she thinks we’ll laugh at ’er if we read it. She finished it ages ago and is no closer to publishin’ it.”
“It’s ’er baby.” Ma soothed. “It’s a project she has put blood, sweat, and tears into. It’s normal for ’er to be scared, but she shouldn’t let the fear of people dislikin’ it keep ’er from publishin’ it.”
“Have you told her that?”
“Of course,” Ma answered. “It’ll register with ’er eventually. She just needs time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.”
“I hope I am as wise as you when I’m older.”
“Stick with me, kid.” She winked. “I’ll rub off on you.”
I laughed. “The chicken is ready.”
Together, we finished preparing dinner, taking turns cooking and seasoning the food. In the thirty minutes it took us to get everything ready, I had never laughed so much in my life, and that was a big deal, considering how often Alec Slater cracked me up. But my ma? She was on a whole other level of funny.