“Alannah—”
“I’m goin’ into me bedroom, and I’m lockin’ the door. I’m goin’ to force meself to go to sleep, and when I wake up, every one of you better be gone, and Damien, I mean that. I’ll call the guards otherwise, and you never know what I might say, ye’know, since I’m so untrustworthy.”
Damien grabbed me when I turned my back and began to walk away.
“You have to let us explain,” he begged. “You have to let me explain.”
“Right now, I can’t,” I said, fighting back tears. “I just need to be on me own. If I want you to explain, I will ask you all to explain, but for God’s sake, let me have time to process this.”
“If I let you go, you won’t come back to me. I know you won’t.”
“That’s a risk you’re goin’ to have to take because one way or the other, I’m puttin’ space between all of you and me. I don’t want to be near any of you. If you don’t respect me as a person to trust me with your secrets, then at least respect me decision to not want to be around you.”
“I’ll tell you everything,” Damien said, kissing the side of my face, drawing a small cry from me. “When you want an explanation, I’ll tell your everything. I swear.”
He hugged me so tight, I thought I felt my bones crunch.
“I love you, freckles.”
The sad thing about all of this wasn’t that he told me he loved me after I found out such horror about his family; it was sad because even though I knew what horrendous acts were committed and how he lied to my face, I loved Damien, too. Despite all of that, I loved him with every fibre of my being … and if that wasn’t a travesty, then I didn’t know what was.
Two weeks later…
“Alannah?”
I looked at my ma.
“Yeah?”
“Bear, I’ve called your name three times.”
I blinked. “Sorry, Ma, I just have a lot on me mind.”
A hell of a lot.
“What is goin’ on?” she asked me, gently. “Please don’t tell me nothin’ because I know it’s somethin’, baby.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from crying.
“I just had a big fallin’ out with Damien and the others.”
“Even Bronagh?”
I grunted. “Yeah, even Bronagh.”
“Oh, my God,” Da said from my right. “It must have been a hell of a fight for you and Bee to fall out.”
“You’re tellin’ me.”
“D’ye want to talk about it?” Ma asked, resting her hand on my shoulder. “We’ll listen.”
“Honestly, I just need time away from all of them,” I admitted. “I’m okay, I promise; it’s just somethin’ I have to work through meself, ye’know?”
“Yeah, love,” Da said from my left. “We know.”
I glanced at him and smiled when he winked. I looked from him to my ma, and though I was still scared for her future, of waiting for her to start radiation for her cancer, and then waiting to find out if worked, I was prepared for it. We would fight her illness together as a family, no matter what came our way, no matter what it took, we'd tackle it together.
Things between us had gotten so much better since that day in the hospital after my ma got her surgery. A few days ago, they got even better after my parents sat me down, and my ma admitted to knowing that da was cheating on her. He had planned to wait until she finished radiation to speak to her about it, but he felt so guilty that he told her one night when they were lying in bed, and she replied with three words, “I already know.”
I was blown away, and my instinct was to react with anger at her for sticking around when she knew my da was breaking their vows, their trust, but my ma explained to me that she knew that my da knew it was all a mistake before he even realised it himself. She told me that people make mistakes and hurt those we love, and that is what makes us human. The ability to be less than perfect.
My ma said she could have packed my da’s belongings and kicked him out, but what good would that have done either of them if they gave up on their marriage without a fight. I argued that the fight was lost the second my da strayed, but once I saw how much my da regretted his actions, I realised my ma was right, and that we were all lucky she was so caring and wise.
Some things were meant to be forgotten, and others were meant to be fought for.
My ma didn’t react to a situation at the drop of a hat like I did; she took a step back and considered everything, and especially the outcome. I didn’t. I acted on whatever emotion I was feeling at the moment, and when I thought about that, it made me think about what happened with my friends.
Instantly, I put up a wall and shut them all out without giving them the chance to explain what Morgan had told me. I was angry and hurt. I still was, but now that I had time to sit back and think about everything, I realised I only had one side of five different stories.
I knew I had to go see the group and hear them out, but doing that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. My heart was hurt. I felt so insufficient and kept wondering if something was so untrustworthy about me that it made everyone lie to me. I had always thought I was a nice person, someone anyone, especially my friends and partner, could confide in, but I wasn’t.
Bronagh and Damien’s betrayal hurt the worst. Bronagh was my best friend, someone who I thought shared everything with me, as I did with her, but knowing she willingly kept what happened from me cut me deep. Damien’s betrayal hurt in an entirely different way. I loved him. I loved him more than I should for the time we were together, but I couldn’t change that.
What I feared happening from the very start had taken place. Damien and I had ended, and I was in more pain than I was the first time around because this time, love was shared, a deep connection was shared. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate, and when I tried to work, all I did was sketch and paint Damien’s face. He was on my mind constantly … and so were the things he and my friends had done.
Murder.
They had murdered people. Took the lives of other human beings. No matter how long I sat and thought about it, no matter what way I looked at it, I could scarcely believe it to be the truth. The people I knew were loyal and fiercely protective, they were some of the best men I had ever known, and to learn of them committing such acts of horror completely blindsided me. If I hadn’t heard them admit to such deeds, I would have never truly believed Morgan.
Morgan, who had kept his word. He left my apartment and not returned. I received an email from him letting me know he was deleting his account but had transferred all my client emails to my inbox, as well as a detailed explanation on how to keep my system in order. I didn’t delete the message because I knew I would need it , so I didn’t fall back into my previous disorganised ways, but when I thought of Morgan, I felt so foolish. I couldn’t believe I’d let a stranger into my house, someone who could have truly hurt me, and was none the wiser. I told myself what came to be was never something I could have ever imagined but being tricked by him left a sour taste in my mouth.
The whole situation did.
“Alannah?”
I looked at my ma and blinked.
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’m not with it at all today.”
She put her arms around me and gave me a hug.
“Isn’t it Jax’s birthday today?”
My shoulder’s slumped. “Yeah, he’s one.”
“Are you goin’ to drop by and see ’im?”
I shrugged. “I don’t want his day to be turned into a big argument, so I was goin’ to go up to Kane and Aideen’s apartment and leave his card and gift outside so they could give it to ’im for me.”