“You’re okay, though, right?” I asked, my voice cracking. “It’s nothin’ serious?”
She looked at my da, and her tears continued to fall as he pulled her tightly against him and wrapped his arms around her.
“Da!” I almost growled his name. “Tell me.”
He locked his eyes on me, and I saw sorrow dwelling within them.
“Cancer,” he rasped. “Ma has breast cancer.”
The air was knocked from my lungs the second he spoke the words. Loud noise filled my ears, a pain took root in my chest, and a disgusting sensation of nausea hit me like a tonne of bricks.
“No,” I whimpered. “No, she doesn’t.”
My ma broke away from my da and came over to me when I broke down. We wrapped our arms around each other and just held on for dear life as we cried. My ma was swaying me, trying to calm me down, when I should have been the one comforting her and assuring her that everything would be okay. The crying made her feel uneasy, so she excused herself to the bathroom to gather her bearings and clean herself up.
I had to force myself not to be sick.
“When did you both find out?”
“Last Tuesday,” Da answered.
My posture went rigid. My ma had cancer, and he knew about it, and he still ... he still was cheating on her.
“It’s goin’ to be okay, love—”
“Don’t touch me!” I slapped my da’s hand away when he reached for my hand.
His mouth dropped open in shock as he looked at his hand like it was a second head.
“Love.” He frowned. “What’s the matter?”
“Ye’know fuckin’ well, you piece of shite.”
He choked on air. “Alannah!”
“I know,” I said, my jaw setting.
“Ye’know what?” he demanded, lowering his voice and glancing at the doorway. “What are you talkin’ about, Alannah?”
I wanted to thump him for looking so bemused; he had no right to pretend he was in the dark.
“I know about that tramp you’re seein’ behind Ma’s back!”
I watched as the blood drained from my da’s face, and an expression close to terror took hold.
“Yeah,” I sneered. “You’d better be afraid.”
“Don’t tell ’er,” he pleaded, his eyes darting from me to the doorway and back again. “Not now.”
“You’re sick,” I told him. “You’re lower than low.”
“I know.” He nodded, swallowing. “I know.”
“Why?” I demanded, a lump forming in my throat. “Why would you ever want someone other than Ma? That woman worships the ground you walk on.”
“I know she does,” he clipped. “I know, okay? It was a moment of weakness.”
I sat back, and laughed humourlessly.
“Alannah,” he pleaded, his hands now shaking. “Please, don’t tell your mother.”
“I could kill you,” I said, my fingers flexing as I balled my hands into fists. “I could kill you right ’ere and now, and I wouldn’t feel a single shred of remorse.”
My da stared at me, his eyes unblinking.
“Bear—”
“Don’t you dare call me that!”
He flinched at the coldness in my tone.
“Please, baby,” he croaked. “Please, I’m so sorry.”
“I hate you for this,” I continued. “I hate you.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, his skin paled, and I could have sworn I saw his heart break right in from of me. He had to clasp his hands together to stop them from shaking.
“I’m so sorry.”
I lifted my chin. “You’ll never be sorry enough.”
“I ended it,” he quietly exclaimed. “The day I went to the hospital with your ma, and we found out she was sick, I ended it. It’s taken possibly losin’ your ma to make me see she is the only woman I have ever loved and will ever love. She is me first priority, and next to you, she is me entire world. She is, Alannah. I swear to you. I love ‘er more than life.”
I glared at him, hate flowing through my veins like blood.
“Don’t tell ’er,” he repeated. “I’m beggin’ you.”
“You don’t deserve ’er.”
“You’re right, I don’t,” Da frantically agreed, flicking his eyes towards the doorway every few seconds. “But please don’t say anythin’. She needs to focus on ’er upcomin’ treatment and beatin’ this sickness, Alannah.”
Anger surged through me.
“How dare you!” I snapped. “How dare you use ’er struggle to keep me quiet!”
“Alannah!” Da almost growled. “Hate me as much as you want, but don’t put your ma through any more pain than necessary.”
“Me?” I whispered incredulously. “I’ve done nothin’! You’re the cheatin’ wanker stickin’ his dick in another woman.”
My da’s jaw dropped. “I have never had sex with Olivia.”
Olivia. That was the tramp’s name.
“I don’t believe you.”
“On me life, I didn’t, Alannah.” He swore. “We kissed, and touched, but it never went as far as sex. It doesn’t excuse anythin’, and it is still a complete betrayal of your ma’s trust, but your mother … she is the only woman I have ever been physically intimate with. It’s been her since I was seventeen.”
“It was her until you met that tramp.”
Da’s whole body slumped.
“I will forever be sorry for breakin’ your ma’s trust. I will, Alannah, but please, think about what tellin’ ’er will do to ’er when we need ’er to be at ’er strongest.”
I began to shake with temper.
“You’re a coward,” I told him. “You’re a fuckin’ coward.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I know.”
I heard footsteps descend the stairs, and I felt my da’s eyes burn into me with one last plea to keep my mouth shut. I ignored him and focused on my ma as she entered the room. Her eyes were only slightly red, and she had a smile back in place on her beautiful face. She looked directly at me and found I was already staring at her. She came to my side, sat down, and placed a hand on my knee.
“We’re goin’ to get through this,” she told me, her back straight. “There is nothin’ the three of us can’t beat together.”
The three of us … together. Fuck.
When she hugged me, I looked directly at my da, and when I gave him a slight nod, he practically deflated with relief. I turned from him, closed my eyes, and focused on my ma. I would keep my da’s harrowing secret from her for a little bit longer because he was right about one thing—we needed her to focus on beating her sickness, not on him breaking his vows.
“I love you so much, Mammy.”
She squeezed me tightly. “I love you more, baby.”
Fear wrapped itself around me.
Please God, I thought. Don’t take her from me.
I had never known complete and utter helplessness until that moment.
Four hours ago, I found out my ma had breast cancer. After the initial shock, my parents explained to me that it was detected at an early stage. Treatment would start soon, and the success rate of remission was higher, too. None of that comforted me because, at the end of the day, my ma had cancer, and the only purpose of cancer was to kill its host.
That host was my mother.
I had stayed in my parents’ house talking and crying as I tried to come to terms with this life-altering news. When my ma began to show signs of fatigue, I made an excuse that I had to leave so I could go home and prepare for my business interview the following day. It pleased my ma because she wanted me to carry on as normal, but from the look in my da’s eyes, he knew better.
I found myself outside the front door of Bronagh and Nico’s house not long after I left my parents. It wasn’t very late, closing in on nine p.m. I had to park on the road because Kane’s car was in the driveway next to Nico’s, and Ryder’s car was behind both of them, leaving no room for anyone else. Even though I had a key, I knocked on the door and waited.